Thursday, May 29, 2014

Questions Surround Google's Self-Driving Car: "Can we Still be Impatient Assholes?"

"Will I still be able to speed and violently honk the horn?"
image found here
Google has a prototype for a self-driving car that doesn't have a steering wheel, gas pedal, or even brakes.  The car is automated and controlled by cameras, sensors and works alongside GPS.  Google is building this self-driving technology despite the fact that at least 50 percent of drivers would rather drive themselves in an anxiety and anger inducing car commute.  

Sharon Macao helped test drive one of the vehicles and said, "I really liked how simple the whole setup was. There's just a screen and you plunk in your coordinates and the car does the rest.  What I didn't like was that car just stopped when obstacles like bikers and pedestrians were in the way.  The car didn't even honk or encroach in their space to get them out of the way.  Am I really supposed to just sit back and relax in this car?"

People smiling and mellow during a vehicle commute, are you insane?

Vehicle testers pointed out other "design flaws":
  • Where's the setting to make the car go through red lights at the last second?
  • The car just goes the speed limit?  How can I make it go faster?
  • I really don't feel superior to other modes of transportation anymore.
  • Will I still be able to honk a horn when I get impatient and upset?
Google spokesman was asked if all these questions will put a damper on the fledgling industry.  They replied, "Until we somehow find a cheaper and more efficient way to move people around that leads to less congestion, improved health, and is less dangerous to pedestrians, we'll continue to create this technology for the consumer."

Google Engineer pondering how to make a fun, safer commute with proven health benefits.
image found here.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Kids Learn a Super Fun Game to Avoid Vehicle Carnage

Kids learning fun games and limericks that instill the ordained fear of vehicles.
Photo: Lea Suzuki, The Chronicle | Buy this photo
The city of San Francisco is ready to spend the next couple of decades trying to make streets less like the highways they were designed to be.  And while motorist behavior stays the same, it only makes sense to teach children that they shouldn't get in the way of the almighty car.  Spokesman for the 'Kids Get Out of The Damn Way' program said, "Children need to learn early the grim reality that every street of every block of their entire neighborhood is a virtual slaughter zone, but they're going to learn in a super fun and interactive way!  They even have a mascot for the occasion called "Conky: The Crazed Car of Doom".  Conky would run around the children texting and drinking while the children avoided getting 'flattened' by the beloved mascot.
Always remember what Conky says, Kids!  "Get out of my way or I will END YOU."
Image found here.  
The often trembling and teary eyed children were thrown into a "video game like" environment and told to play out real life scenarios where they pay reverence to the almighty vehicle.  In one situation, they were told to wave their hands and plead for their lives while Conky backs out of their driveway without checking his rearview mirror.  As with previous years, this year shaping up to be just as dangerous and detrimental to pedestrians in San Francisco at the hands of motorist behavior, it only makes sense to teach children the natural order of streets.
As Sandy dries her eyes she asks the instructor "Did I win the game?" to which the instructor replies, "Maybe you did Sandy... maybe..."
Photo: Lea Suzuki, The Chronicle | Buy this photo
Kids will learn to be afraid and avoid getting in the way of cars up until they get to the age where their brains become wired and prone to reckless and risky behaviors, at which time they'll be given the opportunity to operate a vehicle themselves.  The hope is that they will remember their 'Get Out of The Damn Way' training.  Teens will understand the tables are finally turned and pedestrians will need to get the hell out of their way from now on.
"Welcome to my world, bitches"
image found here.  

Monday, May 12, 2014

Dustin White: SF Transportation Planner - Biker Dirtbag of the Month

Dustin White - Popping a Wheelie while thinking of ways to ruin traffic in San Francisco.
Photography: Ted Ketai // Website: Scout Studio
Did you know that Dustin White, one of the transportation planners for the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency... wait for it... owns a bike?!? (and a car)  Did you know this chump only has multiple degrees in city planning, transportation engineering, and civil engineering?!?  He doesn't even have the decades of experience in dish washing and blogging that you've come to expect from a legitimate authority in urban street design!  In a shocking revelation, Dustin actually admitted on the Internet that, "In 2004 I bike toured with my mom from Montreal to the coast of Maine. Thanks mom!" was one of his most memorable moments.  Do you need any more proof that he's deranged cyclist with a radical agenda to change a fraction of the 2600 streets in San Francisco?

