Wiggle Safety Upgrades Delayed Because Cars Can't be Everywhere

Car traffic wouldn't be allowed to go through one half of one street in all of San Francisco?  This is absolutely insane!
image found here.

The Wiggle, a patchwork of bike sharrows on pavement weaving through fast car traffic & parked cars has been around for quite some time.  The only reason why someone on a bike would take this route is because it's geographically convenient, and not because the city makes it any easier to ride through it safely. In an effort to remedy this issue, the SFMTA started the long arduous process of making some changes to the street to accomodate the thousands of people that walk and bike through the area every day.

According to Streetsblog, "A major feature of the planned Wiggle upgrades is a large sidewalk bulb-out which would physically block drivers from entering southbound Scott at Fell Street. That would reduce the car traffic on Scott, which runs one block parallel to Divisadero, that degrades the livability of the neighborhood and congests the intersection at Haight." The other part of the plan would divert traffic on Divisidero Street from taking a left turns onto Haigh Street.  After two years of planning, community input, the project was halted because a few merchants who weren't paying attention started screaming at the 11th hour.

Stop a car from doing a car thing?  Are you insane?  Leave the deterring to pedestrians and cyclists thankyouverymuch.
Image found here.

SFMTA's timeline is very similar to other projects that have gone through copeous amounts of community input, engineering and planning, then squelched by a few car loving merchants.  The Polk Street bike plan was changed at the 11th hour to accommodate the Mayor's Optometrist's desire for side car storage.  The Oak/Fell bike lanes were delayed to add more magical free parking on SF Streets.  Removing 57 parking spaces from a pedestrian and bike path in the Marina was also delayed so the Parks & Rec department could fullfill their clear duty to preserve as much car storage as possible.  This even works for coffee shop owners who want to keep two bus stops on the same block for their own personal gain. 

The SFMTA claims this was part of their timeline all along and part of the natural SF process:

Tuesday, June 11, 2013, 5:00 pm to 8:30 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor Community Open house

Wednesday, August 28, 2013, 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm

Scott Street Traffic Calming Meeting

Tuesday, September 24, 2013, 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor Community Open House #2

Wednesday, January 22, 2014, 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor Community Open House #3

Friday, January 17, 2014, 5:59 pm

View the proposals for the Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor

Friday, March 20, 2015, 6:06 pm

Show your support for the Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor!

Monday, March 23, 2015, 7:00 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor at Alamo Square Neighborhood Association Meeting

Friday, April 3, 2015, 10:00 am

Engineering Public Hearing, April 3, 2015

May - 11th Hour
Merchant Anger, Screaming & Delay 

June - TBD
Water down and negate project scope to appease merchants
  

The LoHaMNA (Lower Haight Neighbors and Merchants Association) sounded the 11th hour alarm after they heard that a vehicle wouldn't have unfettered access to all the streets of San Francisco.  A few equally important and long winded acryonym groups then followed suit. 

The PfCoESoSF (People for Cars on Every Street of San Francisco) and MWaAfSbKECT(Merchants Who are All for Safety but Keep Every Car Thing) all have voiced their concern and distain over this safety project that's been years in the making.

It's pefectly fine to limit pedestrians and bikers, but by no means can you limit a motorist's right to drive on any street, ever.

One MWaAfSbKECT member said, "Look, it's ok to demolish entire communities for city stroads like Geary Boulevard, place parking on every street in the city, but you can't ever divert traffic off any of them.  It's just assinine."  When asked about the safety benefits of having fewer cars on the roads near pedestrians and bikers, they just stared blankly for a few seconds and then proceeded to discuss much needed parking and traffic lanes.  He also went on to say, "and just think what could happen if people get this ridiculous idea that a car doesn't belong everywhere?"

Building areas like Masonic & Geary that cater exclusively to cars is fine.  Diverting traffic off one street in SF is absolutely forbidden.  Ask any merchant aka "traffic engineer".

The SFMTA expects to come back with a watered down, visionless Wiggle design sometime in June. 

