Fix Masonic, Yes! By Changing it? No!

Fix it, hell yes!  But change it in any way? Efff no!

Bike and walk nuts have been complaining about the Masonic Freeway for years, as it provides a gratuitous single vehicle drive that the likes of San Francisco has never seen.  With its luxurious 3 lane roadways and lack of pedestrian amenities, you can blast through this corridor in seconds flat!  So now, of course, Fix Masonic people want to remove this Freeway from their neighborhood.  Well, the good people at "Save Masonic" have a better way of fixing the freeway and avoiding certain doom, without even changing it!    

They suggest the following to remedy any issues anyone has been having with this freeway.  

"More trees can be planted along the sidewalk, lighting can be improved and bus shelters added"

This kind of solution would only cost about 500 dollars.  All road scientists know that more trees on the sidewalk make everything more better.

This crash involving two speeding cars would have been averted had there been more trees on Masonic's sidewalk. 

Lights also make things way better on a residential freeway.  It allows people to see when a car is speeding at you through a red light, taking an immediate U-turn, or taking a right turn at 20 miles an hour.  Pedestrians would have a much easier time getting the hell out of the way and seeking shelter behind a tree.

Where are all the lights?  This could have been avoided!  

Since the Masonic Freeway sends a ton of single rider vehicles through every day, it makes sense to dedicate a lane for residents who don't want to park in their garages.  With real estate soaring as fast as a Masonic commuter, these garages serve a critical need for storage lockers.   People can then park in front of their garage with ease.  Leave street car lockers alone, Fix Masonic!  

Vehicles on the left will have to stop blocking their garages and actually park in them.  Also, ignore that crash it will be fixed with lighting and trees.  

Clean this shit up and park in here? Are you kidding me Fix Masonic?!

It makes sense to allow this arterial connection for speeding cars, but not at all for bike nuts.  Instead of removing car lockers and adding a cycle track to help slow down traffic, there's an brilliant alternative route for people on bikes to take. Sure, some may argue it's a little confusing, but everyone knows bikers like a challenge, and after a couple dozen times you'll get used to the ups and downs, rights and lefts, turn where the old oak tree used to be,  take a right where the school burned down.  You wouldn't get this kind of adventure  with a straight shot to your destination through Masonic.  Have fun, bikers!

It's so simple! It's like Rube Goldberg created a route just for you!

So there you have it, a complete fix without having to do much changing at all!  Sure, maybe a couple people have been maimed and killed on this freeway, but if someone was on top of a building plucking off a couple people each year, would anyone really try to find the cause and stop it? Of course not, you idiot.  Hats off, Save Masonic folks, you nailed it!

Fucking up Masonic Freeway = Certain Doom

Everyone knows that the Masonic Freeway works well for everyone who owns a car, and all the cyclists and pedestrians who avoid it.  But now the Walk Nuts at WalkSF.org are claiming that it's killing a couple of people every couple of years and occasionally maiming a person, and that's a big deal?  Everyone knows that people don't like to walk and this group is trying to push their agenda on a bunch of motorists that I so deeply care about.

But what's the real threat here?  If the Masonic plan goes through, it will unleash an Apocalyptic hell the likes of San Francisco has never seen before.  The Environment Impact Report foretells of this event when viewed in in a dark lit area that smells like ice cream and remorse.  It clearly states, "Changes to the Masonic Freeway Plan would result in a significant and unavoidable apocalyptic impacts." But wait, it gets worse, check out these numbers.

WalkSF goofballs suggest the following changes for the Freeway:

- A road diet, removing lanes to narrow the street and reduce speeding
- A tree-planted median; the trees will visually narrow the street
- Expanded sidewalks (bulb-outs) at corners and bus stops to shorten crossings and increase visibility
- More visible crosswalks to improve pedestrian visibility and encourage yielding
- Separate cycle tracks to provide a buffer between cars and pedestrians

These kinds of outlandish changes will undoubtedly fuck up traffic so much it will cause an event of cataclysmic proportions.

 

Current Masonic Freeway Structure: Notice the luxurious 6 extra wide lanes of traffic, lack of median, and a light system perfect for speeds up to, and exceeding, 40 mph.  Fuck yeah!

The proposed changes, as foretold by the EIR, the Masonic Boulevard will look exactly like this.

Notice the Boulevard is a heaping pile of wreckage and hell fire, due to bulb-outs, tree planting, and other amenities to calm traffic down to a paltry 25 mph. 

Not only will the Walk Nuts get their ridiculous requests, but the bike crazies will too!  The new bicycle amenities may seem like a good idea at first, but the EIR and these facts and figures tell otherwise. 

The EIR shows that bicycle traffic will increase 1000 fold, thus bringing in a Critical Mass never witnessed before, and usher in the next zombie Apocalypse.

Masonic Boulevard will have thousands upon thousands of bikers, in addition to the Walk Nuts. 

Once bicycles reach saturation point, the dead will become reanimated and roam the boulevard in search of tender flesh. 

And finally, if the Boulevard plan is implemented, the long dormant volcano under Lone Mountain will erupt and decimate the Boulevard along with most of San Francisco.

Picture taken in Hawaii when the community created Manalikarai Boulevard.  This WILL happen to Masonic if the EIR isn't followed (and worshipped)

Listen to a citizen that has your best interests at heart, and understands that you're too stupid to realize you're being hoodwinked by a group of Walk Nuts.  Ditch the Boulevard plan so that tens of thousands of strangers can tear through your neighborhood and park on their couch a little earlier.