Wednesday, December 24, 2014

♫ The Twelve Lanes of Grinchmas ♫

♫ On the 12th lane of Grinchmas Bob Grincherson sent to me ♫

♫ Twelve bumpers bumping ♫

♫ Eleven pedestrians passing ♫

♫ Ten tracks a tripping ♫

♫ Nine Taxis swerving ♫

♫ Eight maids a metering ♫

♫ Seven turns sans signal ♫

♫ Six obese a parking ♫

♫ Five drivers texting ♫

♫ Foooour hoooonking caaaars ♫

♫ Three potholes ♫

♫ Two doors ajar ♫

♫ And a duuuumpster in a biiiike laaaane ♫

Monday, December 22, 2014

Stockton Pedestrian Plaza Completely Ruins Holidays & Local Businesses

A teenager sneers at the AstroTurf and then tells his mom he wishes he was adopted
The Pedestrian Plaza was supposed to be all fun and games and a "relief from cars", but it's done nothing but tear apart families, ruin children's dreams, and tank the Disney, Apple and Ferrari stores.

Visitors from all parts of the world used to come to Stockton street to enjoy the three lanes of traffic forking out onto a pedestrian heavy market street.  Tourist's jaws dropped as they saw the green abomination.  One asked what happened to the "Detroitesque area near the clusterf*ck of cars around Union Square parking lot?"
"Where the hell is Stockton Street? What am I supposed to tell them huh? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM??!"
Jack, holding his two teary eyed children, exclaimed, "My two kids were so excited when I told them we would be in a car blasting down Stockton Street, and now we can't even do that?  They've been saving up their change for gas money and talked about it every day since July.  And now we come to this green AstroTurf nightmare? You ruined my children's Christmas, San Francisco."

Nothing says the holidays better than two ton machines coasting down towards Market Street!
The economic effects of the Pedestrian Plaza have rippled through downtown SF.  All the stores on Stockton never realized how much they rely on motorist pavement to sustain their businesses.  The Apple store now sees a few patrons every day.  The line of people waiting for the release of the iPhone 7 has completely dispersed. 

Apple store employees hoping to hear patrons and the rush car traffic again soon.
image found here
The damage has been so catastrophic that Apple and Farari stock has plummeted every day since the "Winter Wonderland" was installed.  Market analysts have been panning the stock which is now at "junk" status.  With company stock now worth pennies on the dollar, company board members are hoping they can at least recoup some profit, though they might likely break even with transaction costs.
Apple's stock was humming along just fine until the "Winter Wonderland" plaza was installed.  
The parent corporations have decided to shutter these locations in favor of new stores in upscale sprawl neighborhoods in Detroit and Las Vegas and Phoenix where free storefront parking is abundant.  Mayor Lee has since responded to the criticism and vowed to "Never thrust this car-less nightmare on the good people of San Francisco again."

Mayor Lee trying to console a angry mob of motorists who just want the good old days when you could weave around pedestrians and angrily look for free parking.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Lego and Playmobil Release "Riding a Bike in the City" Play-sets - Paramedics Included!

Kids Gotsta Learn.  Until you own a car you will never be safe.
Lego and Playmobil sign on with SMAC (Speeding Motorists Against Cyclists) to bring your kids their City series of toys! Featuring "Riding a bike in the city." Yes, BOTH play-sets feature an ambulance and paramedics arriving to cart the City Cyclist off to the hospital. We spoke to the designers of the play-sets for a closer look. 

"You'll notice that the cyclist is there alone, with no car or truck toy included. That because we believe that most biking accidents are 'solo falls'", Danish toy designer Robban Andreessen told us. "We here at Lego had an anonymous tip sent in about the vast conspiracy to under-report solo falls, as the leading cause of deaths among cyclists." He went on to say "We wanted to ingrain in children the belief that cycling is not only scary, it's downright dangerous and that nobody should ever try it. That's where these play sets come in. As the child builds the toy, the child is also building within himself the realization that driving a car is the only way to avoid becoming a victim."