Golden Gate Park(ing) - Refuge for the Weary Motorist

Don't let all the green fool you.  Golden Gate was built for cars, not stupid pedestrians & bikers.

Have you ever been in San Francisco and found yourself tired of pedestrians having the right of way with clearly marked crosswalks?  Have you thought to yourself, "why can't there be a place for me and my car without all those stupid bike lanes?"  Well boy do I have a place you will love.  It's called Golden Gate Park and once you step wheel into it you'll immediately realize it's built on a cartopian dream that takes nature and collides it with the convenience of vehicles.  It was meticulously designed to make anyone who walks or bikes in it feel like a Grade A loser. Here are a few highlights:

#1 - Pedestrians Don't Matter!

Secret pedestrian crossings are everywhere in GG Park. They may be in the form of faded paint, obstructed signs, or simply unmarked crossings with none in sight! 

Sure, there are some trails through Golden Gate Parking, but you'll notice bipetal movement of any kind simply does not matter and is often shunned by the street design.  Golden Gate Park has gone to great lengths to hide pedestrian crossings to the point where you could walk thousands of yards and wonder where you should cross!  It's just another way of saying, "get in a car, dummy."

Other pedestrian crossing areas are nestled in between lush obstructed landscapes around cars going at least 25 miles per hour.  What better way to say "why aren't you in a car like a normal person?"

#2 - Bikes Have Plenty of Places to Not Belong

Don't let Google fool you dear motorist, I highlighted the areas where there are bike lanes. Google foolishly assumes you can bike on some of the trails but you'll see the park signeage says otherwise. 

There was so much frustration and pushback on any kind of bike lanes on even a small amount of the stroads in an the urban park, that bikers will be hard pressed to find any coherent bike path of any kind.

 Don't worry about bike lanes.  They are either wedged between parked cars or near speeding traffic!  Yay Cars!

And if it's not amazing enough that there are barely any noteable bike lanes in Golden Gate Park my dear motorists, it gets even better!  There are literally dozens of places that bikes DON'T belong in Golden Gate Park! You were wrong about those bike paths, Google, so very wrong.

Golden Gate Park knows that, for some stupid reason, some people actually want to bike in a park.  Fear not!  They know enough to ban bikers, but not build bike lanes. 

A few idiot bikers trying to get through glorious cross park motor traffic.  

Anyone who bikes around Golden Gate Park will soon understand they are not welcomed.  Every now and then you'll see a pesky faded bike sharrow or two, but don't let that dissuade you my friends. As you motor your way thru you'll understand that you're the king of this urban park.  When street lanes get wide enough you'll be able to store your car on them, I guarantee.

Every now and then you'll see a faded bike sharrow between a speeding & parked car.  

#3 - You can Park Virtually Anywhere!

There are so many places to park your car!  You may find a little gem of a parking lot here and there, but rest assured if there's a side of  something, you're allowed to park there, even if it's in the middle of two crosswalks!

In the magical motor land of Golden Gate Park, asphalt is practically begging you to stop on it.  All throughout the park you'll find varying species of parking, from the marked signs, unmarked areas, down to little nooks and crannies stuffed with hordes of cars.  And the best part about it is that you'll never have to pay a dime to park there.  Unlike other urban parks, the streets are free to store your car on for hours on end.

The best part is unlike most urban parks, you don't have to pay a thing to park!  You're apparently limited to 4 hours of parking in the same location, but do you think anyone checks?  Doubtful!

Even though it's a park that's heavy with pedestrians and some foolish bikers, you're still more than welcome to go the posted speed limit of 25 miles per hour (but who really goes that slow?)  There are tons of thru-fares and even a freeway like Highway 1 in this very park.  Despite the fact that people with children and elderly people stroll through this park, you'll never be forced to drive elderly center & school zone speeds. 

Doesn't matter where you're going in Golden Gate Park.  Rest assured that no matter how many pedestrians and bikers are around you're well within your rights to go 25 miles per hour.  Save the slow driving for elderly centers & schools, where you're legally obligated to restrain yourself. 

