Thursday, August 18, 2016

After Decades of Law Breaking SFMTA Finally Pilots Double Parking

San Francisco is known as for innovation, and nothing could be more innovative than the SFMTA's latest pilot program which enshrines free Sunday double parking. "We're so excited this is finally happening!  After decades of completely disregarding the law, public safety or the movement of traffic, we're getting a double parking pilot!" said one motorist while abandoning his car in the middle of the street.

The SFMTA said it took a lot of hard work to make this happen. "First of all, we had to completely disregard the community process, because they voted it down 4 to 3.  It was deeply unpopular with the community, but we came up with some arbitrary need for 5 people to vote it down, not just a simple majority.  So we easily cleared that hurdle. The second part was to completely disregard the separation of church and state.  I mean we made it legal  near churches and on Sunday mornings, but it's totally not for church people or whatever.  It's just that easy!"

What the pilot will look like is anyone's guess, since the program hasn't been finalized and it's making something most cities consider an undesirable and dangerous practice a weekly occurrence.  "We'll just do what we usually do," said one SFMTA employee, "We'll distinguish between the legal double parking and illegal double parking.  People will start respecting the laws surrounding double parking once we have rules in place... even though the reason why we're doing this pilot because is because people broke the law in the first place.  We'll also rely heavily on 'enforcement,'" he said with a hearty laugh. 

Motorists are hoping the SFMTA will forgo other bike lane, pedestrian and public transit improvement to pilot other previously illegal and dangerous practices. "They could pilot blocking the crosswalk, blasting through red lights, or the time honored tradition of driving over the speed limit," tweeted one motorist while searching for double parking.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

SFMTA Ready to Experiment With People's Lives to Save Parking Along L Taraval

"We have statistical proof that motorists have little reverence to signs, paint, speeds or pedestrians, but hey it might happen right?" - SFMTA "Planner"
With any SFMTA project, be it adding a bike lane to Polk street or any pedestrian safety improvement, the question is, "how can we save all or add more parking?"  The L Taraval ~Improvement~ Project is no different.  The SFMTA is ready to experiment with the lives of people to satisfy the perceived need of parking on every square inch of an arterial street.

Such great features as "people walk into the streets hoping they don't die" and "parking saved"!
Ed Reiskin, the SFMTA's Politician of Transportation, said "we completely understand that Ninety-five percent of collisions have occurred as people were getting off the light rail, but I want to keep my job.  So we came up with an innovative paint and sign idea that saves parking, and retain our jobs as well.  It's a hell of a lot easier than conjuring up political will and leadership in this city.  Oh, and Vision Zero something something."

"We just want to see how many people will stop because of signs and paint, because they usually don't stop for signs and paint.
 image found here
"This kind of pilot is unprecedented, possibly because it's a crime against humanity," said one self proclaimed SFMTA Planner.  "You just don't see this kind of innovation anywhere else!  It's quite elegant really.  Only five people need to get severely injured before we add real bus islands to these areas.  Think of it as 'Vision 90 Percent'.  If we can prevent just one person from never experiencing the displeasure of searching for parking, we've really done our job."
"This kind of thing happens every day on our streets, but the L Taraval "Bus Islands" will totally probably be different!
image found here

L-Taraval Shitshow Public Hearing

City Hall
At this public hearing, members of the public can scream and complain about their loss of parking and demean human life on this latest proposal for the L-Taraval.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Last Chance to go Speedin' up and Down Masonic Before They Screw it up!

Dear motorists, despite all our efforts to "Save Masonic", the countless flyers filled with exclamations(!!!), bold lettering, and RAGE CAPS, we have lost a battle in the perverbial ~War on Cars~.  The Masonic Avenue redesign is only a few days away.  It's now a time of mourning, and to enjoy the last few days of this perfect Avenue, born out of an intense love of freeways and parking lots.  Get your fill of free arterial on-street parking, and watch your "high scores" on the radar speed sign while you race back and forth between Oak and Bush without even the slightest worry that there's law enforcement near.

Elmer Snodgrass, neighborhood parking activist, bemoaned, "You knows that once they start this so-called 'improvement project' that traffic is gonna be gridlock.  I'm thinkin' about movin' to San Jose.  I hear they got it good down there with wide roads, loads of free parkin' for ya' and there's ain't stupid pedestrians wanting to walk all out in the road all of the time. 

