Last Chance to go Speedin' up and Down Masonic Before They Screw it up!

Dear motorists, despite all our efforts to "Save Masonic", the countless flyers filled with exclamations(!!!), bold lettering, and RAGE CAPS, we have lost a battle in the perverbial ~War on Cars~.  The Masonic Avenue redesign is only a few days away.  It's now a time of mourning, and to enjoy the last few days of this perfect Avenue, born out of an intense love of freeways and parking lots.  Get your fill of free arterial on-street parking, and watch your "high scores" on the radar speed sign while you race back and forth between Oak and Bush without even the slightest worry that there's law enforcement near.

Elmer Snodgrass, neighborhood parking activist, bemoaned, "You knows that once they start this so-called 'improvement project' that traffic is gonna be gridlock.  I'm thinkin' about movin' to San Jose.  I hear they got it good down there with wide roads, loads of free parkin' for ya' and there's ain't stupid pedestrians wanting to walk all out in the road all of the time. 

Used to be a time here when the mayor and the MTA cared about people and cars. Not no more. Now they just care about 'safety' and 'multi modal use' and other code words for stealin' from cars and drivers.  First they stealin' our parkin'.  Now they's puttin' in bike lanes that no one's ever gonna use.  I don't even see many bikers risking their lives biking down this suburban wonder.  It's just like the saying goes, 'you don't go building bridges until you see people swimming across shark infested waters.'"

Ellis Hendrickson screamed, "theres's a perfectly fine bike alternative that non-biking people whipped up.  Bikers just need to go through the Baker Street sharrows and dooring lanes, hit several stop signs along the way, climb a major hill while the bike lanes disappear in favor of angled parking.  Then Cross six lanes of Turk street highway, continue to climb up the hill until it plateaus, then ride down a steep hill without any bike lanes, pray that you don't get hit by cars exiting the garages, and on-street parking.  Take a right turn and continue down a steep hill, more stop signs, hang a left and continue to spiral down through moving and parked cars, continue across Geary's eight lanes of traffic, then go on the left side of Baker for some reason, hang another left at the stop sigh and go back up Post Street's steep hills.  Oh, and then hang a right on Presidio's non existent bike lanes.  Now isn't that much easier than just biking straight through Masonic Avenue?!"  When asked if motorists should use that route she exclaimed, "that's a burden no motorist should ever have to bear."

Despite all this common sense from people who don't want their motoring way of live altered in any way whatsoever, the city is still bent on creating an "active transport" hellscape on Masonic Avenue. It's hard to imagine anyone will continue to live on this street for much longer, given the lack of arterial on-street parking.  In the meantime, go out there and enjoy the glory days of the 50's before they screw it up!

Deemed "controversial" because only a lot of it goes to cars.

Masonic Drivers to SFMTA - "Don't Fix Masonic We'll Try to Behave Ourselves!"

"Oops sorry about that I'll wait for you next time I promise!"

When you walk down Masonic and hear the screeching of cars, the honking horns, the clogged intersections, and you probably think to yourself, "wow that's a highly effective neighborhood highway avenue!"  Well, not everyone seems to think so.  After 5 years of public outcry, SFMTA workshops,  multiple articles in the news, a couple of deaths, unanimous Supervisor support and full funding, the city is ready to undue this marvel of car-centric engineering with a complete redesign of the street.  Some Masonic drivers that actually happen to live in the city are outraged and say there's no need for pedestrian safety improvements and calming measures when they can simply promise to be nicer.

"Oh Geez I'm sorry *polite hand wave*

"Oops go ahead I'll probably let you go through before I step on the gas"

Save(ParkingandSpeedingon)Masonic has tried their best to thwart these plans by coming in super late to the game to save parking on this beautiful virtual highway.  They know that the key to great urban planning was solidified in the 50s and a 3 lane traffic corridor with excessive speeds and on-street parking is the best thing a neighborhood and city needs.  They even had cute cuddly 8 year old children write up a sign for them to no avail.

"We'll get it down to the lower/mid 30's I mean come on let's be serious here!"

Now the drivers freely admit to using this highway-like corridor, well, like a highway.  They are pleading with the public and SFMTA to leave it the way it is and they'll try to behave themselves.  They promise to:

• Try not to block pedestrian crossing most of the time.
• Attempt to stay around 30 miles an hour.
• Really try hard not to take a left turn during commute times.
• Magically look through parked cars when taking a fast sharp right turn off Masonic.  
• Resist the urge to blast through red lights.  
• Take sharp U-turns when absolutely necessary.  
• Pretend like the street belongs to others too.  

"Whoops sorry my bad!"

"Sorry pedestrian just wait a second I might kill you I'll do better next time scout's honor! " 

Barry Hadly remarks, "Ok we admit that we speed a little and clog the pedestrian crosswalks and take crazy fast turns, but please leave this traffic sewer as it is and we promise we'll try to be better."  This kind of honor system is sure to have a more positive effect than installing a median, a cycle track, removing parking from a major transit corridor, and installing a stupid bike lane that most San Franciscans favor.

So to anyone that walks, bikes or lives in the neighborhood, the drivers on Masonic Avenue will try not to dominate and harass you on the street any longer, and fast reckless driving is probably a thing of the past.  Now get rid of that pesky safety improvement redesign plan and let's all get ice cream!

Its a residential area, of course we'll drive the speed limit, from now on!

Save Masonic Group Missed Six Years of Community Meetings - Claims "We Thought it was a Freeway"

"It looks so much like a freeway we didn't think to attend a meeting about an Avenue."  
picture on the left here. picture on the right found here.  