#4 Golden Gate Park has an Underutilized Underground Parking Shrine

Underneath the Science Academy lies a testament to parking.  There you can drive all around to your heart's content and look for just the right spot.  Keep in mind, though, you would actually have to pay for parking down there, and then use your legs like a sucker to get to other parts of the park.  You might want to just drive thru this glorious parking jewel and take some pictures of the hundreds of unused spaces like I did.

There is a huge underground parking structure below the Science Acadamy but don't worry you'll never have to park down there.  Since parking is ~everywhere~ in Golden Gate Park and it's free, why bother?

So if you're looking to leave the trappings of city life in your car, enjoy nature, but never use your legs like a sucker" Golden Gate Park is just the place for you.  It's truly a majestic park designed for the almighty vehicle.  Enjoy!

MTA Pilots Humaniti ® Technology on City Streets

Metro Transit Authorities have long tried to curb the tide of death and dismemberment on the roads with paint, blinking lights, and cement to no avail.  Citing over 30,000 deaths a year, mostly due to driver neglect, the MTA has looked for options that instill some form of humanity in the hearts and minds of motorists.  One Silicon Valley based startup, founded by Stan Arguile, may have just the solution to the city's Vision Zero goals.  It's called Humaniti ® and so far the results have been nothing short of remarkable.

The Humaniti ® system can cover 3 square miles and interact with over 3000 heartless motorists at any given time.

With Stan's system, motorists experience feelings of humanity while driving through the city.  For instance, when a motorists runs a red light they might see their grandmother being utterly destroyed by their very own car.  Sometimes people speeding or texting will see their children running to get a ball and find themselves utterly shaken.   The system is smart enough to even detect motorists in the crosswalks and experience the annoyance and danger they would be feeling if they were walking. Stan said it even can recognize annoyances like people on extremely loud motorcycles.  "I've seen several guys on motorcycles turn off the road screaming 'holy shit I'm a total asshole!'"

Cheryl, after taking a sharp right turn past some pedestrians, experiences what it would be like to run over her beloved puppy in such a haste.
image found here.

When asked what happens to licensed motorists completely devoid of any humanity at all , Stan replied, "motorist sociopaths typically experience feelings of their own bones cracking or being thrown across the street to the side of the road.  The Humaniti ® system will try out all sorts of scenarios until it senses the user emotionally reacts to the crime they're committing."  He also noted that, "jackwagons laying on the horn have been reduced 94%."  

Lenny McClayton, sneers at the "F*cking box that makes me feel feelings"
image found here.

Humaniti ® has been piloted in several cities with remarcable results.  Vehicle collisions have gone down 75% since their installation.  The City of San Francisco saw a huge drop in car ridership and a 250% increase in public transit, walking and cycling.  But it has not been without its critics. Motorists have expressed frustration with the new system and they've been asking for higher penalities and even jail time to avoid having to feel the anxiety of driving a two ton vehicle at high velocities in a pedestrian rich environment.  "Just give me a ticket or something I can't deal with the potential consequences of my choice to drive my car on the road " one teary eyed motorists explained.

"The Humanit ® system will find anything to distract the driver from the confines of their vehicle and convince them they're still a part of humanity."

Not only has Stan experienced some criticism, but he's also had several Humaniti ® systems destroyed by neighborhoods that just couldn't deal with the potential consequences they might have due to their own reckless behavior.  Stan said this will not stop him, but he might make some tweaks to Humaniti 2.0 ®.  "We've been toying with the idea of having the system reward people with a shot of serotonin for driving like decent human beings.  You know, the ones that put the lives of others ahead of their own time and convenience?"

Ed Reiskin & London Breed Ensure Hysteria-Based SFMTA Decisions to Flourish

Think removing two bus stops on the same block is a no-brainer and is in the best interest of all transit users?  Well, you forgot where you live.

As my vast audience of faithful readers is well aware, Dearest District Five often has harsh and richly deserved criticisms for the SFMTA.  Whether they are recklessly wreaking havoc on the world economy by eliminating the profits of Apple, Ferrari, and Disney AND crushing the dreams of children—and during the holidays, no less!  Or destroying the economic vitality of the entire San Francisco Bay region and pooping on the grave of William Hammond Hall by completely ruining Golden Gate Park, they often seem to believe that they can and should make changes to our city, which is clearly ridiculous.

