Monday, November 18, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Masonic Drivers to SFMTA - "Don't Fix Masonic We'll Try to Behave Ourselves!"
"Oops sorry about that I'll wait for you next time I promise!" |
When you walk down Masonic and hear the screeching of cars, the honking horns, the clogged intersections, and you probably think to yourself, "wow that's a highly effective neighborhood highway avenue!" Well, not everyone seems to think so. After 5 years of public outcry, SFMTA workshops, multiple articles in the news, a couple of deaths, unanimous Supervisor support and full funding, the city is ready to undue this marvel of car-centric engineering with a complete redesign of the street. Some Masonic drivers that actually happen to live in the city are outraged and say there's no need for pedestrian safety improvements and calming measures when they can simply promise to be nicer.
Save(ParkingandSpeedingon)Masonic has tried their best to thwart these plans by coming in super late to the game to save parking on this beautiful virtual highway. They know that the key to great urban planning was solidified in the 50s and a 3 lane traffic corridor with excessive speeds and on-street parking is the best thing a neighborhood and city needs. They even had cute cuddly 8 year old children write up a sign for them to no avail.
Now the drivers freely admit to using this highway-like corridor, well, like a highway. They are pleading with the public and SFMTA to leave it the way it is and they'll try to behave themselves. They promise to:
Barry Hadly remarks, "Ok we admit that we speed a little and clog the pedestrian crosswalks and take crazy fast turns, but please leave this traffic sewer as it is and we promise we'll try to be better." This kind of honor system is sure to have a more positive effect than installing a median, a cycle track, removing parking from a major transit corridor, and installing a stupid bike lane that most San Franciscans favor.
So to anyone that walks, bikes or lives in the neighborhood, the drivers on Masonic Avenue will try not to dominate and harass you on the street any longer, and fast reckless driving is probably a thing of the past. Now get rid of that pesky safety improvement redesign plan and let's all get ice cream!
"Oh Geez I'm sorry *polite hand wave* |
"Oops go ahead I'll probably let you go through before I step on the gas" |
"We'll get it down to the lower/mid 30's I mean come on let's be serious here!" |
- Try not to block pedestrian crossing most of the time.
- Attempt to stay around 30 miles an hour.
- Really try hard not to take a left turn during commute times.
- Magically look through parked cars when taking a fast sharp right turn off Masonic.
- Resist the urge to blast through red lights.
- Take sharp U-turns when absolutely necessary.
- Pretend like the street belongs to others too.
"Whoops sorry my bad!" |
"Sorry pedestrian just wait a second I might kill you I'll do better next time scout's honor! " |
So to anyone that walks, bikes or lives in the neighborhood, the drivers on Masonic Avenue will try not to dominate and harass you on the street any longer, and fast reckless driving is probably a thing of the past. Now get rid of that pesky safety improvement redesign plan and let's all get ice cream!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
5/5L Fulton Bus Line Upgrades - Loss of 16 Parking Spots an Unspeakable Tragedy
Introducing the 5L- Muni's 5 year long plan to remove 16 parking spaces Photo: Ron Pragides/Twitter |
16 of 114 parking spaces have been eliminated along the 5 Fulton route! All in the name of 19,000 riders shaving 10-20 minutes from their trip? This is MADNESS!!! Image courtesy google maps. |
When Brett Johnson noticed his personal on-street vehicle locker was removed for a more efficient and safer bus system, he was rightfully upset, "Now look, I'm all for a better, faster, safer bus route, but don't you dare take away MY parking space, and also leave everything else exactly the same."
Enjoy your new 5-Fulton as we destroy your on-street parking dreams! image found here. |
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
New York City - Times Square in Ruin
Veronica Moss Visits Times Square and shows us the wanton destruction these pedestrian "improvements" have had on the city and even if traffic has gotten better for motorists, it's still the worst idea ever. I foretold of this doom years ago. I wish you were my daughter Veronica Moss!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
SFPD Citing Bikers - "Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel"
Ticketing a biker is just this easy. Image found here |
The San Francisco Police Department has a limited amount of time and resources, and they're using it to tackle some of the big issues in the city; issues like Chess players on Market Street, enforcing dog bans in parks, and most importantly, busting bikers.
