SF Carnicle Reports 19,000 Bicyclist Inflicted Deaths; City Panics & Internet Explodes

A San Francisco Carnicle article sent shock-waves across the Internet, and brought along a barrage of outrage from the SF community, all the way to City Hall.  The news week started off like most, until one after another, articles depicting horrendous bike destruction swept across the Bay Area.  At least a dozen bike inflicted injuries were reported in less than one week.  They included:

Aug 22: The San Francisco Police Department is seeking witnesses to a Mission Street hit-and-run that critically injured a 24-year-old woman.  The biker kept going north on Mission following the collision, an SFPD spokesperson says. Neither the biker nor the bike have been identified or found as of Monday morning.

Aug 24: A pedestrian was critically injured from a hit-and-run biker in San Francisco’s Bernal Heights neighborhood Saturday night.

Aug 26: An elderly man was hit Tuesday morning by a speeding biker and then run over as the biker reportedly tried to flee before being stopped by a crowd of onlookers on 6th Street, according to witnesses.  That same day a San Francisco motorcycle police officer was struck by a silver bike on his way to help out the previous accident about two blocks away.  The two bike induced collisions happened within 10 minutes of each other.

Aug 27: A fire started Santa Clara as investigators found that a bike struck the gas line on the north side of the strip mall and fled the scene.

Just one of many tragedies reported, caused by reckless bikers in one week.
image found here. 

The Carnicle discovered this was just the tip of the iceberg.  A report from the National Safety Council reported that nearly 19,000 people were killed as a result of bicycle related crashes between January and June of 2015, nearly 100 deaths caused by bikers each day.  In addition to the astronomical amount of biker inflicted deaths, there were nearly 2.3 million “serious injuries."  The estimated costs of these bike related crashes, including medical expenses, wage and productivity losses and property damage, topped $152 billion.  California alone had a share of at least 700 pedestrians losing their lives due to bicyclists in 2014.

The Internet exploded over this new, "horrendous", news.

"I always knew those ENTITLED bikers with those killing machines would eventually lead to this.  It's high time we crack down and ban bikes from the road completely"

"This is what you get when you start devoting space to bicycles.  Time to rethink if we really want these destructive vehicles on our roads anymore."

"If these casulaties aren't a wake-up call, then I don't know what is.  How can we as a society, in good conscience, let these reckless cyclists continue their murderous rampage through our city?  We have vulnerable children and elderly that need protection.  One life is one too many."

Thousands of citizens not willing to wait for the government to stop the "bike pandemic that's sweeping the nation"
image found here

Several groups of people took it upon themselves to rip out bike bike racks and paint over the few bike sharrows scattered across the city.  Hundreds flocked outside the San Francisco Bike Coalition asking them disband completely or they would burn down the building "for the good of humanity."

When Mayor Lee heard of the news, he issued an executive order to halt construction of the two bike lanes in the city, and tear up the dozen that already exist.  In an emergency town hall, Lee spoke to hundreds of panicked citizens, "We can't sit idly by when dozen's of people will lose their lives to reckless biking each year.  We must take bold, drastic steps to curb this threat to public safety immediately."  Lee also demanded that the SFPD devote as much time and resources as possible to prevent the "tragic and senseless consequences of reckless bike behavior."

"The death and destruction caused by bikes will not be tolerated, even if it takes putting every one of those godforsaken, bloodthirsty bikers behind bars."
image found here

Hatred and anger for bikers reverberated throughout the city, until the following week, when the Carnicle issued a retraction on the last page of their paper:

"We apologize for last week's error.  We inadvertently replaced "motor vehicle" with "bicycle" in last week's stories.  The high injury and death count was nothing more than typical vehicle "accidents".  We deeply regret the alarm and distress we may have caused by this error.  We repeat, there is no epidemic and there is no cause for alarm."

As the news slowly spread through the Internet, panic and worry subsided.  Mayor Lee, in a statement, said "we can all breath a collective sigh of relief knowing that our reasons for panicking were unmerited."  San Francisco residents rejoiced and left their houses again, flush with the knowledge their city was exactly how it should be.  The SFPD said they would continue to crack down on bicyclists "just in case".

"We'll put this back in, someday"
image found here.

Back To School: City Aims to Clear Conscience on Children's Street Safety

It's that time of year when parents send their children back to school and pray their kids can traverse the car dominated streets they've bestowed on them, unscathed.  Fortunately, the city has come up with some things to make themselves feel better, since speed limits, crosswalks, lights/signs and actually witnessing children on the streets just doesn't cut it.