We were cautiously optimistic that the changes proposed in the Transit Effectiveness Plan (TEP) would be sufficiently watered-down and compromised away after a series of public meetings.   Because when it comes to making decisions in San Francisco, everyone's opinion matters, even when it comes down to removing two bus stops on the same block.  So when the SFMTA wants to make even a minor seemingly sensible change, they make sure they get the input of every single person in San Francisco and pay close attention to the loudest and most incoherent people on the planet.   And boy, did they do a great job with that here on a project close to both the block of Hayes street between Masonic and Central has not one, but two bus stops.  Yes, it is possible to walk from one bus stop to the other without ever crossing a street.

Which one should we remove?  Should we even remove one of them?  Why don't we ask everyone in the micro-community!

Ed Reiskin, the head of a transit agency that employs engineers with transportation engineering degrees from such laughable institutions as Cal Poly State University SLO, UC Davis, UC Berkeley, Cornell Unversity, UC Santa Cruz, and the University of Washington did what a true leader does: he turned to the community to make decisions for him.  Specifically, the crazy community.

Removing two stops on the same block should never be an independent decision by the transit authority. 

Like clockwork, the task of removing a bus stop, like the 70% of them that aren't even to the SFMTA's standards, it quickly turned into a SFSS (San Francisco Shit-Show) and all kinds of crazy came out of the woodwork, mainly those who delusionally believed that they could be negatively affected by the removal of a bus stop.  The most active party in this case was the owner of Central Coffee, which has thwarted bus removal time and time again.  This time they successfully whipped up hysteria by claiming that the entire bus line would soon be terminated if ONE OUT OF TWO BUS STOPS ON THE SAME BLOCK were eliminated.

The SFMTA is extraordinarily receptive to any kind of hysteria-based conclusions.  Even from sub-par coffee shops like Central Coffee. Image via SFCitizen

A SFMTA official was asked about the logic behind keeping two stops on the same block and they said, "we just want to make sure that people who don't have any concept of how transit works, or should work, gets a say in the process.  Even though we know it needs to be removed, we rely on the loudest and craziest people to make these decisions for us.  Other transit changes like adding an extra stop to the already stop heavy Van Ness BRT, nixing a complete raised bike lane on Polk Street, and slowing down the upcoming Geary BRT in the interest of car parking along the upcoming Geary BRT have all been scrapped in the interest of a few angry & misguided residents.  Because why on earth would we want to rely on best practices in the field, the expert analysis of our own staff members, or even our own agency's empirical experience?  No, the best people to make decisions about transit planning are those whose minds are pure, who have not been tainted by experience or education."

SFMTA always makes sure to have billions of meetings with angry loud individuals so they can water down perviously approved plans from engineers & experts, like the scrapped Polk Street bike plan.

Bob's Commentary: It cannot be overemphasized that Ed Resikin did a great thing here.  When faced with a deluge of identical email parroting the same nonsensical talking points such as this:

 "YOU CANNOT TAKE OUR BUS LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  REMOVING THE SECOND STOP IN A BLOCK WILL DIRECTLY RESULT IN THE DEATH OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WE CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR NEFARIOUS PLAN TO ELIMINATE OF THE MOST HIGH-TRAFFIC BUS LINES IN THE CITY BY MAKING A SMALL STEP TO IMPROVE IT AND BRING THIS PART OF THE LINE UP TO YOUR OWN STANDARDS!!!!!!!!!" 

Did Ed exercise leadership?  Did he respond to each message with a careful explanation of SFMTA's own evidence-based policies and the time and cost savings that would be involved?  Did he note that the stop in question is literally without shouting distance of two other stops and on the same block with one of them?  Did he assure people that removing one stop is not foreshadowing the removal of an entire major bus line?

