Last Chance to go Speedin' up and Down Masonic Before They Screw it up!

Dear motorists, despite all our efforts to "Save Masonic", the countless flyers filled with exclamations(!!!), bold lettering, and RAGE CAPS, we have lost a battle in the perverbial ~War on Cars~.  The Masonic Avenue redesign is only a few days away.  It's now a time of mourning, and to enjoy the last few days of this perfect Avenue, born out of an intense love of freeways and parking lots.  Get your fill of free arterial on-street parking, and watch your "high scores" on the radar speed sign while you race back and forth between Oak and Bush without even the slightest worry that there's law enforcement near.

Elmer Snodgrass, neighborhood parking activist, bemoaned, "You knows that once they start this so-called 'improvement project' that traffic is gonna be gridlock.  I'm thinkin' about movin' to San Jose.  I hear they got it good down there with wide roads, loads of free parkin' for ya' and there's ain't stupid pedestrians wanting to walk all out in the road all of the time. 

Used to be a time here when the mayor and the MTA cared about people and cars. Not no more. Now they just care about 'safety' and 'multi modal use' and other code words for stealin' from cars and drivers.  First they stealin' our parkin'.  Now they's puttin' in bike lanes that no one's ever gonna use.  I don't even see many bikers risking their lives biking down this suburban wonder.  It's just like the saying goes, 'you don't go building bridges until you see people swimming across shark infested waters.'"

Ellis Hendrickson screamed, "theres's a perfectly fine bike alternative that non-biking people whipped up.  Bikers just need to go through the Baker Street sharrows and dooring lanes, hit several stop signs along the way, climb a major hill while the bike lanes disappear in favor of angled parking.  Then Cross six lanes of Turk street highway, continue to climb up the hill until it plateaus, then ride down a steep hill without any bike lanes, pray that you don't get hit by cars exiting the garages, and on-street parking.  Take a right turn and continue down a steep hill, more stop signs, hang a left and continue to spiral down through moving and parked cars, continue across Geary's eight lanes of traffic, then go on the left side of Baker for some reason, hang another left at the stop sigh and go back up Post Street's steep hills.  Oh, and then hang a right on Presidio's non existent bike lanes.  Now isn't that much easier than just biking straight through Masonic Avenue?!"  When asked if motorists should use that route she exclaimed, "that's a burden no motorist should ever have to bear."

Despite all this common sense from people who don't want their motoring way of live altered in any way whatsoever, the city is still bent on creating an "active transport" hellscape on Masonic Avenue. It's hard to imagine anyone will continue to live on this street for much longer, given the lack of arterial on-street parking.  In the meantime, go out there and enjoy the glory days of the 50's before they screw it up!

Deemed "controversial" because only a lot of it goes to cars.

Turning Screams & Streets Into Parking Lots - SFMTA's Cramologists in Action

Parking abounds in San Francisco, and each clod of parking is like a beautiful snowflake, unique and beautiful in its own way.  As you meander around all these idling metal beasts, you may ask yourself, "who crammed all this beautiful parking, everywhere?"  Well, wonder no more, my friends. The SFMTA actually has a team of Cramologists who design all the on-street parking you see today. Car storage isn't placed willy nilly.  It's based on a science that analyzes the blood curdling motorist screams for parking and blends it with the geometry of San Francisco's extra wide streets.

Cramologists painstakingly calculate the tantrums of adults and turn it into parking 

San Francisco goes to great lengths to ensure just the right amount of cramming happens on our streets.  "Our employees can't just slather cars all over the urban landscape without proper training.  A person has to go through 8 years of study to earn a PhD in Cramology before they can even put one car on the street.  They have to spend years observing child tantrums and constant whining before they truly get a sense of where to place cars.  Once graduated, they'll be ready to jam as many metal boxes on the streets as possible.  Sometimes it's almost enough to pacify the average asphalt hungry motorist."

Seasoned Cramologists develop all kinds of craming techniques, from on-street parking on arterial streets,  90 degree, back angled parking, all the way to the parking right up to the corner of 4 way stop signs!  "When we stop hearing a few screams and threats, we know we've done our job well." said one teary eyed Junior Cramologist.

