UC Study Irrefutably Concludes: Cycling = DOOM

You might be surprised to know which one of these things is the most dangerous
 (*hint* It's biking with your family)
Images found here, here, and here.

For anyone who rides a bicycle in the city of San Francisco, I have some shocking news for you.  Did you know that you can get hurt by riding a bicycle?!?  It's true, even though the city and the Bicycle Coalition touts that it's perfectly 100% safe, probably.  Well this UC study proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that cycling is the WORST. THING. EVER.  The study found from 2000 to 2009 / 2,504 people got hurt on their bikes over a ten year period.  Considering that 43,000 commute by bike a day in the Bay Area, I'm sure that number is super scary.

You might be asking yourself a few questions about this data and I'm here to help guide you to the logical conclusion that biking is absolutely the most asinine thing you can do.

Question 1: There's a lot of different kinds of cycling: racing, recreational, long distance, commuting.  Does the study say what these cyclists were doing?  Maybe there's a correlation between things like age, type of biking and injury?

Answer: Shut up it doesn't matter all biking is the same to me and it should be the same to you!

This is really the only way biking could be any more dangerous.
image found here 

Question 2: If an average of 43,000 people are cycling each day, and you multiplied that by 365 days for 10 years, doesn't that mean one person was injured about every 1.5 days?  Doesn't that mean one person is injured out of every 64,500 bike trips, and bikers have .a 0015% chance of getting injured enough to warrant a trip to the ER?

Answer: You're a crazy bike-nut.  I don't let facts get in the way of my righteous indignation.

Question 3:  I saw an article about the New York City Bike Share and they've had very little injury and zero deaths.  Out of 8.75 million trips, they've had about 100 crashes reported, and about 25 of them required a trip to the ER.  How do you explain that?

Answer: Don't try and change the subject!!! This is about San Francisco and it's only ok for me to reference other cities when I'm discussing how ruinous biking is.

Think biking is safe?  Think again.  All these bikers are now DEAD.
image found here. 

Question 4: Couldn't you argue that walking and driving a car could also be dangerous?  Can you compare all the modes of transportation?

Answer: No and don't ever tell me what to do again.

Conclusion from the UC study: "trauma centers can play a key role in future collaborations to define issues and develop prevention strategies for CO (Cyclist Only) crashes."

Bob's Conclusion: Biking is simply the most atrocious thing you can do for yourself because some people get hurt doing it.  Think of biking as eating a plate of radioactive lard while being shot out of a cannon into a tank of starving sharks.  It's just that hazardous. Now throw away that pesky bike of yours and get yourself into a sweet sweet automobile.  I just saved your life, my friend.

Now doesn't this look a lot safer and healthier?
image found here.

Don't Bike to Work Day - May 6th!

These bad boys are staying put today for the annual "Don't Bike to Work Day"
image found here.  

Everyone by now knows that May 8th is San Francisco's official "Bike to Work Day", but people might not know that May 6th is "Don't Bike to Work Day" when over 24,000 people who would otherwise bike to work, decide to take other slower and more expensive modes of transport.  Regular cyclist commuter, Dutch Johnson, standing awkwardly in a Muni bus with a elbow in his face, commented, "this is a good day for cyclists to remember how terrible commuting can actually be".  Muni already has an overburdened system and today the extra passengers pushed it to the tipping point.  

Muni riders trying to figure out what the shit is going on today and why they can't fit into their already crammed bus.
Images found here and here.  

Muni wasn't the only overburdened transit system today.   Market street and all of the surrounding streets were heavily congested since 3000 cyclists were replaced with mostly motorists.  Cars were spilling into the bus only lanes and stopping in the crosswalks, causing headaches to pedestrians.  Sandra Miney said, "This is an absolute nightmare down here. What a stupid thing for the cyclists to do!  What were they thinking!?"   

Randy Fitzgerald drove his car through downtown and was fortunate enough to find a parking, garage with capacity.  "I nearly forgot that I could spend 20 minutes driving my car 4 miles downtown through Market Street and pay $40 dollars to park".  Other people weren't fortunate to find parking as all the parking garages filled up before 10 am.  

