Turning Screams & Streets Into Parking Lots - SFMTA's Cramologists in Action

Parking abounds in San Francisco, and each clod of parking is like a beautiful snowflake, unique and beautiful in its own way.  As you meander around all these idling metal beasts, you may ask yourself, "who crammed all this beautiful parking, everywhere?"  Well, wonder no more, my friends. The SFMTA actually has a team of Cramologists who design all the on-street parking you see today. Car storage isn't placed willy nilly.  It's based on a science that analyzes the blood curdling motorist screams for parking and blends it with the geometry of San Francisco's extra wide streets.

Cramologists painstakingly calculate the tantrums of adults and turn it into parking 

San Francisco goes to great lengths to ensure just the right amount of cramming happens on our streets.  "Our employees can't just slather cars all over the urban landscape without proper training.  A person has to go through 8 years of study to earn a PhD in Cramology before they can even put one car on the street.  They have to spend years observing child tantrums and constant whining before they truly get a sense of where to place cars.  Once graduated, they'll be ready to jam as many metal boxes on the streets as possible.  Sometimes it's almost enough to pacify the average asphalt hungry motorist."

Seasoned Cramologists develop all kinds of craming techniques, from on-street parking on arterial streets,  90 degree, back angled parking, all the way to the parking right up to the corner of 4 way stop signs!  "When we stop hearing a few screams and threats, we know we've done our job well." said one teary eyed Junior Cramologist.

Don't worry everyone, there's a "Vision Zero" logo in the corner so you know the parking they cram all over this neighborhood will be super safe! ~Cramology in Action~
image found here.

Cramology is a body science that's constantly evolving.  They're always finding new ways to jam more combustible boxes onto the streets.  The L Taraval Project takes Cramology to an entirely new level, due to the screams of neighborhood motorists who have absolutely no regard for human life.  One Senior Cramologist created what he considers a "bus island" made out of parked cars, crosshatch paint, and a little hope and prayer.  "It's sure to be a hit!" he exclaimed, then looked down at the floor, and started to sob.

Cramology - the science of blending car storage & screams.

L Taraval Project: "Vision: Zero Loss of Parking"

Based on community screams, the SFMTA managed to save all the parking and create "bus shelters" out of paint, parked cars, and the broken promise of enforcement along the L Taraval corridor.
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The SFMTA presented on the L Taraval project, a plan to address the needs of 29,000 daily riders with bus bulb-outs, transit lanes, and all other kinds of things that were booed and hissed by a parking obsessed audience.  One SFMTA representative told the fiery group that Taraval Street is one of San Francisco’s most dangerous corridors, which the audience promptly replied with eye-rolls, indignant looks, and a single muffled cough.

SFMTA representative, wet from rain, tears, or fright.
image found here.

Even though the SFMTA told them the project adds 13 to 40 parking spaces, a ravenous audience member screamed “You’re still ruining it for those merchants!” noting that parking has to be right in front of the business because no one should be forced the indignity of walking. When the SFMTA representative tried to explain that 22 people were hit while walking to the trains, the audience screamed “doesn’t seem like that many!"

Supervisor Katy Tang introduces herself to the group before she sits down and listens to her constituents devalue human life and demand space to store their personal property. 
image found here

Despite all the screams from a few merchants and residents who abhor safe bipedal movement, the project will move forward as a pilot.  The SFMTA said they would look into the ideas presented by people who value the immobility of their car above human life.   None of the precious parking will be moved at four of the five business-located stops.  Instead, the SFMTA will paint white cross-hatches and pray to whatever deity they believe in in the hopes that no train riders will perish.


Every "Vision Zero" project should result in a net gain to parking!
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Mark Farrell - Moving San Francisco Forward Into the 20th Century

“It boggles my mind when I take my kids to basketball on a Sunday and I’m still in a traffic jam”
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Mark Farrell, District 2 Supervisor, acknowledges that his beloved suburb is going through some "growing pains" but Mark knows that true leadership involves mitigating changes to a grinding halt through a process called "balance" & "community input".

From The Marina DoubleSpeak Times: "With our city’s population marching higher month after month, some of those growing pains are felt on our city streets in the form of traffic congestion, crowded Muni buses, and overflowing sidewalks with pedestrians. I firmly believe a responsive and accountable city government should and can impliment needed improvements to address problems. But the responses to the growing pains must take into account the reasonable concerns of the residents and neighborhoods affected."

After the SFMTA conducted a painstaking year-long study to address the needs of 28,000 daily bus riders along the 30 Stockton, one of the busiest routes in the city.  Through this data-driven study, they came up with a package of changes to increase pedestrian safety and speed up the bus.  But Mark, who takes the bus twice a year, knows these kinds of meaningful changes need to be properly weighed with the screams & tantrums of the residents.  He laments not having the authority to prevent these changes entirely, but promised to amplify the resident's lust for parking spaces over pedestrian safety & dedicated bus routes.

