Amsterdamned by Bikes

Recently the New York Times came out with a 100% true hyperbole that Amsterdam has been completely destroyed by bicycles.  Over 30% of all trips are taken by those wretched non-motorized jack-wagons.  Of course, Streetfilms has tried to deny this absolute fact made up by the New York Times.

Minutes later, Anita died of bike poisoning.
(Image courtesy of The New York Times)

Unfortunately the city caved into "special interest" bike fanatics long ago by giving them a third of the space that would justifiably go to uncloggable car infrastructure.  They even ENCOURAGED bicycle transit and let this bicycle plague get out of hand!  Now everywhere from the Red Light District to Centraal Station is littered with bicycles. The problem has gotten so out of control that tourists can't even recognize public landmarks anymore.

The Anne Frank Museum.
(image found here)

What's left of the Van Gogh museum after bikes reached critical mass
(Image found here)

Citizens pine for the good old days when cars took over the city and magically disappeared when they weren't needed.
 (Image found here)

Citizens in Amsterdam are asking themselves where they went wrong when they decided to start removing the cars from the streets in the 50s and 60s.  Satellite images through google maps show a sea of metal, spokes and rubber.  Directions are confusing because they'll instruct you to "turn at the cluster of pink, blue and orange bikes".  8000 tourists went missing last year alone.

Amsterdamians are fed up.  Local police chief Edmund explained, "We were all such fools to believe this was the right decision to encourage bikes over cars, and now we're stuck with this mess of bikes in the city that would cost literally hundreds of dollars to clean up".   Officials are contemplating how to clean up this mess and what weekend they could do it.

Hopefully we don't make the same kind of grave mistakes in San Francisco, where city officials want 20% of bike transit usage by 2020.  If the city gets its way you won't even be able to walk a foot without running into a bicycle.  Let's look at Amsterdam as a terrible, horrible beacon of things to come.   Friends, stick to the tried and true method of transportation, with uncluttered cars parked on every single street of San Francisco.  

The bicycle epidemic is so bad that bikes have actually formed unstoppable super bikes.  
(Image Courtesy of the City of Sydney)

AAA Approves Bike Transportation

There's been a lot of talk about American Automobile Association, and their utter disdain for anything other than vehicle dominance and lobbying for billions of miles for glorious highways and freeways.  But, friends, that's simply not true!  The AAA just wholeheartedly approved bicycles, with a few minor tweaks.

No, not this kind of bike you moron.  

AAA spokesman confirmed "We really need to start supporting this weird and useless form of transportation that doesn't take up enough space or waste enough fossil fuel.  We're working with various bike coalitions and large multinational vehicle manufacturers to come up with a viable solution to ensure that we don't lose revenue and relevance in modern society."

"Gas powered is certainly the way to go for bikes, but there aren't enough wheels"

The AAA says they have always been fans of bicycles, as an olive branch, they recently worked with a well angered bike coalition to ensure that there's one in every museum across the country.  They have even offered anywhere from $100 to $500 to reclaim used or new bikes and haul them to the local landfill.

"These beautiful useless artifacts belong indoors"

But museums aren't the only way AAA has gleefully tried to promote bikes.  They've also have offered safety tips.

• Proper helmet sizing to hide your bike shame.
• How to get out of the way of deserving motorists.
• How to properly store your bike.
• Transit tips to the nearest museum or landfill. 
• Promoting WINGAC - "When in doubt, get a car".

"This is nearly acceptable"

So, friends, you can see there's no reason to fear the AAA.  They're on your side, even if you want to peddle your bike idiocy across the car dominated streets of San Francisco.  

"Finally, a bicycle we can be proud of" - AAA Spokesman

Transit Tip of the Week

Did you know that 100% of all bicycle related injuries are caused by riding a bike?  The only safe bike, is a bike you never ride.

Throw your bike away and never worry about a bike related injury again!