The answer, dear readers, is no.  No, the SFMTA director of transportation did not take an opportunity to engage with his community and exercise leadership in explaining a decision made falsely controversial by outright lies.  He simply rolled over and allowed a loud liar with access to a photocopier and the tired bus riders who saw a scary sign to make city policy.  And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

Ed Reiskin is ~all about~ improving Muni, except when it comes to removing bus stops within 300 feet of each other. 

As you may have noticed from Ed Reiskin's email above, there is still, sadly, one unnecessary gatekeeper between the people's transit planning and the real world.  We can only hope that the MTA board doesn't allow logic or basic common sense to enter into this situation.  If you worry that the MTA board will recklessly and foolishly remove the second bus stop in a single block, you can contact them to register your outrage: MTABoard@sfmta.com.  Until next time, keep loving your city so much it can never, ever change.

Sunnyvale City Council Votes to Support 'Fuck You BRT Buses You're Stuck in Traffic With us' Plan

"Think we're going to make your bus trip any faster by dedicating lanes?  Screw that. You're going to be miserable with us."
Photo: Andrew Boone

Most people will agree that El Camino Real is a REAL traffic nightmare (see what I did there?!)  City council members listened to a plan to convert 2 of the 8 lanes dedicated to moving or parking cars to actually moving large groups of people.  They were then told that the Bus Rapid Transit plan could cut transit rider's trips nearly in half along the length of El Camino Real and encourage more drivers to get off the roads.  Council member's jaws dropped at the thought of such a wacky and outlandish plan to fix congestion by seeking alternate modes of transport. When someone suggested that self-driving robot cars would fix the congestion issues at some point in the future squeals of delighted and high-fives soon followed.

All 8 lanes are needed to move and store cars.  Sorry everyone else, traffic means that traffic has to stay!

A few council members said that they shouldn't invest in a proven transit solution because self-driving cars at some point in time are going to make it irrelevant.   Instead of dedicated bus lanes, the council voted 4-3 to have “mixed flow” lanes along a corridor that would include "improved bulbout” bus stops. "This way the buses can stop at these bulbouts enrage drivers behind them who have to stop, and then when the bus leaves the bulbout they're fucked in traffic with the rest of us." said one grinning city council member.

Give up 1 lane of traffic each way for thousands of other people?  Uhhh... yeah I don't think so.  We'll wait for robot cars kthxbye.
image found here.

Despite the fact that over 30 percent of all trips within a mile of their destination are taken by car, the council voted to pass a standing resolution, "1.3 Subsection F - U: Bike & Ped Upgrades" to keep sidewalks narrow and have bikers "duke it out between moving and parked cars like the rest of us motorists."  This would also ensure that no one get the dumb idea to actually walk or bike along the stroad and stick to trusty motorist transit until the robots arrive.

Part of the plan is to extend "mixing zones" to bikers in the form of uneven pavement between parked cars, right turn lanes, and swift moving cars.
images courtesy: Janet Lafleur - http://ladyfleur.bike

Shelby Winters understands the issue all too well as she commutes back and forth by car each day and loses more than 10 hours a week stuck in traffic. "Oh god it's always a nightmare with the crashes", she exclaimed, "the stop and go traffic is just soul crushing.  I just wish they could do something about this without changing anything that in any way impedes my ability to use every lane on El Camino Real".

After the meeting was over, the city council gleefully drove their cars into traffic, knowing that they probably solved a problem with robot cars in the not-so-but-might-be-distant future.

Robot cars will eventually fix this traffic problem.
original picture by Andrew Boone

SFMTA Board of Directors Nearly Mistook San Francisco for a City at Polk Street Meeting

SFMTA Board of Directors hearing crazy stories about the 85% of people who get to Polk Street without a two ton machine that runs on dinosaur juice.
image via Fitz The Reporter

On March 3rd at City Hall, the Board of Directors were rattled when they had to face the idea that San Francisco might not be a sprawling suburb.  Mayor Lee's political buffer was tasked with deciding if one street, in all of San Francisco, wouldn't have car storage.  As citizens weighed in on the plan for the 8 millionth time in 3 years, the Board of Directors got mixed signals that perhaps, just perhaps, San Francisco was actually a compact pedestrian-rich, multimodal city.

