Dearest District 5: Amsterdamned by Bikes

Recently the New York Times came out with a 100% true hyperbole that Amsterdam has been completely destroyed by bicycles. Over 30% of all trips are taken by those wretched non-motorized jack-wagons. Of course, Streetfilms has tried to deny this absolute fact made up by the New York Times.

Minutes later, Anita died of bike poisoning.
(Image courtesy of The New York Times)

Unfortunately the city caved into "special interest" bike fanatics long ago by giving them a third of the space that would justifiably go to uncloggable car infrastructure. They even ENCOURAGED bicycle transit and let this bicycle plague get out of hand! Now everywhere from the Red Light District to Centraal Station is littered with bicycles. The problem has gotten so out of control that tourists can't even recognize public landmarks anymore.

The Anne Frank Museum.
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What's left of the Van Gogh museum after bikes reached critical mass
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Citizens pine for the good old days when cars took over the city and magically disappeared when they weren't needed.
(Image found here)

Citizens in Amsterdam are asking themselves where they went wrong when they decided to start removing the cars from the streets in the 50s and 60s. Satellite images through google maps show a sea of metal, spokes and rubber. Directions are confusing because they'll instruct you to "turn at the cluster of pink, blue and orange bikes". 8000 tourists went missing last year alone.

Amsterdamians are fed up. Local police chief Edmund explained, "We were all such fools to believe this was the right decision to encourage bikes over cars, and now we're stuck with this mess of bikes in the city that would cost literally hundreds of dollars to clean up". Officials are contemplating how to clean up this mess and what weekend they could do it.

Hopefully we don't make the same kind of grave mistakes in San Francisco, where city officials want 20% of bike transit usage by 2020. If the city gets its way you won't even be able to walk a foot without running into a bicycle. Let's look at Amsterdam as a terrible, horrible beacon of things to come. Friends, stick to the tried and true method of transportation, with uncluttered cars parked on every single street of San Francisco.