Don't worry everyone, there's a "Vision Zero" logo in the corner so you know the parking they cram all over this neighborhood will be super safe! ~Cramology in Action~
image found here.

Cramology is a body science that's constantly evolving.  They're always finding new ways to jam more combustible boxes onto the streets.  The L Taraval Project takes Cramology to an entirely new level, due to the screams of neighborhood motorists who have absolutely no regard for human life.  One Senior Cramologist created what he considers a "bus island" made out of parked cars, crosshatch paint, and a little hope and prayer.  "It's sure to be a hit!" he exclaimed, then looked down at the floor, and started to sob.

Cramology - the science of blending car storage & screams.

St. Paul Motorists Want Free Parking on Grand Avenue, and Free Ice Cream

Grand Avenue Business Association, known as "GABA", is upset over a proposal to install 525 parking meters along St. Paul, Minnesota's Grand Avenue.  Motorists are also upset with the proposal to take away their free ice cream, a treat they have enjoyed at no expense to people who arrive on Grand Avenue by car.

Motorists pay for vehicles, gas, tax, insurance, part of the roads, the services & products from Grand Avenue businesses, but why should they have to pay to park our car, or enjoy ice cream?
image found here.

A Grand Avenue Business Association survey found that 88 percent of businesses on the street are opposed to having to pay for their own ice cream.  Gary Stumpfield, longtime community whiner, said, "People have had free ice cream here ever since I can remember, so why should they ever have to pay for it?  We're angry, and we want ice cream, so give us our damn ice cream!"

 "We're an angry whiny crowd of people who want free stuff.  Look at us in the eyes when you're telling us we can't have free ice cream, you monsters!"
image found here

The plan, according to anecdotal evidence from news outlets, is opposed by ~many~ businesses and residents who say that meters & paying for ice cream will discourage shoppers and just push the demand for free ice cream into other surrounding areas.  People who get to Grand Avenue by taking public transportation, biking, or walking said it's not fair that motorists get free ice cream in the first place, while no one else does. "Let them pay for the wear & tear, and public safety upgrades for the street, as well as their own damn ice-cream.  Why do they think they're so special?"

They're just going to go to one of those other magical places where there's free ice cream for motorists.
image found here.  

Mayor Coleman announced the pay for parking & ice cream plan would draw in an estimated $800,000 for the city’s general fund.  “Making motorists pay for their parking, and sweet delicious treats is the fiscally responsible thing to do.” Kristin Beckmann said, “Minneapolis has 7,500 metered spaces and they all pay for their ice cream.  You do not see businesses going out of business because of lack of free ice cream.”  Beckmann spoke at a rally held Sunday by GABA to protest the plan with many adult children booing and throwing themselves on the ground in tantrums.  When asked why they thought they should continue to get free parking and ice-cream, one man-child replied, "because I'll hold my breath forever if you don't" and proceeded to turn purple.

"Why are you being so meeaaannn?!?"
image found here.

Prop L Sounds the Parking Alarm - "We Need More Space to Not Move Vehicles"

There's a real first world problem in San Francisco.  Per person, a car takes up 10 times more space than a bike, 15 times more than a train, and 30 times more than a pedestrian,  So obviously you need lots more room for them.  If you live in the population dense city of San Francisco, you're probably asking yourself "why isn't there more free space to not move vehicles?" The car balance loving supporters of Prop L have brought attention to this highly important issue.

The balanced use of a street should be to idle cars 95% of the time.  

Their website states "From 2009 to 2013, the MTA abolished over 4,000 street parking places" out of 441,950 spaces.  That's still more than the entire length of the California coast.  Did you hear that? The SFMTA "abolished" 00.90% of parking?  To help put that into perspective check out the picture below.

These 4,000 spots were once used to not move a car 95% of the time, for free.  And just what are they doing now?