Deputy Kent exclaimed, "We're tired of trying to catch motorists speeding, illegal U-turns, running red lights, and endangering pedestrians and cyclists. We heard that some bikes are strolling through stop signs at a couple miles an hour and we thought to ourselves, 'this is going to be easy!'"
Cop nestled into a bike lane to easily ticket a biker. Image found here. |
We also need to enforce the idea that these mechanical pedestrian extensions are a danger to society. "I know people get this idea from Denmark and The Panhandle that bikers and pedestrians can coexist without stop signs and stop lights, but this is America!" said Kent.
Cop Ticketing Jaywalker for endangering his life because, "We care? *wink* and it's super easy" Image found here. |
Monday, October 7, 2013
Bikesore of the Week - Golden Gate Park
Disgusting bike orgy, courtesy of Golden Gate Park |
Golden Gate Park hosted the "Hardly Strictly" event over the weekend, and rather than allow people to drive cars to the event like real Americans, they only allowed bikes and walking in the park. The bikenuts parked them on a half mile stretch of asphalt that could have housed a few dozen cars. What a total waste of space!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Save Masonic Group Missed Six Years of Community Meetings - Claims "We Thought it was a Freeway"
"It looks so much like a freeway we didn't think to attend a meeting about an Avenue." picture on the left here. picture on the right found here. |
Many of them simply didn't believe Masonic was a Avenue. Glenda Delli exclaimed, "I always thought Masonic was a freeway with tons of free parking. They should have done a better job of letting us know about this. Keep this Freeway, I mean Avenue, alone!!!"
"We thought this speed limit sign was a joke" Image found here. |
SPASOM spokesman said, "tons of people speed through this corridor every day and they weren't given any way to vote on this. Democracy is the only way to ever change a corridor. Why should the SFMTA have the right to make these changes?" When thousands of Masonic commuters were asked for comment, they just blasted by honking their horns encouraging others to go faster.
"Three lanes of car traffic in both directions going 50 miles an hour is NOT an Avenue. SAVE IT!!!" |
Friday, September 20, 2013
Market Street to be Renamed "Gauntlet Street"
"It's just easier to rename Market Street than change it"
Photo found here.
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The plan would have to go through 100 agencies, 70 surveys, focus groups, all the supervisors and their relatives, then finally through the necessary 80 environmental reviews. Once that all happens it can finally get struck down by NIMBYs who will never give up car traffic lanes over bikes, pedestrian amenities, or public transportation. Eventually when the Market Street project was overwhelmed and they decided to simply rename it to "Gauntlet Street".
"A Gauntlet is a form of physical punishment where a captive is to run between two rows. It's exactly the kind of experience you should expect biking or walking along Market Street."
Picture found here
|
"Tough Mudder Street" along with "Clusterfuck Street"were also considered. Image found here. |
Just like corporal punishment! |
All Street Changes must be approved by The Grand Wizard, as stated in the City Charter. Image found here. |
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Bikesore of the Week
Picture taken at a train station in Cambridge, Massachusetts. |
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Crisis in San Francisco - "There's Only Parking, Everywhere"
There's a real crisis in San Francisco and you see it every day. There's only parking, everywhere. Look around and you'll see people's home/apartment garages, private garages, city owned parking garages, street parking and once and a while, metered parking. While it may appear that there's parking on virtually every street in San Francisco and in every dwelling in upwards of a million spaces, the city desperately needs more.
While some will argue that parking is a net loss for a city, Dearest District 5 knows better than those fools, even if I don't have any relevant degree or training in urban planning. San Francisco's 40% vehicle infrastructure simply isn't enough! And the disgustingly small amount of parking (1.5 square miles of San Francisco's 7 square miles of land). Parking, as everyone knows, is a renewable resource and needs to continue to grow in a city that is not expanding.