"Good luck, they're all taken!"
image found here.

There were Don't Bike to Work Day "Aggravation Stations" all over the city for the event.  Pedestrians were given reflective gear so they were seen by more angry frustrated drivers.  They were also given plenty of water so they were hydrated when screaming at motorists pulling dumb moves like U-turns, fast bursts of angered speed through red lights and stopping in the crosswalks.  Motorists were also given Xanax and calming teas so they could finish their commute with a few nerves left in them.  

All in all Don't Bike to Work Day was a huge success thanks to the cyclists that gave up their easy, inexpensive, and congestion free commute.  Helmets off to everyone and here's to an even bigger, more crowded, nightmare next year!

"I hate you all!!!
image found here.  

Masonic Drivers to SFMTA - "Don't Fix Masonic We'll Try to Behave Ourselves!"

"Oops sorry about that I'll wait for you next time I promise!"

When you walk down Masonic and hear the screeching of cars, the honking horns, the clogged intersections, and you probably think to yourself, "wow that's a highly effective neighborhood highway avenue!"  Well, not everyone seems to think so.  After 5 years of public outcry, SFMTA workshops,  multiple articles in the news, a couple of deaths, unanimous Supervisor support and full funding, the city is ready to undue this marvel of car-centric engineering with a complete redesign of the street.  Some Masonic drivers that actually happen to live in the city are outraged and say there's no need for pedestrian safety improvements and calming measures when they can simply promise to be nicer.

"Oh Geez I'm sorry *polite hand wave*

"Oops go ahead I'll probably let you go through before I step on the gas"

Save(ParkingandSpeedingon)Masonic has tried their best to thwart these plans by coming in super late to the game to save parking on this beautiful virtual highway.  They know that the key to great urban planning was solidified in the 50s and a 3 lane traffic corridor with excessive speeds and on-street parking is the best thing a neighborhood and city needs.  They even had cute cuddly 8 year old children write up a sign for them to no avail.

"We'll get it down to the lower/mid 30's I mean come on let's be serious here!"

Now the drivers freely admit to using this highway-like corridor, well, like a highway.  They are pleading with the public and SFMTA to leave it the way it is and they'll try to behave themselves.  They promise to:

• Try not to block pedestrian crossing most of the time.
• Attempt to stay around 30 miles an hour.
• Really try hard not to take a left turn during commute times.
• Magically look through parked cars when taking a fast sharp right turn off Masonic.  
• Resist the urge to blast through red lights.  
• Take sharp U-turns when absolutely necessary.  
• Pretend like the street belongs to others too.  

"Whoops sorry my bad!"

"Sorry pedestrian just wait a second I might kill you I'll do better next time scout's honor! " 

Barry Hadly remarks, "Ok we admit that we speed a little and clog the pedestrian crosswalks and take crazy fast turns, but please leave this traffic sewer as it is and we promise we'll try to be better."  This kind of honor system is sure to have a more positive effect than installing a median, a cycle track, removing parking from a major transit corridor, and installing a stupid bike lane that most San Franciscans favor.

So to anyone that walks, bikes or lives in the neighborhood, the drivers on Masonic Avenue will try not to dominate and harass you on the street any longer, and fast reckless driving is probably a thing of the past.  Now get rid of that pesky safety improvement redesign plan and let's all get ice cream!

Its a residential area, of course we'll drive the speed limit, from now on!

Bikesore of the Week - Double the Displeasure

It's bad enough when bike are parked around town, but now we have to look at this bike abomination?  Go back to the drawing board you artsy fixed gear hipster aholes! 

SFPD Citing Bikers - "Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel"

Ticketing a biker is just this easy.
Image found here

The San Francisco Police Department has a limited amount of time and resources, and they're using it to tackle some of the big issues in the city; issues like Chess players on Market Street, enforcing dog bans in parks, and most importantly, busting bikers.

Deputy Kent exclaimed, "We're tired of trying to catch motorists speeding, illegal U-turns, running red lights, and endangering pedestrians and cyclists.  We heard that some bikes are strolling through stop signs at a couple miles an hour and we thought to ourselves, 'this is going to be easy!'"