Used to be a time here when the mayor and the MTA cared about people and cars. Not no more. Now they just care about 'safety' and 'multi modal use' and other code words for stealin' from cars and drivers.  First they stealin' our parkin'.  Now they's puttin' in bike lanes that no one's ever gonna use.  I don't even see many bikers risking their lives biking down this suburban wonder.  It's just like the saying goes, 'you don't go building bridges until you see people swimming across shark infested waters.'"

Ellis Hendrickson screamed, "theres's a perfectly fine bike alternative that non-biking people whipped up.  Bikers just need to go through the Baker Street sharrows and dooring lanes, hit several stop signs along the way, climb a major hill while the bike lanes disappear in favor of angled parking.  Then Cross six lanes of Turk street highway, continue to climb up the hill until it plateaus, then ride down a steep hill without any bike lanes, pray that you don't get hit by cars exiting the garages, and on-street parking.  Take a right turn and continue down a steep hill, more stop signs, hang a left and continue to spiral down through moving and parked cars, continue across Geary's eight lanes of traffic, then go on the left side of Baker for some reason, hang another left at the stop sigh and go back up Post Street's steep hills.  Oh, and then hang a right on Presidio's non existent bike lanes.  Now isn't that much easier than just biking straight through Masonic Avenue?!"  When asked if motorists should use that route she exclaimed, "that's a burden no motorist should ever have to bear."

Despite all this common sense from people who don't want their motoring way of live altered in any way whatsoever, the city is still bent on creating an "active transport" hellscape on Masonic Avenue. It's hard to imagine anyone will continue to live on this street for much longer, given the lack of arterial on-street parking.  In the meantime, go out there and enjoy the glory days of the 50's before they screw it up!

Deemed "controversial" because only a lot of it goes to cars.

Friday, May 6, 2016

SF to Replace "Transit-First" with "Parking-First" Policy

It's been a banner year so far with SF Supervisors dismantling transit projects that have been decades in the making.  Marc Farrell helped dismantle 30 Stockton bus changes, as well as add parking back on Polk Street.  David Campos and John Avalos fueled the fires of hate for the red transit only lanes along Mission St by equating bus improvement with gentrification.  More recently, Katy Tang shut down the L Taraval safety plan to appease a few merchants and residents who prefer their parking to any pedestrian's life.  And we can't forget Mayor Lee and his brave work vetoing a "bike-yield" law that would treat bikes differently than a two ton speeding metal box.

"It's becoming more and more difficult to tout this whole 'Transit First" mantra while appeasing some of our merchants and car loving constituents.  So that's why we decided to modify the policy.  We do it with every transit project anyway, so this will save time and energy", said one supervisor.



(a) The following principles shall constitute the City and County’s parking-first policy and shall be incorporated into the General Plan of the City and County. All officers, boards, commissions, and departments shall implement these principles in conducting the City and County’s affairs:
1. To ensure quality of life and economic health in San Francisco, the primary objective of the transportation system must be the safe and efficient movement of people and goods, by private automobile.
2. The “Poor People’s Shame Cab”, including taxis and vanpools, is a pathetic and ridiculous alternative to glorious transportation by individual automobiles. Within San Francisco, travel by public transit, by bicycle and on foot must be an unappealing alternative to travel and storage of private automobiles.
3. Decisions regarding the use of limited public street and sidewalk space shall encourage the use of public rights of way by privately owned automobiles, and shall strive to reduce bicycle and pedestrian traffic and improve public car use and storage.

4. Transit priority improvements, such as designated transit lanes and streets and improved signalization, shall be halted at the whim of merchants, several motorists and pandering supervisors.
5. Pedestrian areas shall be enhanced wherever it doesn’t, in any way, impact a motorists ability to live out the dream promised in car commercials.
6. Bicycling shall be half-heartedly promoted by throwing some paint scraps on the streets to allow easy access for delivery trucks, especially UPS trucks.  SFPD Bicycle crackdowns are mandatory.
7. 20th century parking policies for areas well served by public transit shall remain priority by even a single screaming merchant to encourage travel by combustible metal boxes.
8. New transportation investment should be squandered to meet the demand for private suburban style transport.

9. The desire of the City and County to reduce traffic congestion depends upon their ability to get re-elected and get to and from their jobs.  The City and County shall promote the use of personal combustible metal boxes so long as it suits their personal and political needs.
10. The City and County shall encourage 20th century solutions to meet private combustible metal box transportation needs wherever possible and where the provision of such service will not adversely affect the promise bestowed in said car commercials.

          (b) Sunday double parking is a sacred motorist right and shall never be mentioned by any supervisor or mayor.

