MTA Pilots Humaniti ® Technology on City Streets

Metro Transit Authorities have long tried to curb the tide of death and dismemberment on the roads with paint, blinking lights, and cement to no avail.  Citing over 30,000 deaths a year, mostly due to driver neglect, the MTA has looked for options that instill some form of humanity in the hearts and minds of motorists.  One Silicon Valley based startup, founded by Stan Arguile, may have just the solution to the city's Vision Zero goals.  It's called Humaniti ® and so far the results have been nothing short of remarkable.

The Humaniti ® system can cover 3 square miles and interact with over 3000 heartless motorists at any given time.

With Stan's system, motorists experience feelings of humanity while driving through the city.  For instance, when a motorists runs a red light they might see their grandmother being utterly destroyed by their very own car.  Sometimes people speeding or texting will see their children running to get a ball and find themselves utterly shaken.   The system is smart enough to even detect motorists in the crosswalks and experience the annoyance and danger they would be feeling if they were walking. Stan said it even can recognize annoyances like people on extremely loud motorcycles.  "I've seen several guys on motorcycles turn off the road screaming 'holy shit I'm a total asshole!'"

Cheryl, after taking a sharp right turn past some pedestrians, experiences what it would be like to run over her beloved puppy in such a haste.
image found here.

When asked what happens to licensed motorists completely devoid of any humanity at all , Stan replied, "motorist sociopaths typically experience feelings of their own bones cracking or being thrown across the street to the side of the road.  The Humaniti ® system will try out all sorts of scenarios until it senses the user emotionally reacts to the crime they're committing."  He also noted that, "jackwagons laying on the horn have been reduced 94%."  

Lenny McClayton, sneers at the "F*cking box that makes me feel feelings"
image found here.

Humaniti ® has been piloted in several cities with remarcable results.  Vehicle collisions have gone down 75% since their installation.  The City of San Francisco saw a huge drop in car ridership and a 250% increase in public transit, walking and cycling.  But it has not been without its critics. Motorists have expressed frustration with the new system and they've been asking for higher penalities and even jail time to avoid having to feel the anxiety of driving a two ton vehicle at high velocities in a pedestrian rich environment.  "Just give me a ticket or something I can't deal with the potential consequences of my choice to drive my car on the road " one teary eyed motorists explained.

"The Humanit ® system will find anything to distract the driver from the confines of their vehicle and convince them they're still a part of humanity."

Not only has Stan experienced some criticism, but he's also had several Humaniti ® systems destroyed by neighborhoods that just couldn't deal with the potential consequences they might have due to their own reckless behavior.  Stan said this will not stop him, but he might make some tweaks to Humaniti 2.0 ®.  "We've been toying with the idea of having the system reward people with a shot of serotonin for driving like decent human beings.  You know, the ones that put the lives of others ahead of their own time and convenience?"

Lee's “Be Nice, Look Twice” Campaign Matched With "Look Over Your Shoulder, and Carry a Boulder"

In 2013, there was a near-record high of 21 pedestrian fatalities and 4 cyclist fatalities in San Francisco.  Mayor Lee announced his "Be Nice, Look Twice" campaign and he's received a lot of criticism for "pedestrian and cyclist blaming".  Shortly after, his advisers whipped up an equally worthy campaign, "Look Over Your Shoulder, and Carry a Boulder".

Preparing to walk through SF!
image found here.

"We know that pedestrians are the most vulnerable to cars, but they need to understand that people need to get from point A to B as quickly as possible, and even though they're driving a 2 ton vehicle with the potential for a high velocity collision, the pedestrian can be just as much to blame." said Lee's spokesman. He followed up with, "Cars are responsible for 66% of the accidents in the city, and that's why we we're trying to equal the playing field with cars, and encourage pedestrians to carry a boulder whenever possible".

Pedestrian hiding behind a boulder for dear life.
image found here

The boulder rules are similar to driving a car in the city.  As long as you don't intend on hurting anyone by carrying a boulder around, you won't be held accountable for any accidents.  Pedestrians are assured if they hurl a boulder into the middle of an intersection, so long as they weren't targeting anyone in particular it will be considered an inevitable fact of life in the city.

"Only two of the drivers responsible for fatalities faced any consequences, and the same will apply to boulder wielding pedestrians.
Image found here. 

Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day

DYFA Day in full swing!

It's that time of year again!  No, I'm not talking about "Take Your Idiotcycle to Work Day".  It's only a week away from "Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day" where the city devotes an entire day to encouraging exclusive single vehicle ridership to work on the streets of San Francisco.

Getting ready for the Annual Drive!