This cyclist dirtbag even takes credit for working on a "low-cost" project (a percentage of the 3 million dollars allocated for city bike projects from 2011-2013) that added bike lanes to a portion of Market Street that is now one of the most heavily traveled bike routes in the US.  People now make around 6,000 cycling trips daily through Market Street; a corridor that really should only be accessible to lost and confused tourists, and motorists who want to drive in the bus only lane.  He's probably one of those nuts that wants to make city traffic "calmer" and "safer" in San Francisco for pedestrians, too.
Only 23,225 trips a day from 4:30 pm to 6:30 pm counted at 51 intersections?  Thanks for nothing, Dustin!
info and picture found here.
These kind of statistics really makes you wonder how the city can justify spending .000625% of the city's annual budget on bicycle safety and improvement projects.  It only benefits the 43% of voters who already bike, and 2/3rds of voters who want better bike lanes in San Francisco.  It's a real head scratcher.

If we want infrastructure that doesn't cater exclusively to cars, then let's continue to keep these crazed dirtbag biker planners like Dustin White, with their fancy shmancy degrees, and their multi-mode transportation experience, in City Hall.  Everyone with half a brain knows that we should rely solely on highway engineers from the 50's to build our San Francisco Streets.  I, for one, say, "Suck it, Dustin!"
Superpro Cycling Extremist and Lunatic Civil Engineer Dustin shown speeding away from his common sense.
Image found here.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Don't Bike to Work Day - May 6th!

These bad boys are staying put today for the annual "Don't Bike to Work Day"
image found here.  
Everyone by now knows that May 8th is San Francisco's official "Bike to Work Day", but people might not know that May 6th is "Don't Bike to Work Day" when over 24,000 people who would otherwise bike to work, decide to take other slower and more expensive modes of transport.  Regular cyclist commuter, Dutch Johnson, standing awkwardly in a Muni bus with a elbow in his face, commented, "this is a good day for cyclists to remember how terrible commuting can actually be".  Muni already has an overburdened system and today the extra passengers pushed it to the tipping point.  

Muni riders trying to figure out what the shit is going on today and why they can't fit into their already crammed bus.
Images found here and here.  
Muni wasn't the only overburdened transit system today.   Market street and all of the surrounding streets were heavily congested since 3000 cyclists were replaced with mostly motorists.  Cars were spilling into the bus only lanes and stopping in the crosswalks, causing headaches to pedestrians.  Sandra Miney said, "This is an absolute nightmare down here. What a stupid thing for the cyclists to do!  What were they thinking!?"   

Randy Fitzgerald drove his car through downtown and was fortunate enough to find a parking, garage with capacity.  "I nearly forgot that I could spend 20 minutes driving my car 4 miles downtown through Market Street and pay $40 dollars to park".  Other people weren't fortunate to find parking as all the parking garages filled up before 10 am.  

"Good luck, they're all taken!"
image found here.
There were Don't Bike to Work Day "Aggravation Stations" all over the city for the event.  Pedestrians were given reflective gear so they were seen by more angry frustrated drivers.  They were also given plenty of water so they were hydrated when screaming at motorists pulling dumb moves like U-turns, fast bursts of angered speed through red lights and stopping in the crosswalks.  Motorists were also given Xanax and calming teas so they could finish their commute with a few nerves left in them.  

All in all Don't Bike to Work Day was a huge success thanks to the cyclists that gave up their easy, inexpensive, and congestion free commute.  Helmets off to everyone and here's to an even bigger, more crowded, nightmare next year!
"I hate you all!!!
image found here.