Wednesday, December 24, 2014

♫ The Twelve Lanes of Grinchmas ♫

♫ On the 12th lane of Grinchmas Bob Grincherson sent to me ♫

♫ Twelve bumpers bumping ♫

♫ Eleven pedestrians passing ♫

♫ Ten tracks a tripping ♫

♫ Nine Taxis swerving ♫

♫ Eight maids a metering ♫

♫ Seven turns sans signal ♫

♫ Six obese a parking ♫

♫ Five drivers texting ♫

♫ Foooour hoooonking caaaars ♫

♫ Three potholes ♫

♫ Two doors ajar ♫

♫ And a duuuumpster in a biiiike laaaane ♫

Monday, December 22, 2014

Stockton Pedestrian Plaza Completely Ruins Holidays & Local Businesses

A teenager sneers at the AstroTurf and then tells his mom he wishes he was adopted
The Pedestrian Plaza was supposed to be all fun and games and a "relief from cars", but it's done nothing but tear apart families, ruin children's dreams, and tank the Disney, Apple and Ferrari stores.

Visitors from all parts of the world used to come to Stockton street to enjoy the three lanes of traffic forking out onto a pedestrian heavy market street.  Tourist's jaws dropped as they saw the green abomination.  One asked what happened to the "Detroitesque area near the clusterf*ck of cars around Union Square parking lot?"
"Where the hell is Stockton Street? What am I supposed to tell them huh? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM??!"
Jack, holding his two teary eyed children, exclaimed, "My two kids were so excited when I told them we would be in a car blasting down Stockton Street, and now we can't even do that?  They've been saving up their change for gas money and talked about it every day since July.  And now we come to this green AstroTurf nightmare? You ruined my children's Christmas, San Francisco."

Nothing says the holidays better than two ton machines coasting down towards Market Street!
The economic effects of the Pedestrian Plaza have rippled through downtown SF.  All the stores on Stockton never realized how much they rely on motorist pavement to sustain their businesses.  The Apple store now sees a few patrons every day.  The line of people waiting for the release of the iPhone 7 has completely dispersed. 

Apple store employees hoping to hear patrons and the rush car traffic again soon.
image found here
The damage has been so catastrophic that Apple and Farari stock has plummeted every day since the "Winter Wonderland" was installed.  Market analysts have been panning the stock which is now at "junk" status.  With company stock now worth pennies on the dollar, company board members are hoping they can at least recoup some profit, though they might likely break even with transaction costs.
Apple's stock was humming along just fine until the "Winter Wonderland" plaza was installed.  
The parent corporations have decided to shutter these locations in favor of new stores in upscale sprawl neighborhoods in Detroit and Las Vegas and Phoenix where free storefront parking is abundant.  Mayor Lee has since responded to the criticism and vowed to "Never thrust this car-less nightmare on the good people of San Francisco again."

Mayor Lee trying to console a angry mob of motorists who just want the good old days when you could weave around pedestrians and angrily look for free parking.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Lego and Playmobil Release "Riding a Bike in the City" Play-sets - Paramedics Included!

Kids Gotsta Learn.  Until you own a car you will never be safe.
Lego and Playmobil sign on with SMAC (Speeding Motorists Against Cyclists) to bring your kids their City series of toys! Featuring "Riding a bike in the city." Yes, BOTH play-sets feature an ambulance and paramedics arriving to cart the City Cyclist off to the hospital. We spoke to the designers of the play-sets for a closer look. 

"You'll notice that the cyclist is there alone, with no car or truck toy included. That because we believe that most biking accidents are 'solo falls'", Danish toy designer Robban Andreessen told us. "We here at Lego had an anonymous tip sent in about the vast conspiracy to under-report solo falls, as the leading cause of deaths among cyclists." He went on to say "We wanted to ingrain in children the belief that cycling is not only scary, it's downright dangerous and that nobody should ever try it. That's where these play sets come in. As the child builds the toy, the child is also building within himself the realization that driving a car is the only way to avoid becoming a victim."