Cop nestled into a bike lane to easily ticket a biker.
Image found here.

SFPD started the FIAB campaign when they realized they could catch bikers by walking, a light run, or in some cases, driving a block to ticket them.  "These people are pretty much endangering themselves, and that's just unacceptable to the SFPD for, reasons."

We also need to enforce the idea that these mechanical pedestrian extensions are a danger to society.  "I know people get this idea from Denmark and The Panhandle that bikers and pedestrians can coexist without stop signs and stop lights, but this is America!" said Kent.

Cop Ticketing Jaywalker for endangering his life because, "We care? *wink*  and it's super easy"
Image found here.

If the "Fish In A Barrel" program is a success, the SFPD hopes to completely abandon the little time they spend enforcing motorist laws and focus on Jaywalkers, texting pedestrians, and ticketing old and handicapped people who can't make it through the crosswalk in time.  "Even though motorists kill, maim, and destroy, it's just so much easier for my crew to catch people endangering themselves instead."

The Netherlands' bullshit idea that bikes and people can coexist in peace, rainbows. and unicorns  

Car Driver Asked - "Why are Bikers the Worst?!"

San Francisco drivers have it the worst.  From having to share the lanes with bikers, to not having the god-given right to park on every block of SF due to a bike lane, it can really be the pits.  Everyday SF car drivers were asked, "What's your bicyclist pet peeve?" Here's what they had to say:

Emily Sanchez, longtime car driver in San Francisco, said, "The worst is when you're at a 4 way stop and you want to coast on through, but some ahole bicyclist is on their way up a hill and doesn't completely stop, or they did stop and I have to wait for them to cross, I'm pissed either way."

Emily Sanchez (right) says, "bicyclist just don't have respect for anyone but themselves. " 

A lot of car drivers expressed their frustration with bicycles, because they have to pay more attention to the road.  Gone are the days when you just expected people to get out of your way and you could casually drive your car and 40+ mph in the city and not have to worry about some damn bicyclist getting in your way.  Gary Sherking, exclaimed "These bicyclists think they own the road!  If they're not taking the lane and robbing seconds off your city commute, they're in their own precious green lane that takes precious feet away from wide car paths for one hell of a ride."

Gary Sherking (somewhere in there) is just fed up with these damn bicyclists (not shown).
Picture found here.  

But this kind of cyclist hatred stems from fact that unlike car drivers and pedestrians, they are the most selfish and foolish people ever.  The only good bicyclist is one that never bikes, ever.  Matt Gifford said it best, "I see bikers do stupid shit every day in this city and the police don't even bat an eye.  One of these days some bicyclist is going to injure a person or scuff a car.  Can we just sit back and wait for this kind of thing to happen?!?"

Matt Gifford (Middle) had a lot to say about the reckless bicyclist reeking havoc on SF streets.
Picture found here.   

Sadly since San Francisco decided to spare a few lanes for bicycles and allow them full use of a lane, it's gone completely downhill and bikers are destroying this city one green foot at a time.  It's only a matter of time until there will be a single road dedicated to bicycle traffic, and I hope I'm in heaven's parking lot before that day happens.

Heaven!
Image found here

Fix Masonic, Yes! By Changing it? No!

Fix it, hell yes!  But change it in any way? Efff no!

Bike and walk nuts have been complaining about the Masonic Freeway for years, as it provides a gratuitous single vehicle drive that the likes of San Francisco has never seen.  With its luxurious 3 lane roadways and lack of pedestrian amenities, you can blast through this corridor in seconds flat!  So now, of course, Fix Masonic people want to remove this Freeway from their neighborhood.  Well, the good people at "Save Masonic" have a better way of fixing the freeway and avoiding certain doom, without even changing it!    

They suggest the following to remedy any issues anyone has been having with this freeway.  

"More trees can be planted along the sidewalk, lighting can be improved and bus shelters added"

This kind of solution would only cost about 500 dollars.  All road scientists know that more trees on the sidewalk make everything more better.