The SFMTA has been relentless in it's assault on parking, and instead of installing MORE parking spaces, they try to manage supply and demands with metered parking! Everyone knows it's our god-given right to only pay for where we live, eat, purchase goods, be entertained, but NOT to park on the streets! And even while prices increase on virtually everything in the city, an annual fee of 100 dollars for a parking permit seems like a sensible approach to mitigating a god given right to store a car in a city.
Randy McNitty cried, "I heard the MTA is considering spaces on the streets that don't have car parking, and that's absolutely insane! Where am I going to find the space to park my two cars for free? If you think I'm going to start biking, taking MUNI, or paying 80,000 dollars for the value of a parking spot, you're sadly mistaken." Ed Baskly exclaimed, "we really need to fight these idiots in city hall and let the people of this city know that we're not giving away our subsidized parking without a fight. You're paying to house my idled car if you like it or not and the hell with using it to move traffic or allow anyone else to enjoy this space!" Neighbors are nervous, because .000000001 percent of the streets right now don't have parking, and that could go even higher. It's only a matter of time until there isn't parking, everywhere.
Crisis at Polk Street where there's only parking on each side of the street, and in parking garages, and all the side streets. Image found here |
There's only THIS much space devoted to parking in San Francisco, and at some point, there could be less! Picture found here. |
This is it?!? More More More!!! picture found here. |
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Eight Year Olds Against Fix Masonic Plans
Masonic street redesign was incorporated into the foolish SF bicycle plan, some flyers started cropping up on the Masonic Freeway, which prompted some parents to find out which child of theirs whipped up the grammatically challenged, rage cap laden tirade. Eventually, with the help of a linguist who specializes in primitive texts, they realized this was undoubtedly written by a group of eight year old children. After this discovery, she commented, "One can only guess why they never received any word of corridor improvement plans. The little tykes probably never knew about the community outreach because they were either in school, or they weren't even born."
One of the parents, Vanessa Buyers, said, "Once I saw the last 'sentence' reading 'Let them know they'll be uneployed come next election' I knew it was Billy. We've been trying to get him to spell that word correctly for months now." Eventually they discovered it was the work of Billy and five of his "Besties".
Parents of these scrappy little NIMBYs were outraged to find out their kids were maniacally invoking their civic rights, and so poorly. Mainly the parents were upset because their children were not allowed to go out of the house after dark to post flyers or "Go anywhere near that Masonic death hole". Three of the "Masonic Gang of Six" were grounded for a month and the others lost their iPad privileges for a week.
The "Masonic Gange of Six" vows to "Don't Giveup Withowt a Fite" |
But the kids are more determined than ever to ensure that this corridor stick to 1950's standards. When asked why there were so vehemently against creating a corridor that everyone could enjoy and feel safe, the group replied, "SHUT UP THAT'S WHY!!! JUST SHUT UP YOU IDIOT!!!"
Monday, August 12, 2013
Taxis to Ride Sharing Services - "Leave the Reckless Driving to Professionals"
Cabs are known to have the best record of safe reckless driving. Image found here |
Since the inception of ride sharing services, cab companies have been fuming over the loss of business, and crying foul over lack of blessed city regulations. The Taxi services protested at City Hall, saying they aren't so much concerned over their livelihoods, or the fact that a recent survey put Cabs at the bottom of any list of transit option. They are more concerned about the welfare of these ignorant people taking ride share cars. Cab companies are worried that these ride share drivers aren't properly licensed to drive haphazardly through the street of San Francisco.
“Those unlicensed drivers are road bandits and don't know the first thing about double parking, or how to U-Turn in a busy street,” one protester said. “We are the real community drivers and the community knows how to get the hell out of our way.”
"It takes tens of hours of training to learn how to professionally run red lights" Image found here |
Protesters say that even with the new regulations in place, ride-shares won't understand the first thing about driving like a maniac. Cabs, on the other hand, receive countless hours of training to weave in and out of city traffic, the proper way to take right turns when pedestrians are in the way, and how to get through a red light without barely hitting anything. "It will take years before Ubar and Lyft start behaving like they own the roads."