And while motor vehicle crashes remains the leading cause of death among young children in the country, and driver distraction is at an all time high, the city will remain committed to safetyesque things while allowing unfettered street access to motorists.  The city police also threw out a bone, saying they will "be writing tickets to try and prevent disaster" a statement which is sure to comfort parents who have witnessed the driving habits of San Francisco motorists every day.

San Francisco "steps up" enforcement, because seeing vulnerable children on the street isn't enough to stop motorists from speeding, ignoring crosswalks and stop signs.
Image found here.

In addition to all the existing laws in place that have been around since the inception of the motorized vehicle, there will be at least 193 crossing guards staffing 187 corners at 95 schools citywide. Though there's little data on whether or not crossing guards do much to save the lives of our most vulnerable people on the streets, the tradition will continue.  One concerned resident said, "Whatever we can do to to make ourselves feel better that we're making a difference in the lives of children" and then sped off in her SUV while sending a "#SFsafetyfirst" tweet.

People with no actual power to enforce laws, stand by children with high-viz vest and stop signs in hopes of squeezing out some measure of humanity from motorists.
image found here.

Even Mayor Lee has gotten into pandering safety in the midst of car dominance, saying, "Drivers need to be more aware of traveling at safe and appropriate speeds, especially near schools where children learn and play,"  The Mayor plans on saying other nice fluffy things until statistics catch up and a life is lost, in which case he'll reiterate the same thing only in a much sadder tone.  In additional saying nice things, the city also plans on telling children how to maybe be safer by staying in "magical paint" and watching the light turn green and waiting 2-3 seconds for cars to pass, then weaving around cars in the crosswalks.

As cars zigzagged around one of the crossing guards, he said, "We're doing the best we can, and that's really all we can hope for.  I mean do you really expect people to drive reasonably knowing that our most precious resources are crossing the streets of San Francisco?  How ridiculous would that be?" as he chuckled to himself, with a visible tear in his right eye.

Signs like this will be all over SF to help people feel better about the city they created for their children.
image found here.

SFMTA Board of Directors Nearly Mistook San Francisco for a City at Polk Street Meeting

SFMTA Board of Directors hearing crazy stories about the 85% of people who get to Polk Street without a two ton machine that runs on dinosaur juice.
image via Fitz The Reporter

On March 3rd at City Hall, the Board of Directors were rattled when they had to face the idea that San Francisco might not be a sprawling suburb.  Mayor Lee's political buffer was tasked with deciding if one street, in all of San Francisco, wouldn't have car storage.  As citizens weighed in on the plan for the 8 millionth time in 3 years, the Board of Directors got mixed signals that perhaps, just perhaps, San Francisco was actually a compact pedestrian-rich, multimodal city.

SF Board of Directors passed a "Bike Improvements" that any suburb would be moderately proud of!
image found here.  

What started as a complete Vision Zero style street with buffered bike lanes and priorities to movement other than cars, it soon devolved into a bike plan suburbia could find appealing. The Board of Directors heard horror stories that people might lose their way of life if forced to park on the 99.999999% of other street in SF that have car storage.

One person complained,"I'm too obese to bike" and went on to say that her husband also can't walk but oddly can't get a disability placard. There was also a concern for the elderly and other groups of people who should control tons of metal at high speed but are incapable of walking 2 blocks or taking the bus.  The Board of Directors sympathized for those who lived in the compact city of San Francisco, but couldn't operate outside of the single driver and parking paradigm.

“I’m not saying other things aren't important, because clearly they are — safety is paramount,”said Gwyneth Borden ,"but we cannot forget what makes San Francisco San Suburbcisco —slogs of parking on the roads and tons of motorist traffic.”
Gwyneth Borden. Image: SFGovTV

The Board of Directors fulfilled their duty as a political buffer between Mayor Lee and the public continued to listen for four hours.  They made sure to be silent for a few seconds when a death or injury was mentioned and then quickly moved back to parking concerns.  They knew they could could take comfort in the fact that the mayor had already made backroom deals with many of the merchants, thus solidifying a bike plan on the simple premise that parking belongs on every single street of San Suburbscisco.  Fortunately, the initial bike plan was whittled away by a favor to his optometrist who got one free block of bike lane removal. His gardener also gets to veto one of the crosswalks, and his mustache groomer received six blocks at a 55 mph speed limit.

Ultimately the Board of Directors approved a "Solomon Solution"which strikes a balance between the people getting hurt and killed on the street with the convenience of those doing the maiming.  Once the plan was approved, the Board of Directors jumped in their private automobiles and skidded back home, congratulating themselves on a job that any car dependent suburb would be proud of.