          (Amended by Proposition C, Approved 5/6/2016)
          Editor’s Note:
          Formerly Sec. 16.102.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Biking Increases Despite City's General Ambivalence

"We allowed a dumpster to sit in the bike lane for over 20 days, and people still want to bike in this city.  It's fascinating!"
image via Chema Hern√°ndez Gil
In his recent Examiner article, Joe "Transit Nerd"Fitz Rodriguez  buys into anti-car propaganda claims that the "Annual bike count shows commutes in SF up nearly 9 percent".  According to the SFMTA, "There are an estimated 82,000 bike trips in the city per day, an 8.5 percent increase in bike trips from 2014 to 2015".  And while I wholeheartedly disagree with data in favor of firmly held beliefs, I'm delighted to see that the city continues to show general ambivalence and some distain to biking, despite the increase in numbers.

A SFMTA representative said, "Yeah we're really shocked the numbers went up, even with our disjointed 'bike network' or whatever you want to call it.  San Francisco even had a 'bike injunction' from 2006-2010.  Our bike plan was held up in court on the presumption that the bicycle plan could cause 'significant damage to the environment and therefore requires an environment review under the California Environmental Quality Act'.  Can you imagine?  Nothing could be done, because removing travel lanes and parking spaces in favor of bike lanes CAUSE cars to CAUSE more congestion.  Our self proclaimed 'green, environmentally friendly, progressive city' couldn't even put in bike sharrows or bike racks because it could ruin the environment!"
"This is the best we can do for your bicycling children, because: Parking > Children"
Unfortunately the bike injunction was lifted, but the spirit of saving parking remains, even with our SFMTA Director of Sustainable Streets, Tom Maguire.  He said he enjoys cycling with his kids on that one mile stretch of "parking protected" Golden Gate Park.  Maguire said, "That’s a weak design choice the city will employ, because just like Golden Gate Park, the city sorely needs as much on-street parking as possible." Maguire added, “We don’t want to make a choice between parking and cyclists” and rarely ever does.

The SFPD has been trying to curb biking for years, and explained, "We also can't believe bicycling increased even though we rarely ticket motorists in bike lanes, or for anything really.  We had police officers dedicated thousands of dollars to ticketing people in those tiny, nimble, relatively slow moving vehicles and the numbers still increased!  We don't even crackdown on Valencia street, where you'd be hard pressed to find a second of the day when there's not some car parked in the bike lane, and we even have a police station on the street!  What are these bikers thinking!? We don't care about biking and you shouldn't either!"

"Don't expect us to unblock bike lanes when we have Wiggle stop sign rolling bikers to deal with"- SFPD, probably.
image via SFGreen
"Despite the fact that none of this paint 'infrastructure' is adequately enforced, we'll continue to install miles of paint on the streets of SF."
 image via 0xEugene
Even Mayor Lee is taking his piece of credit for the uptick.  Despite only using his bike for photo-ops, he said, “as San Francisco grows in population, housing and jobs, it is critical that we offer shoddy and disjointed bike infrastructure that never removes even a thread of parking.  We'll also make sure to increase enforcement on this safe and affordable way of getting around the City,” said Mayor Ed Lee. “And that's why I vetoed the 'bike yield law', to help make biking an even more unattractive option in the city.  Hell, I might even slice up a bike lane again for one of my optometrist buddies!"
"I want to treat these 'vehicles' exactly the same, for safety of course!" - Mayor Lee, probably.
“Despite our lack of efforts, bicycling is San Francisco’s fastest growing mode of transportation,” said Ed Reiskin, SFMTA Politician of Transportation. “We're not entirely sure why it's happening.  Have you seen Market Street, aka "Gauntlet Street" before?  Yikes!  With hundreds of thousands of new bike trips each year, we’re committed to watering down our bike plans while making parking plentiful for motorists.  Expect to see more half-hearted bike 'infrastructure' that will undoubtedly get blocked by hordes of cars, and expect more SFPD bike crackdowns of course."
The city is full of poorly painted bike lanes with motorists double-parked daily.  If we reach our city's official goal of 20 percent of trips by bike by 2020 it won't be from our efforts.” Ed Reiskin, probably.
image via Adam Long

Sunday, April 17, 2016

"Everyone Plays a Part in Chainsaw Safety"

"Everyone plays a part in chainsaw safety, from the people wielding chainsaws, to the people scurrying in fear around chainsaws."
image found here
A century honored tradition of wielding chainsaws in the city may soon come to an end if an anti-chainsaw measure passes in San Francisco, which bans chainsaws in the city altogether.  The move has chainsaw enthusiasts and merchants alike fuming over such a measure.  