"Now do you see why mommy and daddy threw your bicycles into that ravine?"
Other playsets planned for the series include "Free parking places for everyone right outside their favorite stores" and "Yelling loudly over others at public meetings to get your way." Andreessen told us that all three sets will be available in time for this holiday shopping season. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Prop L Losers Seek Street Compromise: "Dig Pedestrian Tunnels Throughout SF"

How can we make pedestrians safer with two ton steel demons clogging the roads?  Prop T has a solution!
image found here.  
Former supporters of Prop L have been looking for areas to compromise with the large, overwhelming majority of people who want better transit and safer biking and walking in SF. Recently the group came up with an "innovative proposition" similar to Prop L that should appeal to everyone.  After a 30 minute discussion, the group came up with "Prop T: Tunnels for Pedestrians". Supporters claim it 'will help create a "network of pedestrian tunnels to scurry safely under the glut of angry motorist traffic in the city."

Motorist group proposes tunnels like this all around the city to "kindly get the hell out of our way"
image found here
One Prop T supporter said he understands the issues pedestrians have and that it's best if they get "swept under the rug of the city".  When asked about the high costs involved with pedestrian tunnels he cheerfully replied, "We can find considerable cost savings if we make the tunnels three feet high and barely lit.  The whole thing could cost a couple million dollars, or even less.  And isn't that a small price to pay for getting the hell out of motorist's way?" The group also thinks that "natural selection will work out the kinks" and pedestrian's spines, skin and eyes will eventually adapt to tunnels.  "Eventually they come to enjoy these tunnels, especially when we make it illegal for pedestrians to cross all above ground 'motorways'".

Eventually Pedestrian's spines, eyes and skin will adapt to the tunnels, allowing for future generations of pedestrian troglodytes to enjoy their new  found place in society.
image found here
When asked if pedestrians would accept this "compromise" one supporter said that Prop T was built on the same "brilliant and solid scientific methods that Prop L was built upon."   He went on to say, "Look, despite how motorists say we want Public Transit to get better, we're never actually going to take it. And all this striping of paint, bulb-outs and blinking lights?  We're still going to be assholes, so how about we just start digging tunnels for 'Non-motorists' and it will work out for everyone?"

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Meet SFBC's New Executive Director Noah Budnick: Worst Person Ever

Noah getting ready to hop on a bike and travel the City he ruined with bike lanes.
“There is incredible energy across the country to transform cities into healthy, livable places, and I’m so excited to work with communities around the city to put San Francisco on the forefront of this transformation.”  These are clearly the words uttered by a fanatical and evangelical bike nut!

Noah Budnick won crucial street campaigns, including creating a safer speed limit throughout New York City; the first protected bikeways in the U.S. on Manhattan’s 8th and 9th avenues; and Bus Rapid Transit throughout the city. Budnick also served on Mayor Bill de Blasio’s transition team, making Vision Zero and street safety a top priority for the incoming mayor. He probably takes credit in the fact that Citi Bike Share surged in the last year.  New Yorkers took 3.2 million trips during the first 100 days of the program and traveled an average of almost 30,000 miles daily.  He'll probably take credit for the fact there have been no fatalities so far, either.
Noah Budnick posts a picture of his crazy anti-car propaganda.
image found here. 
This kind of bike zealot has even proposed segregated bikes lanes just because of some "evidence" and "facts" that ped/bike accidents go down while biking increases.  He probably hasn't even read THE STUDY, which shows that cycling is the worst thing you could probably do according to the study.  The Study.

So have fun with your new executive director with his fancy new title and his over 14 years of experience, and his proven track record for decreasing accidents and making New York safer for every mode of transit.  Enjoy your private hell of better rapid transit, better Citi Bike Share, less car congestion and safer streets thanks to this bike lunatic.  

Monday, November 24, 2014

Citing Indefinite Safety Issues - Car Companies Recall Every Vehicle Ever Made

They're just too unsafe to be put in the hands of people.  Have you met people before?
image found here.
2014 has been a record setting year for cars, recalling them that is.  Automakers have recalled 56 million cars this year.  The issues range from ignition switches, hood latches, to acceleration issues. This is more than three times the amount of cars Americans will actually buy this year.