What do these streets in Portland, New York, Seattle all have in common?  They're things you'll never see on Polk Street.

Want Better Transit Options in Your City? It's Simple! Just be the Mayor!

Whenever you're stuck on a cramped bus, you're looking for a parking space, or you're bike lane is sub-par, remember it can be a lot better.  You just need to be a mayor!  Mayors get a ton of perks you may not have  considered, one of which is better transit.  Sure, you might have to bike to work once a year, or take the bus now and then for a photo-op, but fear not.  You'll probably have your own private car paid for by the city, and even your own chauffeur.  You know, because you're super important and can't operate the way regular people do in the city.  You're the major and you made a lot of crazy wild promises to get there, so treat yourself right!

As Mayor you might have to bike once a year, but the rest of the time you can text and drive.  Is anyone going to indict a mayor when you own the police department?  *wink
image found here and here.  

But the perks don't stop there!  You'll also have the opportunity to park wherever the hell you want!  Park in crosswalks, bus stops, and even in traffic lanes!  Worried you'll get a ticket?  Well even if you do just use your mayoral might and have the ticket person reprimanded and also as an added bonus, have the tickets magically whisked away with your mayoral wand!

Crosswalks are for little people, and mayoral parking.  Going to do something about it?  Didn't think so!
image found here.

Even if you don't live in the Bay Area you're sure to enjoy many of these perks.  Some deputy members even enjoy the perks of drunk driving on occasion.  You can even yell at bikers and tell them to get the hell off your road.  If you're up in Toronto you can even pantomime drunk driving when you're at your job like Rob Ford.  Be free to mix and match, be creative.  After all, you're the goddamn mayor!

Mayor Lee leaving a photo-op and jumping out of the Gross People's Cab for dear life!
image found here.  

Best of all, you're removed from all the headaches of plebeian transport.  Your car-centric view of transportation will make city transit decisions far easier.  You can repeal parking fees on Sundays since you empathize with motorists.  You can also rescind support for a local VLF tax to support transportation funding your own task-force approved.  How about punish any Supervisor that tries to increase funding using general funds.  Sure, maybe this will lead to some horrible transportation choices for idiots that don't own a private vehicle.  Don't worry though, since you're the mayor you'll never be forced to eat your own dog food.

"Bicycles are pain in my fat car driving ass"

SF Motorists Rejoice While Driving Around Longer, Angrier, For FREE SUNDAY PARKING!

The motorists of San Francisco have a lot more to rejoice about on Sundays, because they'll now be able to drive around longer looking for FREE parking.  People who find parking can now leave their car parked all day as well without ever having to move it. What could possibly go wrong!?

Great news!  You can now circle around downtown SF for free parking on Sundays!
image found here

Gloria Sanderson exclaims, "It took me over 20 minutes to find parking, but I saved a couple of bucks that I would have normally spent on transit, or treating myself to an ice cream after a bike ride into downtown.  There's no way I'm giving up this spot all day after what I went through to earn it."

Why just pay for parking when you can circle around for 10 minutes and maybe find  free parking?
Image found here.

Mayor Lee's Task force came up with the idea of Sunday metering to help with congestion and also make other forms of transportation more palatable.  It would also shore up more money for the underfunded SFMTA, which needs at least 3 billion dollars to upgrade the aging infrastructure.  But then Mayor Lee pushed to remove Sunday parking, for, reasons...  He then sent a press release congratulating himself on repealing the idea that he and his team came up in the first place.  Great Job Lee!

Meanwhile, Muni will increase 25 cents to 2.25, even on Sundays.  But don't worry, parking will remain FREE to anyone who can find it!

Waiting around for free stuff always is a good idea.
image found here.

Mayor Lee's Parking Excuse - "In Case He Needs to Bolt and Flip-Flop on Issues"

Mayor Lee's been in a lot of hot water recently because his personal chauffeur has parked his personal car in super convenient areas around the city.  Lee has largely remained quiet about it so far while he continues to work with the "best political minds in the city."   Now the Mayor's staff has come out with a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why he needs to parks in bus stops, traffic lanes, and crosswalks.

Mayor Lee's vehicle poised to abandon another idea created by his task force.
Image found here.  

Mayor Lee's spokesman explains, "It's a tactical move when the mayor might need to quickly bolt and flip-flop on an issue.  A perfect example of this was when Mayor Lee went to a SFMTA board meeting to repeal Sunday metering in order to garner support for the Vehicle License Fee Tax, and then quickly drove away to another event to withdraw his support for that very idea."

