This Holiday Season MTA Reminds us to Tolerate Members of our "Transit Family"

The holiday season is upon us and cities across the country are reminding everyone to have compassion for their family this year, specifically those in their "transit family".  MTA spokesman said, "look everyone, we know vehicles may be loud, inconsiderate and reckless, but they have been part of our transit family for over a century.  At some point they'll take a swing at you, or belt out some insensitive racial slur. There will be tears and regret, but family is family, whether we like them or not." 


He's big, loud and going to break shit, but hey he's family and you can't abandon family on Christmas! 

Think of vehicles like that of a your selfish prick, Uncle Paul.  Every year you're in the middle of the holiday meal, basking in the glow of your loved ones and a meal that took all day to prepare when Uncle Paul barrels in, unannounced and unwelcomed yet again.  Doesn't he remember the fight you had about all that money he owes you for that pyramid scheme he roped you into?  Was he that blacked out when he backed into the Christmas tree, taking down your most prized ornaments and hope that 'this year will be different'? 

And yes, you don't want your grandparents or children anywhere near Uncle Paul aka "the swear uncle".  Remember when your niece Becky called him out for cheating at Monopoly?  Sure, he was totally in the wrong, but that didn't stop him from throwing his fist through the dry wall.  Do you really want to relive that nightmare again?  Just let him have his way, tell your children to avoid him, and maybe he wont horribly scar their childhood again.

Unavoidable facts of life.

Besides, Uncle Paul said that he's going to change, sometime around 2024 he's really going to get his act together.  You just have to give him time with his "Vision Zero F^ck Ups" plan, which is only about a decade away.  He's going to change, honest, so just shut up already!  So this holiday season, be sure to set a place for all those terrible members of your transit family, no matter how undeserving these ticking time bombs are. 

He's going to change, as soon as you lend him some money for his "eBay of revenge porn" business.

MTA Pilots Humaniti ® Technology on City Streets

Metro Transit Authorities have long tried to curb the tide of death and dismemberment on the roads with paint, blinking lights, and cement to no avail.  Citing over 30,000 deaths a year, mostly due to driver neglect, the MTA has looked for options that instill some form of humanity in the hearts and minds of motorists.  One Silicon Valley based startup, founded by Stan Arguile, may have just the solution to the city's Vision Zero goals.  It's called Humaniti ® and so far the results have been nothing short of remarkable.

The Humaniti ® system can cover 3 square miles and interact with over 3000 heartless motorists at any given time.

With Stan's system, motorists experience feelings of humanity while driving through the city.  For instance, when a motorists runs a red light they might see their grandmother being utterly destroyed by their very own car.  Sometimes people speeding or texting will see their children running to get a ball and find themselves utterly shaken.   The system is smart enough to even detect motorists in the crosswalks and experience the annoyance and danger they would be feeling if they were walking. Stan said it even can recognize annoyances like people on extremely loud motorcycles.  "I've seen several guys on motorcycles turn off the road screaming 'holy shit I'm a total asshole!'"

Cheryl, after taking a sharp right turn past some pedestrians, experiences what it would be like to run over her beloved puppy in such a haste.
image found here.

When asked what happens to licensed motorists completely devoid of any humanity at all , Stan replied, "motorist sociopaths typically experience feelings of their own bones cracking or being thrown across the street to the side of the road.  The Humaniti ® system will try out all sorts of scenarios until it senses the user emotionally reacts to the crime they're committing."  He also noted that, "jackwagons laying on the horn have been reduced 94%."  

Lenny McClayton, sneers at the "F*cking box that makes me feel feelings"
image found here.

Humaniti ® has been piloted in several cities with remarcable results.  Vehicle collisions have gone down 75% since their installation.  The City of San Francisco saw a huge drop in car ridership and a 250% increase in public transit, walking and cycling.  But it has not been without its critics. Motorists have expressed frustration with the new system and they've been asking for higher penalities and even jail time to avoid having to feel the anxiety of driving a two ton vehicle at high velocities in a pedestrian rich environment.  "Just give me a ticket or something I can't deal with the potential consequences of my choice to drive my car on the road " one teary eyed motorists explained.

"The Humanit ® system will find anything to distract the driver from the confines of their vehicle and convince them they're still a part of humanity."

Not only has Stan experienced some criticism, but he's also had several Humaniti ® systems destroyed by neighborhoods that just couldn't deal with the potential consequences they might have due to their own reckless behavior.  Stan said this will not stop him, but he might make some tweaks to Humaniti 2.0 ®.  "We've been toying with the idea of having the system reward people with a shot of serotonin for driving like decent human beings.  You know, the ones that put the lives of others ahead of their own time and convenience?"