"Uber and Lyft don't know the first thing about safely speeding past a pedestrian" Image found here |
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Critical Car Mass
To counter "Critical Mass" (a rogue bike celebration that some bikers enjoy for a few hours during one day out of the month), an unknown transit avenger spearheaded "Critical Car Mass" hoping for the same kind of grass-roots effort and fun.
Unfortunately, unlike "Critical Mass", hundreds of people were injured, cars sat idle for hours, and bikes and pedestrians were still able to get through all the clutter. Also, people were confusing "Critical Car Mass" with what is commonly known as morning and evening rush hour gridlock. Participants said they would try it again at the end of the month, when they finally get back to their houses.
Unfortunately, unlike "Critical Mass", hundreds of people were injured, cars sat idle for hours, and bikes and pedestrians were still able to get through all the clutter. Also, people were confusing "Critical Car Mass" with what is commonly known as morning and evening rush hour gridlock. Participants said they would try it again at the end of the month, when they finally get back to their houses.
"We'll have better luck next time I'm Sure" Image found here. |
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Car Driver Asked - "Why are Bikers the Worst?!"
San Francisco drivers have it the worst. From having to share the lanes with bikers, to not having the god-given right to park on every block of SF due to a bike lane, it can really be the pits. Everyday SF car drivers were asked, "What's your bicyclist pet peeve?" Here's what they had to say:
Emily Sanchez, longtime car driver in San Francisco, said, "The worst is when you're at a 4 way stop and you want to coast on through, but some ahole bicyclist is on their way up a hill and doesn't completely stop, or they did stop and I have to wait for them to cross, I'm pissed either way."
A lot of car drivers expressed their frustration with bicycles, because they have to pay more attention to the road. Gone are the days when you just expected people to get out of your way and you could casually drive your car and 40+ mph in the city and not have to worry about some damn bicyclist getting in your way. Gary Sherking, exclaimed "These bicyclists think they own the road! If they're not taking the lane and robbing seconds off your city commute, they're in their own precious green lane that takes precious feet away from wide car paths for one hell of a ride."
But this kind of cyclist hatred stems from fact that unlike car drivers and pedestrians, they are the most selfish and foolish people ever. The only good bicyclist is one that never bikes, ever. Matt Gifford said it best, "I see bikers do stupid shit every day in this city and the police don't even bat an eye. One of these days some bicyclist is going to injure a person or scuff a car. Can we just sit back and wait for this kind of thing to happen?!?"
Sadly since San Francisco decided to spare a few lanes for bicycles and allow them full use of a lane, it's gone completely downhill and bikers are destroying this city one green foot at a time. It's only a matter of time until there will be a single road dedicated to bicycle traffic, and I hope I'm in heaven's parking lot before that day happens.
Emily Sanchez, longtime car driver in San Francisco, said, "The worst is when you're at a 4 way stop and you want to coast on through, but some ahole bicyclist is on their way up a hill and doesn't completely stop, or they did stop and I have to wait for them to cross, I'm pissed either way."
Emily Sanchez (right) says, "bicyclist just don't have respect for anyone but themselves. " |
Gary Sherking (somewhere in there) is just fed up with these damn bicyclists (not shown). Picture found here. |
Matt Gifford (Middle) had a lot to say about the reckless bicyclist reeking havoc on SF streets. Picture found here. |
Heaven! Image found here |
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Amsterdamned by Bikes
Recently the New York Times came out with a 100% true hyperbole that Amsterdam has been completely destroyed by bicycles. Over 30% of all trips are taken by those wretched non-motorized jack-wagons. Of course, Streetfilms has tried to deny this absolute fact made up by the New York Times.
Unfortunately the city caved into "special interest" bike fanatics long ago by giving them a third of the space that would justifiably go to uncloggable car infrastructure. They even ENCOURAGED bicycle transit and let this bicycle plague get out of hand! Now everywhere from the Red Light District to Centraal Station is littered with bicycles. The problem has gotten so out of control that tourists can't even recognize public landmarks anymore.
