New York - City in Ruin

Everyone knows that New York was known for its fast moving traffic and generous roadways that allowed vehicles to move swiftly around to any part of the city.  In recent years, however, the biketards in New York have made it their mission to fuck up traffic for everyone!  The city currently uses 2% of it's pavement for bike lanes, which is 100% more than it should be using.  The city has been reduced from a thriving cartopia to a bike-lane dominated nightmare.  

Welcome to your fresh hell, morons.

Most New Yorkers support bike lanes and think they're good for the city.  They also think that it's "greener", reduces CO2 emissions and makes the city more livable.  Other idiots may argue that bike lanes may actually reduce congestion in the long run, anyone with half a brain knows better.    

Longtime resident, Frank Murphy, recalls, “Oh a few years ago anyone could speed around New York in minutes flat. Cars just moved through the city like a hot knife through butter.  Now it takes hours to get around, especially in rush hour.  It’s just a shame these bike lanes had to clog up traffic for our city.”

Time Square, once known for easy and speedy traffic, has turned into a congested nightmare thanks to the new green strips of bike lane.  Even walk nuts have joined this greedy and selfish act of stealing precious car lanes for urban parks and walkways.  

Traffic Hell, brought to you by pedestrians and bikers.

Tammy Nickson, one of the few owners of a car in the city anymore, said, “do you know how long it takes to drive 10 blocks to work in the morning?  I can barely text my friends and post status updates with all these pedestrians getting in the way.  Something needs to be done.”

Some New Yorkers want to bring back the good old days, and not only rescind the bike lanes, but also removed major areas of the sidewalks, so that more lanes can be added to reduce congestion. Others have toyed with the idea of turning Central Park into Central Park Freeway, where thousands upon thousands of motorists can reclaim what is rightfully theirs.  

New York's currently underutilized Central Park

Proposed Central Park Freeway

In the meantime, New Yorkers will have to endure the heart-wrenching pain of sitting in traffic while walk and bike nutjobs move around with ease.