SF Board of Directors passed a "Bike Improvements" that any suburb would be moderately proud of!
image found here.  

What started as a complete Vision Zero style street with buffered bike lanes and priorities to movement other than cars, it soon devolved into a bike plan suburbia could find appealing. The Board of Directors heard horror stories that people might lose their way of life if forced to park on the 99.999999% of other street in SF that have car storage.

One person complained,"I'm too obese to bike" and went on to say that her husband also can't walk but oddly can't get a disability placard. There was also a concern for the elderly and other groups of people who should control tons of metal at high speed but are incapable of walking 2 blocks or taking the bus.  The Board of Directors sympathized for those who lived in the compact city of San Francisco, but couldn't operate outside of the single driver and parking paradigm.

“I’m not saying other things aren't important, because clearly they are — safety is paramount,”said Gwyneth Borden ,"but we cannot forget what makes San Francisco San Suburbcisco —slogs of parking on the roads and tons of motorist traffic.”
Gwyneth Borden. Image: SFGovTV

The Board of Directors fulfilled their duty as a political buffer between Mayor Lee and the public continued to listen for four hours.  They made sure to be silent for a few seconds when a death or injury was mentioned and then quickly moved back to parking concerns.  They knew they could could take comfort in the fact that the mayor had already made backroom deals with many of the merchants, thus solidifying a bike plan on the simple premise that parking belongs on every single street of San Suburbscisco.  Fortunately, the initial bike plan was whittled away by a favor to his optometrist who got one free block of bike lane removal. His gardener also gets to veto one of the crosswalks, and his mustache groomer received six blocks at a 55 mph speed limit.

Ultimately the Board of Directors approved a "Solomon Solution"which strikes a balance between the people getting hurt and killed on the street with the convenience of those doing the maiming.  Once the plan was approved, the Board of Directors jumped in their private automobiles and skidded back home, congratulating themselves on a job that any car dependent suburb would be proud of.

What do these streets in Portland, New York, Seattle all have in common?  They're things you'll never see on Polk Street.

Vision Impaired Mayor Lee Still Seeking "Balanced Eyewear"

Mayor Lee's 13th time at the optometrist to seek "balanced eyewear" that "everyone will like."
image found here. 

As mayor of San Francisco, Lee has a lot of important decisions to leave to others, and eyewear is no different.  As Lee's personal driver parked into one Drs. Hiura & Hiura Optometrists god given parking spots (devoid of dedicated bike lanes) he said, “Everyone else is the expert. There's so many issues to balance when it comes to choosing eyewear, and I just want to make sure I embrace a decision that I had nothing to do with.”

Some people argued that Mayor Lee is wasting everyone's time as he already agreed to a standard eyewear design long ago and even touted it in many of his speeches.  He promised long ago he would  prioritize the safety of the eyewear above anything else.  Others argued, "Look, you can't have everything in one pair of glasses here, and you're going to have to make a decision. Not everyone is going to be happy and as the mayor you need to accept that. Just pick the one that's the safest!  Stop being a non-mayor, mayor!"

With the advice of everyone, especially those having tantrums, Mayor Lee is leaning towards the "Zero-Vision" model.  

There was an audible gasp at the eyewear unveiling.  Some people questioned if he really thought the safety was the number one priority.  Others said that that an eyeglasses company kept calling his office and lobbying him to demand for a different prescription and so he had it changed. When asked about his opinion on the glasses, Mayor Lee explained,"I can’t have a particular position on which eyeglasses I want, except to endorse the most balanced approach because there’s issues with prescription, design and safety that should not be in conflict. We shouldn't promote the prescription strength over aesthetics or whatever the loud constituents want.  I think they’re all going to be important."  People started scratching their heads when they heard the mayor's "word soup."

As the mayor left the optometrist and dashed into his free chauffeured car, he said, "I can't comment right now on the eyewear design.  All I know is I'm sure as hell not getting here by riding Muni or biking. That's for photo ops."

When you have vision problems, make sure to drive on over to Drs. Hiura & Hiura Optometrists.  Park in one of the few spots that sustains all of their business.