Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Market Street Edition

For anyone who's foolishly walked down San Francisco's "iconic" Market street, they know it wasn't meant for pedestrians.  It was designed for hordes of combustible speeding metal boxes.  With the wide 3-5 car lanes intersecting at nearly every block, it's easy to realize if you're traversing by foot, you simply don't matter.

Fear not, pedestrian weirdo! Here are some simple tips to navigating Market street while using your legs like a sucker. 

Market Street wasn't designed for bipedal movement, silly.
image found here.

Step 1:  Wait until the space is de-criminalized to pedestrians.  

Wondering where this particular street is?  Let's just say it's at the cross street of Market & Everywhere Ave, or Market & Always Ave.  This is a minutely occurrence that you will just have to deal with, because the SFMTA sure as hell isn't.  You'll get your chance to legally cross for a few seconds just be patient.

Remember to wait your turn, pedestrians!  This space will be de-criminalized for a few seconds to let you scurry through in fear.

Step 2: You have the right-of-way, but does that really matter?  Of course not!  

The space might legally be yours now, but tell that to math and geometry.  The city was designed for these contraptions, not for legs.  You would be foolish to try and cross.  How about you just wait until the next rotation, buddy.

Downtown SF was designed for metal beasts, not squishy bipedal humans.  Just wait longer.

Step 3: Don't chance it.  Wait until the next signal.  

Another horde of motorists will blast through this luxurious autobahn yet again, so just wait a bit longer.  You might want to look around for a police officer, but most likely they're in a speeding metal box as well.  After all, this is a "Traffic first city."

Covering your nose and mouth won't save you from the daily exhaust and pollution created in our fair city.  

Step 4. Give up!

Your ability to cross Market street won't get any better.  Do you really want to risk crossing?  Why not just pack it up and go home?  Let that be a lesson to you.  You and your legs aren't wanted in downtown SF.

Hug your loved ones and watch the beautiful sea of cars on what is every cross street of Market.   Discuss what a foolish endeavor it was to try and navigate the downtown core by foot.  Then go home.

Don't worry though, there are traffic cops paid to sit by and watch you flirt with danger.

Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Part II

Has this ever happened to you?  You're foolishly using your legs like a sucker, walking down a sidewalk and you find yourself basking in the glory of a car parked on the sidewalk?  Well fear not, pathetic pedestrian.  Here are a few simple tips that can help in these situations.

How fortunate were you to be reminded about your foolish decision to walk on a sidewalk?!
image found here, courtesy of Patrick Traughber

Step 1: Don't get angry.  While a metallic marvel resting on a sidewalk might not be your cup of tea, it's a very low level offense in the eyes of the law.   Retaliation in any form, like causing permanent damage to the car, could be considered a felony.  Don't even think about it!  Come to think of it, you should write an apology note just for contemplating such a thing, you monster.

A nice little note will go a long way to mending the rift you caused.

Step 2: When you're done writing a pleasant, self-effacing note, delicately post it on the car.  Throw in a few bucks as well for their troubles!  After that, simply walk around that steel beauty on the street, ever so slightly bowing your head in reverence and shame.

 

You are, quite simply, the worst.
image found here

Step 3: Once you passed your combustible, metal superior, find the nearest police station and turn yourself in for jaywalking.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Walk over to the nearest SFPD station, like the Park(ing) Station Police Department and turn yourself in for being a filthy jaywalker.
image found here.

Having this kind of humility when it comes to traversing our city streets will go a long way to making  our cities better for motorists everyone.

Engineers Mandated to Run Famili ® Simulations on Street Designs

Street engineers have long been found to tip the scale in favor of cars over pedestrians, public transit and biking. In an effort to create more human friendly streets, cities have been forcing them to run simulations using family ® technology. 

Street engineers upload pictures of their loved ones into the Famili ® simulator to watch them navigate the streets they've created.
image found here  

"The software takes into account how many motorists text, speed and ignore stop signs & lights. It also takes into account maybe your child makes a mistake and assume the car is going to stop for them. All the data is in there," said -found the Jason Stakes. The engineer will spend hours watching cars weave in and around theire loved ones. The simulation will slow down to show them when, statistically, one of their loved ones will be mowed down because of the street design and the stark reality of motorist behavior.




DOT engineer watches a simulation of his father and three daughters crossing the street he recently designed. "It's really scary when you know 10-40% of  those motorists aren't paying attention "
Image found here

Because of Family ® technology, cities have seen a more holistic "Complete Streets" concept that incorporates more biking, public transit and road diets. Some of the engineers have left the workforce altogether claiming the Famili ® simulator is too stressful and impedes their ability to build stroads.  One Vision Zero championing mayor proclaimed,"When an engineer can come out of the simulation with dry eyes, we know we have a good design."




Cities are seeing more "complete streets" using famili ® technology
image found her and

A Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles

As anyone who walks around San Francisco, you know that cars dominate the 40% of city designed to move and store vehicles, and that means we all need to work together.  So here's a tip on how to get along flawlessly with almighty vehicle.  Let's take a simple example.

You're a worthless pedestrian approaching a 4-way stop and you're about to cross but a car is blocking your route.  You should:

1. Recognize that being a pedestrian inherently makes you wrong.

It's your fault you decided to use your legs like a sucker.
Image found here.

Cars are bigger and faster and no matter how much you think you're right, you're wrong.  Let them figure out what's best.

2. Let the big shots pass.

What are you going to do about it?  That's right weakling pedestrian, nothing.

3. Bow down and apologize profusely for even considering crossing the street before a car does.

Just a simple gesture will go a long way to making peace with a blessed vehicle blocking their crosswalk.
Image found here. 

4. As the beautiful vehicle passes, wave and blow them kisses. Thank them for allowing you to even come near their vehicle unscathed.

We love you so much you blessed monsters!
Image found here.  

And there you have it, a perfect way to share the road that you don't deserve, and pass vehicles in a safe and respectful manner. Try this out next time you're foolishly on the road as a stupid pedestrian. You'll be glad you did!