Chestnut Street "Character"
image c/o Henry

Mark sought "balance with the SFMTA" and clearly beat Ed Reiskin, the director of the SFMTA, into submission.  His priority was to ensure "the project would no longer involve the elimination of any parking spaces." by removing the following from the 30 Stockton plan.

• Traffic Signals 
• Transit Only Lane
• Bus bulbs  
• Turn pockets
• Anything Resembling Pedestrian Safety

The District 2 parking warrior also helped set the tone with the Polk Street Redesign. “When they presented the Polk Streetscape project, I saw diagrams that were totally car-free. I said, ‘Okay, then we need to build some parking garages.’ Getting around the city is more frustrating than ever in my lifetime, and everyone shares the blame — people bike, walk, and drive recklessly."  It's this kind of pedestrian & bicyclist shaming, grounded in reality, that clearly puts Mark ahead of the pack when it comes to street safety.

Who would be better suited for making ~balanced~ decisions on public transit than someone who took Muni twice during the 22 day Muni Challenge?

As Mark says, "the soul of San Francisco has always rested in our unique neighborhoods, and we cannot lose sight of their character as our city population continues to grow".  And that soul is filled with free on-street parking, slow buses, and speeding cars.  Thanks for all you do for San Suburbscisco, Mark Farrell!

And don't worry folks, Mark has plans to "Save" Lombard Street".

With Mark's help ~balancing~ priorities of safety, parking, parking and parking on Lombard, we can go from this, to this.
image c/o Kyle

Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Market Street Edition

For anyone who's foolishly walked down San Francisco's "iconic" Market street, they know it wasn't meant for pedestrians.  It was designed for hordes of combustible speeding metal boxes.  With the wide 3-5 car lanes intersecting at nearly every block, it's easy to realize if you're traversing by foot, you simply don't matter.

Fear not, pedestrian weirdo! Here are some simple tips to navigating Market street while using your legs like a sucker. 

Market Street wasn't designed for bipedal movement, silly.
image found here.

Step 1:  Wait until the space is de-criminalized to pedestrians.  

Wondering where this particular street is?  Let's just say it's at the cross street of Market & Everywhere Ave, or Market & Always Ave.  This is a minutely occurrence that you will just have to deal with, because the SFMTA sure as hell isn't.  You'll get your chance to legally cross for a few seconds just be patient.

Remember to wait your turn, pedestrians!  This space will be de-criminalized for a few seconds to let you scurry through in fear.

Step 2: You have the right-of-way, but does that really matter?  Of course not!  

The space might legally be yours now, but tell that to math and geometry.  The city was designed for these contraptions, not for legs.  You would be foolish to try and cross.  How about you just wait until the next rotation, buddy.

Downtown SF was designed for metal beasts, not squishy bipedal humans.  Just wait longer.

Step 3: Don't chance it.  Wait until the next signal.  

Another horde of motorists will blast through this luxurious autobahn yet again, so just wait a bit longer.  You might want to look around for a police officer, but most likely they're in a speeding metal box as well.  After all, this is a "Traffic first city."

Covering your nose and mouth won't save you from the daily exhaust and pollution created in our fair city.  

Step 4. Give up!

Your ability to cross Market street won't get any better.  Do you really want to risk crossing?  Why not just pack it up and go home?  Let that be a lesson to you.  You and your legs aren't wanted in downtown SF.

Hug your loved ones and watch the beautiful sea of cars on what is every cross street of Market.   Discuss what a foolish endeavor it was to try and navigate the downtown core by foot.  Then go home.

Don't worry though, there are traffic cops paid to sit by and watch you flirt with danger.

This Holiday Season MTA Reminds us to Tolerate Members of our "Transit Family"

The holiday season is upon us and cities across the country are reminding everyone to have compassion for their family this year, specifically those in their "transit family".  MTA spokesman said, "look everyone, we know vehicles may be loud, inconsiderate and reckless, but they have been part of our transit family for over a century.  At some point they'll take a swing at you, or belt out some insensitive racial slur. There will be tears and regret, but family is family, whether we like them or not." 


He's big, loud and going to break shit, but hey he's family and you can't abandon family on Christmas! 

Think of vehicles like that of a your selfish prick, Uncle Paul.  Every year you're in the middle of the holiday meal, basking in the glow of your loved ones and a meal that took all day to prepare when Uncle Paul barrels in, unannounced and unwelcomed yet again.  Doesn't he remember the fight you had about all that money he owes you for that pyramid scheme he roped you into?  Was he that blacked out when he backed into the Christmas tree, taking down your most prized ornaments and hope that 'this year will be different'? 