Citizens in Amsterdam are asking themselves where they went wrong when they decided to start removing the cars from the streets in the 50s and 60s. Satellite images through google maps show a sea of metal, spokes and rubber. Directions are confusing because they'll instruct you to "turn at the cluster of pink, blue and orange bikes". 8000 tourists went missing last year alone.
Minutes later, Anita died of bike poisoning. (Image courtesy of The New York Times) |
The Anne Frank Museum. (image found here) |
What's left of the Van Gogh museum after bikes reached critical mass (Image found here) |
Citizens pine for the good old days when cars took over the city and magically disappeared when they weren't needed. (Image found here) |
Amsterdamians are fed up. Local police chief Edmund explained, "We were all such fools to believe this was the right decision to encourage bikes over cars, and now we're stuck with this mess of bikes in the city that would cost literally hundreds of dollars to clean up". Officials are contemplating how to clean up this mess and what weekend they could do it.
Hopefully we don't make the same kind of grave mistakes in San Francisco, where city officials want 20% of bike transit usage by 2020. If the city gets its way you won't even be able to walk a foot without running into a bicycle. Let's look at Amsterdam as a terrible, horrible beacon of things to come. Friends, stick to the tried and true method of transportation, with uncluttered cars parked on every single street of San Francisco.
Hopefully we don't make the same kind of grave mistakes in San Francisco, where city officials want 20% of bike transit usage by 2020. If the city gets its way you won't even be able to walk a foot without running into a bicycle. Let's look at Amsterdam as a terrible, horrible beacon of things to come. Friends, stick to the tried and true method of transportation, with uncluttered cars parked on every single street of San Francisco.
The bicycle epidemic is so bad that bikes have actually formed unstoppable super bikes. (Image Courtesy of the City of Sydney) |
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
AAA Approves Bike Transportation
There's been a lot of talk about American Automobile Association, and their utter disdain for anything other than vehicle dominance and lobbying for billions of miles for glorious highways and freeways. But, friends, that's simply not true! The AAA just wholeheartedly approved bicycles, with a few minor tweaks.
AAA spokesman confirmed "We really need to start supporting this weird and useless form of transportation that doesn't take up enough space or waste enough fossil fuel. We're working with various bike coalitions and large multinational vehicle manufacturers to come up with a viable solution to ensure that we don't lose revenue and relevance in modern society."
The AAA says they have always been fans of bicycles, as an olive branch, they recently worked with a well angered bike coalition to ensure that there's one in every museum across the country. They have even offered anywhere from $100 to $500 to reclaim used or new bikes and haul them to the local landfill.
But museums aren't the only way AAA has gleefully tried to promote bikes. They've also have offered safety tips.
No, not this kind of bike you moron. |
"Gas powered is certainly the way to go for bikes, but there aren't enough wheels" |
"These beautiful useless artifacts belong indoors" |
- Proper helmet sizing to hide your bike shame.
- How to get out of the way of deserving motorists.
- How to properly store your bike.
- Transit tips to the nearest museum or landfill.
- Promoting WINGAC - "When in doubt, get a car".
"This is nearly acceptable" |
So, friends, you can see there's no reason to fear the AAA. They're on your side, even if you want to peddle your bike idiocy across the car dominated streets of San Francisco.
"Finally, a bicycle we can be proud of" - AAA Spokesman |
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Wiggle is a MAJOR DEATHTRAP, Probably
Welcome to Fresh Cycle Hell |
That green zigzag is the bike murder area... even if the amount of accidents happened in those big red dots around it, and even if there haven't been any fatalities... allegedly |
Ed Nelson, long time resident, said that he's absolutely terrified of these two wheeled menaces and thinks the amount of hit and runs are going to skyrocket. "What's to stop these cycle terrorists from wiping out a ton of people? All they have to do is hit someone, fall down, get back up, make sure their bike is ok, make sure they are fine, and then drive away Scott Free!"
Bicyclist that probably blew through that stop sign and also ran over 15 people on the previous block and somehow managed to stay upright on his bike. |
A crash map of the Panhandle where thousands of bikers and pedestrians share the same space every day. The red dot indicates all the cars that have collided with... wait, scratch that. |