"Now do you see why mommy and daddy threw your bicycles into that ravine?"
Other playsets planned for the series include "Free parking places for everyone right outside their favorite stores" and "Yelling loudly over others at public meetings to get your way." Andreessen told us that all three sets will be available in time for this holiday shopping season. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Prop L Losers Seek Street Compromise: "Dig Pedestrian Tunnels Throughout SF"

How can we make pedestrians safer with two ton steel demons clogging the roads?  Prop T has a solution!
image found here.  
Former supporters of Prop L have been looking for areas to compromise with the large, overwhelming majority of people who want better transit and safer biking and walking in SF. Recently the group came up with an "innovative proposition" similar to Prop L that should appeal to everyone.  After a 30 minute discussion, the group came up with "Prop T: Tunnels for Pedestrians". Supporters claim it 'will help create a "network of pedestrian tunnels to scurry safely under the glut of angry motorist traffic in the city."

Motorist group proposes tunnels like this all around the city to "kindly get the hell out of our way"
image found here
One Prop T supporter said he understands the issues pedestrians have and that it's best if they get "swept under the rug of the city".  When asked about the high costs involved with pedestrian tunnels he cheerfully replied, "We can find considerable cost savings if we make the tunnels three feet high and barely lit.  The whole thing could cost a couple million dollars, or even less.  And isn't that a small price to pay for getting the hell out of motorist's way?" The group also thinks that "natural selection will work out the kinks" and pedestrian's spines, skin and eyes will eventually adapt to tunnels.  "Eventually they come to enjoy these tunnels, especially when we make it illegal for pedestrians to cross all above ground 'motorways'".

Eventually Pedestrian's spines, eyes and skin will adapt to the tunnels, allowing for future generations of pedestrian troglodytes to enjoy their new  found place in society.
image found here
When asked if pedestrians would accept this "compromise" one supporter said that Prop T was built on the same "brilliant and solid scientific methods that Prop L was built upon."   He went on to say, "Look, despite how motorists say we want Public Transit to get better, we're never actually going to take it. And all this striping of paint, bulb-outs and blinking lights?  We're still going to be assholes, so how about we just start digging tunnels for 'Non-motorists' and it will work out for everyone?"

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Meet SFBC's New Executive Director Noah Budnick: Worst Person Ever

Noah getting ready to hop on a bike and travel the City he ruined with bike lanes.
“There is incredible energy across the country to transform cities into healthy, livable places, and I’m so excited to work with communities around the city to put San Francisco on the forefront of this transformation.”  These are clearly the words uttered by a fanatical and evangelical bike nut!

Noah Budnick won crucial street campaigns, including creating a safer speed limit throughout New York City; the first protected bikeways in the U.S. on Manhattan’s 8th and 9th avenues; and Bus Rapid Transit throughout the city. Budnick also served on Mayor Bill de Blasio’s transition team, making Vision Zero and street safety a top priority for the incoming mayor. He probably takes credit in the fact that Citi Bike Share surged in the last year.  New Yorkers took 3.2 million trips during the first 100 days of the program and traveled an average of almost 30,000 miles daily.  He'll probably take credit for the fact there have been no fatalities so far, either.
Noah Budnick posts a picture of his crazy anti-car propaganda.
image found here. 
This kind of bike zealot has even proposed segregated bikes lanes just because of some "evidence" and "facts" that ped/bike accidents go down while biking increases.  He probably hasn't even read THE STUDY, which shows that cycling is the worst thing you could probably do according to the study.  The Study.

So have fun with your new executive director with his fancy new title and his over 14 years of experience, and his proven track record for decreasing accidents and making New York safer for every mode of transit.  Enjoy your private hell of better rapid transit, better Citi Bike Share, less car congestion and safer streets thanks to this bike lunatic.