And yes, you don't want your grandparents or children anywhere near Uncle Paul aka "the swear uncle".  Remember when your niece Becky called him out for cheating at Monopoly?  Sure, he was totally in the wrong, but that didn't stop him from throwing his fist through the dry wall.  Do you really want to relive that nightmare again?  Just let him have his way, tell your children to avoid him, and maybe he wont horribly scar their childhood again.

Unavoidable facts of life.

Besides, Uncle Paul said that he's going to change, sometime around 2024 he's really going to get his act together.  You just have to give him time with his "Vision Zero F^ck Ups" plan, which is only about a decade away.  He's going to change, honest, so just shut up already!  So this holiday season, be sure to set a place for all those terrible members of your transit family, no matter how undeserving these ticking time bombs are. 

He's going to change, as soon as you lend him some money for his "eBay of revenge porn" business.

St. Paul Motorists Want Free Parking on Grand Avenue, and Free Ice Cream

Grand Avenue Business Association, known as "GABA", is upset over a proposal to install 525 parking meters along St. Paul, Minnesota's Grand Avenue.  Motorists are also upset with the proposal to take away their free ice cream, a treat they have enjoyed at no expense to people who arrive on Grand Avenue by car.

Motorists pay for vehicles, gas, tax, insurance, part of the roads, the services & products from Grand Avenue businesses, but why should they have to pay to park our car, or enjoy ice cream?
image found here.

A Grand Avenue Business Association survey found that 88 percent of businesses on the street are opposed to having to pay for their own ice cream.  Gary Stumpfield, longtime community whiner, said, "People have had free ice cream here ever since I can remember, so why should they ever have to pay for it?  We're angry, and we want ice cream, so give us our damn ice cream!"

 "We're an angry whiny crowd of people who want free stuff.  Look at us in the eyes when you're telling us we can't have free ice cream, you monsters!"
image found here

The plan, according to anecdotal evidence from news outlets, is opposed by ~many~ businesses and residents who say that meters & paying for ice cream will discourage shoppers and just push the demand for free ice cream into other surrounding areas.  People who get to Grand Avenue by taking public transportation, biking, or walking said it's not fair that motorists get free ice cream in the first place, while no one else does. "Let them pay for the wear & tear, and public safety upgrades for the street, as well as their own damn ice-cream.  Why do they think they're so special?"

They're just going to go to one of those other magical places where there's free ice cream for motorists.
image found here.  

Mayor Coleman announced the pay for parking & ice cream plan would draw in an estimated $800,000 for the city’s general fund.  “Making motorists pay for their parking, and sweet delicious treats is the fiscally responsible thing to do.” Kristin Beckmann said, “Minneapolis has 7,500 metered spaces and they all pay for their ice cream.  You do not see businesses going out of business because of lack of free ice cream.”  Beckmann spoke at a rally held Sunday by GABA to protest the plan with many adult children booing and throwing themselves on the ground in tantrums.  When asked why they thought they should continue to get free parking and ice-cream, one man-child replied, "because I'll hold my breath forever if you don't" and proceeded to turn purple.

"Why are you being so meeaaannn?!?"
image found here.

Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Part II

Has this ever happened to you?  You're foolishly using your legs like a sucker, walking down a sidewalk and you find yourself basking in the glory of a car parked on the sidewalk?  Well fear not, pathetic pedestrian.  Here are a few simple tips that can help in these situations.

How fortunate were you to be reminded about your foolish decision to walk on a sidewalk?!
image found here, courtesy of Patrick Traughber

Step 1: Don't get angry.  While a metallic marvel resting on a sidewalk might not be your cup of tea, it's a very low level offense in the eyes of the law.   Retaliation in any form, like causing permanent damage to the car, could be considered a felony.  Don't even think about it!  Come to think of it, you should write an apology note just for contemplating such a thing, you monster.

A nice little note will go a long way to mending the rift you caused.

Step 2: When you're done writing a pleasant, self-effacing note, delicately post it on the car.  Throw in a few bucks as well for their troubles!  After that, simply walk around that steel beauty on the street, ever so slightly bowing your head in reverence and shame.

 

You are, quite simply, the worst.
image found here

Step 3: Once you passed your combustible, metal superior, find the nearest police station and turn yourself in for jaywalking.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Walk over to the nearest SFPD station, like the Park(ing) Station Police Department and turn yourself in for being a filthy jaywalker.
image found here.

Having this kind of humility when it comes to traversing our city streets will go a long way to making  our cities better for motorists everyone.