Penny Southerland, longtime chainsaw aficianado, screamed, "The streets of San Francisco were made for chainsaws.  They were here ever since I can remember!  I can't believe someone would have the audacity to tell me I can't run around with my chainsaw in the city anymore.  If people just watch where they're going, wear helmets & high-viz clothing, there won't be a problem.  It's unfair to blame everyone with chainsaws for chainsaw injuries.  Everyone plays a part in chainsaw safety."
Chainsaw merchants say it's only coincidence that people running through the city with chainsaws contributed to the uptick in chainsaw injuries & deaths. 
But "anti-chainsaw" advocates see things differently and blame the increase in chainsaw deaths and injuries squarely on the people who have chainsaws.  Teddy Wilshire exclaimed, "It's nuts that you would allow a dangerous piece of metal around the city.  It's not just the danger posed by the swift moving blades.  It's also the fumes that spew out from those metal death machines.  Take your chainsaw into an area where there aren't a lot of people around.  Why is it that crazy to think we can move through the city without chainsaws?"

Randy has been wielding a chainsaw on Market Street ever since he can remember, and he's not about to stop "just because some idiot hurts themself on my chainsaw."
image found here
Randy Smith, head of the "San Francisco City Chainsaw League" said,"It's my God given right to juggle chainsaws while running through downtown.  It's my preferred method of travel.  People just need to make sure to educate themselves and their children to watch for people with chainsaws.  It's about mutual respect.  Besides, if you don't want someone coming at you with a chainsaw, travel around with a chainsaw, for safety."

City officials have been reluctant to ban chainsaws in the city outright, and opted for signs and paint to help designate chainsaw and non-chainsaw zones.  They've also started campaigns to educate people about the importance of safety near people who are operating chainsaws.  SF's chainsaw safety czar said, "it's really about how to place legal blame on people who hurt others with a chainsaw, and the people who hurt themselves on someone's chainsaw.  The city also started a "Vision Zero" campaign to end all chainsaw deaths by 2024.

Signs, paint and lights will help delineate between someone 'accidentally' being struck by a chainsaw, and those who were distracted and simply "asking for it".
image found here
Thanks to SharrowsDC for the inspiration. 

Thursday, April 14, 2016

City Poised to Turn Back on Mission Transit Project Because Cars Can't do Things

Transit only lanes that rob 10,000 motorists of their freedom to do car things, every day
Image via Brian Stokle
The thermoplastic has barely dried, the project a decade in the making, set to benefit 67,000 riders a day hasn't been completed, but there are plenty of people angry about the Mission Rapid Project. The project already went through years of painstaking "community meetings" and redesigns to weaken it down to a half-measures aimed at pleasing motorists and ensuring merchants of their God given right to on-street parking.

Typical SFMTA Project:

1) Develop a Transit Improvement Plan.
2) Water down plan to appease everyone.
3) Appease no one.
4) Water down plans further.
5) Endure perpetual criticism about how Muni sucks and can't get anything done.

Without knowing any of the facts, David Campos quickly responded to screaming motorist's anecdotes that the plan was already ruining their way of life.  Campos started a Facebook post to whip up hysteria.  He said, "As a supervisor, it's up to me to amplify the screams of my motoring constituents.  They're angry, honking, and putting people into danger because we've robbed them of the experience promised to them in car commercials. I don't seek to understand.  I don't care if 67,000 bus riders save 5 minutes off their commute. It's my duty to cowardly pander to a few select neighbors rather than actually... you know, lead."

"Wait what do I do?  Do I drive in the red lane that says 'bus only'?  This is so confusing!
image found here
Ed Reiskin, San Francisco's Politician of Transport, met with some "Mission Leaders" and plans to hold yet another community meeting.  He said, "I want everyone to know that despite all the careful planning, studying and the outreach everyone in my agency did these past 10 years, we can turn on a dime if I hear a few complaints from the 10,000 motorists that drive along the Mission.  I want you to have confidence that we don't even have confidence in what we're doing.  I want you to know that even the smallest motorist's scream will be heard and acted upon swiftly.  Despite our "Transit First Policy" we want to tell the nearly 10% of San Franciscans who ride the 14-Mission and 49-Van Ness/Mission buses every day, you really don't matter."

The date and time of the community meeting shitshow has yet to be determined.

There's literally nothing more important than catering to the whims of Mission St. Motorists
image found here
Thanks to "Militant Pedestrian & Ian Monroe for the quotes I stole!