On Thursday, May 16th the annual DYFA begins! San Franciscans are encourages to ditch their walking shoes, throw away their bikes, abandon public transit, and partake in the glory of personal vehicle dominance that has been enjoyed for over a century.  Everyone is welcome, from easily distracted and inexperienced youth, multiple DUI motorists, fender benders, speed demons, to unchecked elderly drivers!  Some sidewalks and the .5% of bicycle infrastructure in the city will be removed and modified to accommodate faster driving speeds and to more free subsidized lockers for cars.

Useless sidewalks become car lockers and extra drive-able space to allow a smooth commute to work.  

Gary Rigmore, advocate for DYFA, said, "People need to be reminded that motorists aren't like walkers or bikers.  We're not mildly annoying where we could bump into you, cause some minor scuffs, or suffer some collateral damage to ourselves in the process.  We are bigger, faster, indestructible  and can KILL you."  Gary's goal is to instill the kind of fear back into the minds of pedestrians and walkers that has been chipped away with bicycle lane and pedestrian safety improvements.

The SFPD will help to block off sidewalk traffic and has sent fliers to SF residents to purchase, lease, rent or  borrow cars while the celebration takes place.  Carpooling is strongly discouraged and BART and MUNI will shut down entirely to encourage the combined million passengers to seek more independent modes of transportation.  SFPD has also been asked to be lax with speed limit enforcement, distracted drivers, and parking in bike lanes.  They assured the city that they're experts at this, with decades of topnotch experience uninforcing vehicle laws.

Sidewalks will be closed off to discourage walking and other pathetic modes of commuting. 

Fellow car advocate, blogger, and EIR molester, Bob Gunderson expressed elation. "Everyone knows I don't have to commute to a workplace, and I haven't driven a vehicle in decades, but this kind of car celebration reminds me of the way things used to be, and therefore always should be".  With tear-stained eyes,  Bob then scurried back into his house to resume his lifelong work as blogging shut-in.

Local merchants, who typically rely on foot traffic for a size-able chuck of their income, will join in by offering donuts, 60 oz. drinks and hamburgers on the urban freeways.  Many of the them plan to wear brightly colored shirts to avoid a city mandated "don't stand your ground" law passed for the celebration. The ordinance fines walkers and cyclists if they get in the way of vehicles.  Fines will also double for pedestrians that are struck by a vehicle.

Donuts will be offered to motorists, and peds will be corralled in the background so motorists can enjoy eating and driving  to work with little pedestrian distraction.  

Gary Rigmore is looking forward to the day's events.  "We really need to get the word out about car dominance.  One day a year is just not enough for this kind of celebration.  We should have one every month, or week  We also need to make sure people don't get this day confused with, say, every day."

Pedestrian Strategy in SF - Untold Casualties and Repercussions Await

In the last month Mayor Lee has decided to enact some of the most far reaching and outlandish pedestrian safety initiatives in decades.

Upgrading 44 miles of streets where injuries are most concentrated, 5 miles per year through 2021;

Giving pedestrians extra crossing time at 800 intersections citywide, at least 160 annually;

Improving safety around schools and senior centers with high pedestrian injury ;

Upgrading 13,000 curb ramps in the next 10 years; and

Targeting police enforcement efforts on the City’s most hazardous corridors and intersections.

Fatalities just waiting to happen....

It's this kind of "anti-car" mentality that will undoubtedly destroy this fair city.  Everyone know that tourists flock to San Francisco so they can explore their god given right to operate a vehicle in a city approx 50 square miles. Not only that, but as this city grows, we're going to need more parking spots, bigger, more spacious roads, and less amenities for foolish things like walking or biking.

But there are unintended consequences to such a walknut mentality.  What happens when people start ditching their vehicles with unfettered access and infrastructure that encourages walking and biking more?  What kind of fresh hell will we unleash when pedestrians and bikers have better access to the infrastructure in place?  Here's what you're about to see SF...

Smug Pedestrians will cause numerous traffic accidents with their fast walking speeds and blatant disregard for safety.

The average adult walks about 3.1 miles per hour, but what happens when wider infrastructure is in place?  Just how fast will these walk nuts go?  Although there's no EIR, I'm sure we'll be seeing headlines like this in the upcoming years"

But this kind of wanton destruction isn't reserved for walkers.  The bikers that currently get a whopping .8 percent of dedicated space on the road, and the SFMTA squanders .46 percent on bike infrastructure.  Imagine what might happen if these bikers get 1%?!  Bikers, with their average speeds of 13-15 mph would turn into speed crazed lunatics!

This kind of anti-car policy is going to lead us over the edge.  If we start to allow more pedestrian and bicycle amenities, they will undoubtedly want more and more space, and will stop at nothing to remove even an inch for their selfish gain.  Their disregard for safety will be unparalleled.  What's next, will they expect vehicles to give any of their precious 320,000 parking spaces in the city?  At some point will there be a street or two exclusively for pedestrian and bicycle traffic? It's only a matter of time until we see these hellish headlines materialize.