Monday, June 30, 2014

UC Study Irrefutably Concludes: Cycling = DOOM

You might be surprised to know which one of these things is the most dangerous
 (*hint* It's biking with your family)
Images found here, here, and here.
For anyone who rides a bicycle in the city of San Francisco, I have some shocking news for you.  Did you know that you can get hurt by riding a bicycle?!?  It's true, even though the city and the Bicycle Coalition touts that it's perfectly 100% safe, probably.  Well this UC study proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that cycling is the WORST. THING. EVER.  The study found from 2000 to 2009 / 2,504 people got hurt on their bikes over a ten year period.  Considering that 43,000 commute by bike a day in the Bay Area, I'm sure that number is super scary.

You might be asking yourself a few questions about this data and I'm here to help guide you to the logical conclusion that biking is absolutely the most asinine thing you can do.

Question 1: There's a lot of different kinds of cycling: racing, recreational, long distance, commuting.  Does the study say what these cyclists were doing?  Maybe there's a correlation between things like age, type of biking and injury?

Answer: Shut up it doesn't matter all biking is the same to me and it should be the same to you!

This is really the only way biking could be any more dangerous.
image found here 
Question 2: If an average of 43,000 people are cycling each day, and you multiplied that by 365 days for 10 years, doesn't that mean one person was injured about every 1.5 days?  Doesn't that mean one person is injured out of every 64,500 bike trips, and bikers have .a 0015% chance of getting injured enough to warrant a trip to the ER?

Answer: You're a crazy bike-nut.  I don't let facts get in the way of my righteous indignation.

Question 3:  I saw an article about the New York City Bike Share and they've had very little injury and zero deaths.  Out of 8.75 million trips, they've had about 100 crashes reported, and about 25 of them required a trip to the ER.  How do you explain that?

Answer: Don't try and change the subject!!! This is about San Francisco and it's only ok for me to reference other cities when I'm discussing how ruinous biking is.

Think biking is safe?  Think again.  All these bikers are now DEAD.
image found here
Question 4: Couldn't you argue that walking and driving a car could also be dangerous?  Can you compare all the modes of transportation?

Answer: No and don't ever tell me what to do again.

Conclusion from the UC study: "trauma centers can play a key role in future collaborations to define issues and develop prevention strategies for CO (Cyclist Only) crashes."

Bob's Conclusion: Biking is simply the most atrocious thing you can do for yourself because some people get hurt doing it.  Think of biking as eating a plate of radioactive lard while being shot out of a cannon into a tank of starving sharks.  It's just that hazardous. Now throw away that pesky bike of yours and get yourself into a sweet sweet automobile.  I just saved your life, my friend.

Now doesn't this look a lot safer and healthier?
image found here.


  1. Bob Gunderson for Mayor!!!

    1. I promise I won't kiss any babies, or even look at them.

  2. Replies
    1. Glad you find concrete unbiased bike facts hilarious Amber!

  3. Thanks for the info Bob <3 U. Bikers, you're not as wanted as you think you are.

    1. Thanks Rgeezy. I can always count on your for slightly incoherent, yet positive reinforcement.

  4. Still beats the heck out of riding MUNI.

    1. That's because you're a punk bike nut!

  5. Urban cycling isn't exactly easy. It requires a certain level of sustained & elevated concentration. To folks who don't have that, urban cycling in any city is a frightening and dangerous activity. It's best that they do not partake. Be nice to the "differently abled".

  6. Reading the actual article, it seems to have nothing to do with any of this. The conclusion:


    Based on this study, we conclude that trauma centers can play a key role in future collaborations to define issues and develop prevention strategies for CO crashes."

    1. My conclusion on you, anon, is that you're a dirtbag biker hippy. Have the decency to make up a name!

  7. It's flattering to be parodied, even witlessly like this.

    But that UC study found that cycling accidents have been significantly under-counted in SF. Why? Because the city has been relying on police reports of injury accidents and ignoring many cycling accidents treated at SF General Hospital.

    The study found that over that ten-year period, more than 1,300 injury accidents to cyclists were not counted in the city's annual Collisions Report, which is why the city hasn't released an updated version of that report since 2012.

    Why that reality should be an occasion for humor is odd.

    1. Papa Bear? Is that really you? I'm so flattered that my favorite blog-bully has taken an interest in this important and statistically significant UC Study! I wanted to educate the public out of the goodness of my heart for those disgusting bike-nuts. It's my duty to highlight this study even though SFPD doesn't take ped injuries seriously and says nothing of the car driver/passenger injuries that aren't counted,

      I want people to really think about the ramifications of biking. I want Joe Schmo to think "I guess I can bike today, my chances of being hurt are only .0015%. Oh, no wait I can't, they are .0024%" And building better bike lanes may only get rid of half the collisions, or most, whatever.

      Citizens of SF need to know that it simply doesn't make sense and it's far too dangerous to bike in a densely populated, 50 square mile city. If you want to get around SF, buy a car and bitch and complain when you're stuck in congestion, peds and bikers get in your way, or when you can't park it anywhere.

      Thanks for your insightful comments buddy, even if you consistently delete mine.

      <3 you Rob :) *hugs*


    3. Wow Rob. Is there anything you're not good at critiquing? The parody pokes fun at how you're trying to make a mountain out of a molehill and that biking is not as dangerous as YOU would like people to believe. That's why no one is paying attention to it as much as YOU would like. Why don't you try again on streetsblog... oh wait you were blocked from that site for being a jackass.

    4. don't let him shit on another blog