This crash involving two speeding cars would have been averted had there been more trees on Masonic's sidewalk. 

Lights also make things way better on a residential freeway.  It allows people to see when a car is speeding at you through a red light, taking an immediate U-turn, or taking a right turn at 20 miles an hour.  Pedestrians would have a much easier time getting the hell out of the way and seeking shelter behind a tree.

Where are all the lights?  This could have been avoided!  

Since the Masonic Freeway sends a ton of single rider vehicles through every day, it makes sense to dedicate a lane for residents who don't want to park in their garages.  With real estate soaring as fast as a Masonic commuter, these garages serve a critical need for storage lockers.   People can then park in front of their garage with ease.  Leave street car lockers alone, Fix Masonic!  

Vehicles on the left will have to stop blocking their garages and actually park in them.  Also, ignore that crash it will be fixed with lighting and trees.  

Clean this shit up and park in here? Are you kidding me Fix Masonic?!

It makes sense to allow this arterial connection for speeding cars, but not at all for bike nuts.  Instead of removing car lockers and adding a cycle track to help slow down traffic, there's an brilliant alternative route for people on bikes to take. Sure, some may argue it's a little confusing, but everyone knows bikers like a challenge, and after a couple dozen times you'll get used to the ups and downs, rights and lefts, turn where the old oak tree used to be,  take a right where the school burned down.  You wouldn't get this kind of adventure  with a straight shot to your destination through Masonic.  Have fun, bikers!

It's so simple! It's like Rube Goldberg created a route just for you!

So there you have it, a complete fix without having to do much changing at all!  Sure, maybe a couple people have been maimed and killed on this freeway, but if someone was on top of a building plucking off a couple people each year, would anyone really try to find the cause and stop it? Of course not, you idiot.  Hats off, Save Masonic folks, you nailed it!

Pedestrian Strategy in SF - Untold Casualties and Repercussions Await

In the last month Mayor Lee has decided to enact some of the most far reaching and outlandish pedestrian safety initiatives in decades.

Upgrading 44 miles of streets where injuries are most concentrated, 5 miles per year through 2021;

Giving pedestrians extra crossing time at 800 intersections citywide, at least 160 annually;

Improving safety around schools and senior centers with high pedestrian injury ;

Upgrading 13,000 curb ramps in the next 10 years; and

Targeting police enforcement efforts on the City’s most hazardous corridors and intersections.

Fatalities just waiting to happen....

It's this kind of "anti-car" mentality that will undoubtedly destroy this fair city.  Everyone know that tourists flock to San Francisco so they can explore their god given right to operate a vehicle in a city approx 50 square miles. Not only that, but as this city grows, we're going to need more parking spots, bigger, more spacious roads, and less amenities for foolish things like walking or biking.

But there are unintended consequences to such a walknut mentality.  What happens when people start ditching their vehicles with unfettered access and infrastructure that encourages walking and biking more?  What kind of fresh hell will we unleash when pedestrians and bikers have better access to the infrastructure in place?  Here's what you're about to see SF...

Smug Pedestrians will cause numerous traffic accidents with their fast walking speeds and blatant disregard for safety.

The average adult walks about 3.1 miles per hour, but what happens when wider infrastructure is in place?  Just how fast will these walk nuts go?  Although there's no EIR, I'm sure we'll be seeing headlines like this in the upcoming years"

But this kind of wanton destruction isn't reserved for walkers.  The bikers that currently get a whopping .8 percent of dedicated space on the road, and the SFMTA squanders .46 percent on bike infrastructure.  Imagine what might happen if these bikers get 1%?!  Bikers, with their average speeds of 13-15 mph would turn into speed crazed lunatics!

This kind of anti-car policy is going to lead us over the edge.  If we start to allow more pedestrian and bicycle amenities, they will undoubtedly want more and more space, and will stop at nothing to remove even an inch for their selfish gain.  Their disregard for safety will be unparalleled.  What's next, will they expect vehicles to give any of their precious 320,000 parking spaces in the city?  At some point will there be a street or two exclusively for pedestrian and bicycle traffic? It's only a matter of time until we see these hellish headlines materialize.