• Bus bulb-outs and extra bus stop room to accommodate double loading and capacity.
• Car Share programs for people who want to get rid of their car or currently don't own one.
• The 3 actual bike dedicated bike lanes in San Francisco.  
• Parklets for pedestrians to enjoy more space around their favorite shops and restaurants
• "Safety"- like "Daylighting" Street corners for pedestrian visibility.  

Can you believe the SFMTA would abolish a parking space like this just so pedestrian can avoid vehicle carnage?
image found here.

Car dominated balance supporter Brandon Carlson exclaimed, "Since when did the Municipal Transit Association get it in their thick head that street space should actually move something? What kind of planet are they on?"  Prop L supporters believe that removing a fraction of a percent of space for parking is nothing short of madness.  Their hope is that when you think of gridlock in SF, you think of blaming the streets that lost car storage in favor of moving people and keeping them safer.

Space utilized to move people more than 5% of the time?  Disgusting.
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Start-up Takes Advantage of Absurdly Free Parking in SF, Again!

"Where else would you find free real estate in a dense, expensive city?"
image found here.

Not since the gold rush era have we seen wealth created virtually overnight, and from exploring the untapped resources of California.  Now we're seeing venture capitalists looking for the next gold mine, whether it's renting out your house, driving people around in your private car, or the quasi-selling of free public parking spaces.  A start-up cutely named "Monkey Parking" tried, and failed at capitalizing on cheap parking space in San Francisco. And while selling information about people leaving parking spots doesn't fly with SF officials, that's not stopping another start-up from mining some gold from those sweet, sweet free parking spots around the city.

You'll be creating dynamic synergies in the comfort of a creepy van in no time!
image found here.  

Jeff Fender, co-founder of "Wheeled Business Gold" wants to start cashing in on the cheapest resource in San Francisco.  He explains, "We realized that cars in the city aren't utilized around 97% of the time and pay virtually nothing to be there.  So why not start putting these spaces to use?"  Jeff and his team have equipped cars with wifi, LCD's, smartphone chargers, coffee machines and a honey bucket.  They'll only charge the customers three dollars an hour for the service.  "Parking your car in San Francisco is free, and at most is $200 annually for a parking permit in the city.  We can conceivably make $43,800 a year just from bad parking policy."

Cashing in from a abundant free and natural resource - it's exactly what "Wheeled Business Gold" is all about.
image found here. 

Jeff said right now they're not so much worried about the city attorney as they are about the threat of parklets, bicycle parking and car share services.  "Anything that puts people ahead of automobiles will be detrimental to our business.  We need to make sure that this virtually free public land continues to be allocated to vehicles, and only vehicles." Jeff explained.  And while prices for everything in San Francisco continues to climb, from food, to transit, and parking, you can rest assured that SF parking will remain absurdly low and ripe for the picking. 

SF Motorists Rejoice While Driving Around Longer, Angrier, For FREE SUNDAY PARKING!

The motorists of San Francisco have a lot more to rejoice about on Sundays, because they'll now be able to drive around longer looking for FREE parking.  People who find parking can now leave their car parked all day as well without ever having to move it. What could possibly go wrong!?

Great news!  You can now circle around downtown SF for free parking on Sundays!
image found here

Gloria Sanderson exclaims, "It took me over 20 minutes to find parking, but I saved a couple of bucks that I would have normally spent on transit, or treating myself to an ice cream after a bike ride into downtown.  There's no way I'm giving up this spot all day after what I went through to earn it."

Why just pay for parking when you can circle around for 10 minutes and maybe find  free parking?
Image found here.

Mayor Lee's Task force came up with the idea of Sunday metering to help with congestion and also make other forms of transportation more palatable.  It would also shore up more money for the underfunded SFMTA, which needs at least 3 billion dollars to upgrade the aging infrastructure.  But then Mayor Lee pushed to remove Sunday parking, for, reasons...  He then sent a press release congratulating himself on repealing the idea that he and his team came up in the first place.  Great Job Lee!

Meanwhile, Muni will increase 25 cents to 2.25, even on Sundays.  But don't worry, parking will remain FREE to anyone who can find it!

Waiting around for free stuff always is a good idea.
image found here.