The Mayor stopping in crosswalk and blocking pedestrians so he can meet with great political minds
Photo: @terrapin_sf/Twitter

Other times the Mayor may need a really close parking spot in a bus stop to create a Task force to come up with innovative ways of funding neglected SFMTA infrastructure, and then dash away from the idea in his personal electric Chevy Volt.  "It's times like this when it's good his personal car is around to get him out of a sticky situation" said Lee's spokesman while rolling her eyes.

Mayor Lee parking in a Bus Stop to show solidarity for the missing service the Sunday metering repeal created.  (Eventually his driver moved to a safer crosswalk)
Photo: David Black

They also said that Mayor Lee will certainly admonish the driver who made his life a heck of a lot easier than what most people in San Francisco experience when taking Muni, or motorists who drive around trying to find parking in congested areas.   She also looked over towards Oakland and said, "at least OUR mayor didn't text and drive, crash into a motorist, and then fail to give them proof of insurance".

Lee's “Be Nice, Look Twice” Campaign Matched With "Look Over Your Shoulder, and Carry a Boulder"

In 2013, there was a near-record high of 21 pedestrian fatalities and 4 cyclist fatalities in San Francisco.  Mayor Lee announced his "Be Nice, Look Twice" campaign and he's received a lot of criticism for "pedestrian and cyclist blaming".  Shortly after, his advisers whipped up an equally worthy campaign, "Look Over Your Shoulder, and Carry a Boulder".

Preparing to walk through SF!
image found here.

"We know that pedestrians are the most vulnerable to cars, but they need to understand that people need to get from point A to B as quickly as possible, and even though they're driving a 2 ton vehicle with the potential for a high velocity collision, the pedestrian can be just as much to blame." said Lee's spokesman. He followed up with, "Cars are responsible for 66% of the accidents in the city, and that's why we we're trying to equal the playing field with cars, and encourage pedestrians to carry a boulder whenever possible".

Pedestrian hiding behind a boulder for dear life.
image found here

The boulder rules are similar to driving a car in the city.  As long as you don't intend on hurting anyone by carrying a boulder around, you won't be held accountable for any accidents.  Pedestrians are assured if they hurl a boulder into the middle of an intersection, so long as they weren't targeting anyone in particular it will be considered an inevitable fact of life in the city.

"Only two of the drivers responsible for fatalities faced any consequences, and the same will apply to boulder wielding pedestrians.
Image found here. 

Pedestrian Strategy in SF - Untold Casualties and Repercussions Await

In the last month Mayor Lee has decided to enact some of the most far reaching and outlandish pedestrian safety initiatives in decades.

Upgrading 44 miles of streets where injuries are most concentrated, 5 miles per year through 2021;

Giving pedestrians extra crossing time at 800 intersections citywide, at least 160 annually;

Improving safety around schools and senior centers with high pedestrian injury ;

Upgrading 13,000 curb ramps in the next 10 years; and

Targeting police enforcement efforts on the City’s most hazardous corridors and intersections.

Fatalities just waiting to happen....

It's this kind of "anti-car" mentality that will undoubtedly destroy this fair city.  Everyone know that tourists flock to San Francisco so they can explore their god given right to operate a vehicle in a city approx 50 square miles. Not only that, but as this city grows, we're going to need more parking spots, bigger, more spacious roads, and less amenities for foolish things like walking or biking.

But there are unintended consequences to such a walknut mentality.  What happens when people start ditching their vehicles with unfettered access and infrastructure that encourages walking and biking more?  What kind of fresh hell will we unleash when pedestrians and bikers have better access to the infrastructure in place?  Here's what you're about to see SF...

Smug Pedestrians will cause numerous traffic accidents with their fast walking speeds and blatant disregard for safety.

The average adult walks about 3.1 miles per hour, but what happens when wider infrastructure is in place?  Just how fast will these walk nuts go?  Although there's no EIR, I'm sure we'll be seeing headlines like this in the upcoming years"

But this kind of wanton destruction isn't reserved for walkers.  The bikers that currently get a whopping .8 percent of dedicated space on the road, and the SFMTA squanders .46 percent on bike infrastructure.  Imagine what might happen if these bikers get 1%?!  Bikers, with their average speeds of 13-15 mph would turn into speed crazed lunatics!

This kind of anti-car policy is going to lead us over the edge.  If we start to allow more pedestrian and bicycle amenities, they will undoubtedly want more and more space, and will stop at nothing to remove even an inch for their selfish gain.  Their disregard for safety will be unparalleled.  What's next, will they expect vehicles to give any of their precious 320,000 parking spaces in the city?  At some point will there be a street or two exclusively for pedestrian and bicycle traffic? It's only a matter of time until we see these hellish headlines materialize.