The folks at Save(Parking and Speeding on)Masonic  are outraged over the recent approved plans to redesign Masonic Avenue.  Even though in the last five years, 122 people have been injured and two people killed, just on 2/3 of a mile of Masonic, the group fervently believe this safety claim is bogus.  But their biggest issue is that they were not notified about the changes over the last six years, somehow.

Many of them simply didn't believe Masonic was a Avenue.  Glenda Delli exclaimed, "I always thought Masonic was a freeway with tons of free parking.  They should have done a better job of letting us know about this.  Keep this Freeway, I mean Avenue, alone!!!"

"We thought this speed limit sign was a joke"
Image found here. 

Save (Parking and Speeding) on Masonic feel they were bamboozled and the SFMTA owes them an explanation.  Matt Thomas said, "Look at all those cars going above 40 miles an hour, some even hitting 60.  Why would anyone in the neighborhood think this was an Avenue?"

SPASOM spokesman said, "tons of people speed through this corridor every day and they weren't given any way to vote on this.  Democracy is the only way to ever change a corridor.  Why should the SFMTA have the right to make these changes?"  When thousands of Masonic commuters were asked for comment, they just blasted by honking their horns encouraging others to go faster.

"Three lanes of car traffic in both directions going 50 miles an hour is NOT an Avenue.  SAVE IT!!!"

When SPASOM was asked why they thought an important corridor with tons of rushing cars would have parking on both sides, they stopped for a moment and replied, "go to hell."

Eight Year Olds Against Fix Masonic Plans





Linguist determined the note was written by Eight year olds - "What was really puzzling is why 8 year old children would be against the Fix Masonic plan to begin with, since none of them can even drive a car."

After years of community outreach, organizing and planning, dating all the way back to 2005 when the Masonic street redesign was incorporated into the foolish SF bicycle plan, some flyers started cropping up on the Masonic Freeway, which prompted some parents to find out which child of theirs whipped up the grammatically challenged, rage cap laden tirade. Eventually, with the help of a linguist who specializes in primitive texts, they realized this was undoubtedly written by a group of eight year old children.   After this discovery, she commented, "One can only guess why they never received any word of corridor improvement plans. The little tykes probably never knew about the community outreach because they were either in school, or they weren't even born."

One of the parents, Vanessa Buyers, said,  "Once I saw the last 'sentence' reading 'Let them know they'll be uneployed come next election' I knew it was Billy.  We've been trying to get him to spell that word correctly for months now." Eventually they discovered it was the work of Billy and five of his "Besties". 

 

Parents of these scrappy little NIMBYs were outraged to find out their kids were maniacally invoking their civic rights, and so poorly.   Mainly the parents were upset because their children were not allowed to go out of the house after dark to post flyers or "Go anywhere near that Masonic death hole".  Three of the "Masonic Gang of Six" were grounded for a month and the others lost their iPad privileges for a week. 



The "Masonic Gange of Six" vows to "Don't Giveup Withowt a Fite"

But the kids are more determined than ever to ensure that this corridor stick to 1950's standards.  When asked why there were so vehemently against creating a corridor that everyone could enjoy and feel safe, the group replied, "SHUT UP THAT'S WHY!!! JUST SHUT UP YOU IDIOT!!!"

 

Fix Masonic, Yes! By Changing it? No!

Fix it, hell yes!  But change it in any way? Efff no!

Bike and walk nuts have been complaining about the Masonic Freeway for years, as it provides a gratuitous single vehicle drive that the likes of San Francisco has never seen.  With its luxurious 3 lane roadways and lack of pedestrian amenities, you can blast through this corridor in seconds flat!  So now, of course, Fix Masonic people want to remove this Freeway from their neighborhood.  Well, the good people at "Save Masonic" have a better way of fixing the freeway and avoiding certain doom, without even changing it!    

They suggest the following to remedy any issues anyone has been having with this freeway.  

"More trees can be planted along the sidewalk, lighting can be improved and bus shelters added"

This kind of solution would only cost about 500 dollars.  All road scientists know that more trees on the sidewalk make everything more better.

This crash involving two speeding cars would have been averted had there been more trees on Masonic's sidewalk. 

Lights also make things way better on a residential freeway.  It allows people to see when a car is speeding at you through a red light, taking an immediate U-turn, or taking a right turn at 20 miles an hour.  Pedestrians would have a much easier time getting the hell out of the way and seeking shelter behind a tree.

Where are all the lights?  This could have been avoided!  

Since the Masonic Freeway sends a ton of single rider vehicles through every day, it makes sense to dedicate a lane for residents who don't want to park in their garages.  With real estate soaring as fast as a Masonic commuter, these garages serve a critical need for storage lockers.   People can then park in front of their garage with ease.  Leave street car lockers alone, Fix Masonic!  

Vehicles on the left will have to stop blocking their garages and actually park in them.  Also, ignore that crash it will be fixed with lighting and trees.  

Clean this shit up and park in here? Are you kidding me Fix Masonic?!

It makes sense to allow this arterial connection for speeding cars, but not at all for bike nuts.  Instead of removing car lockers and adding a cycle track to help slow down traffic, there's an brilliant alternative route for people on bikes to take. Sure, some may argue it's a little confusing, but everyone knows bikers like a challenge, and after a couple dozen times you'll get used to the ups and downs, rights and lefts, turn where the old oak tree used to be,  take a right where the school burned down.  You wouldn't get this kind of adventure  with a straight shot to your destination through Masonic.  Have fun, bikers!

It's so simple! It's like Rube Goldberg created a route just for you!

So there you have it, a complete fix without having to do much changing at all!  Sure, maybe a couple people have been maimed and killed on this freeway, but if someone was on top of a building plucking off a couple people each year, would anyone really try to find the cause and stop it? Of course not, you idiot.  Hats off, Save Masonic folks, you nailed it!