GM currently faces a slew of lawsuits from an ignition-switch recall. So far they have received applications from 165 families claiming they have lost a loved one caused by the malfunctioning switches.  But when the car company dug deeper, they found something even more shocking.  One industry official stated, "Look even if everyone stopped driving drunk and didn't text there would still be a ton of accidents.  People operating vehicles just isn't safe.  We figured if 165 families is a big deal, then the fact that 110 people in the Unites States die each day is enough to just stop this car thing altogether."
"You seriously use these cars in pedestrian rich areas?  Are you insane? Have you seen what these things can do?" - Automotive Representative
image found here
Automotive companies then looked at how vehicles are used in cities.  An auto representative commented, "Have you seen how people drive around a major city? Motorists drive way too fast in cities, blow through red lights, and even when they're parked they're a major safety issue.   If the public is worried about a few hood latches and windshield wiper issues, they must be screaming to do something about all the death and injury directly caused by cars."

"Every Five days an entire plane worth of people gets wiped out because of cars.  We just can't stand for that anymore"
image found here.
Starting today all the major automotive agencies are recalling each and every car ever made in the interest of public safety. "Look if the airline had a Jumbo Jet falling out of the sky every five days they would shut down the company. We can't in good conscience keep selling these products that destroy so many lives every year."  Automotive companies are now scrambling to find relevance and profitability by investing in shoes, bikes, and mass transit vehicles.  

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Save Polk Street Crowd Still OK With Murderous Street Design

"Accidents happen.  If only there was something we could do.  Oh, we can?  No thanks. " - Save Polk Street
image courtesy of Folks for Polk
With its slog of parking spaces and wide speed lanes, Polk Street has been a Detroit dream for decades. It's enough to make the Michelin Man weep with joy. An average of 2-3 ped/cyclist are struck per month, making it one of the 6% of SF corridors classified as "high-injury". Some people like Folks for Polks argue that since 85% of people get to Polk Street through transit, walking, or biking that they shouldn't have to suffer the wrath of the 15% of motorists that blow through it.

A group crowds around an injured person to explain why parking is so critical to Polk Street's 15%
image courtesy of Folks for Polk
The Save Polk Street Crowd has been fuming at the idea of losing 18% of parking spots on Polk Street, but perfectly comfortable losing human life.  The livid crowd would discuss revenue losses that have yet to happen on more equitable streets.  People like Folks for Polk have argued that revenue increases on streets that actually cater to people's safety and well-being.  They have also argued that building a bike lane not only promotes safe biking but it also slows down cars which also saves pedestrians from injury and death.  The Save Polk crowd said logic has no place when it comes to parking a car.
Dawn Trennert looking insanely receptive to the safety concerns of the 85% of people who get to Polk by mass transit, walking or biking
Image courtesy of  Folks for Polk
During a Final final final final Polk Street redesign project, a SFMTA representative broke down and allegedly (*wink *wink) asked the "Save Polk Street" group, "So are you all just comfortable with a street that WILL eventually kill people?"

Save Polk Crowd - *silence*

SFMTA - "Come on we're all trying to skirt around this question.  Now do you want a design that is safe for everyone?"

S.P.C. - "Yes, of course do"

SFMTA - "ok so we remove about 18% of the parking only along Polk.  You'll still have ALL the parking on every side street, adjacent street, and in the underutilized parking garages"

S.P.C. - "Noooooooo!!!  We need that parking!"

SFMTA - "You JUST said you want safe streets."

S.F.C. - "Absolutely, but don't remove this parking"

SFMTA - "We're not magicians.  You can't have a complete street where everyone is safe with this level of parking."

S.F.C. - *dead silence* *cough* *mumbling*  "Well we don't really know if someone will die, right?"

SFMTA - "I can assure you that it's a statistical certainty.  It happens every year or more."

S.F.C - "but we don't know who it would be or when, right?"

SFMTA - "Is that comforting to you?"

S.F.C. - *silence*

SFMTA - "Well this has been a shitshow.  I hope to never see you harbingers of death again."

The SFMTA representative left along with their faith in humanity.

Save Polk Street skirting around safety issues and focusing on more pressing factors of driving your car to your business and parking right in front of it.
Video courtesy of

Folks for Polk continues to try to draw attention to the deaths and injuries on this corridor that will undoubtedly happen again.  They will continue to be met with dead eyes, blank stares and angry chants from the Save Polk Street crowd that refuse to acknowledge simple statistics, physics and geometry.  Save Polk recently focused their attention on the Van Ness BRT in hopes to keep that a car clogged nightmare to promote business as well.  So far the city of SF has been very receptive to the parking wishes of the Save Polk street even if it collides with their Vision Zero campaign.
"Save a sliver of parking for a few broken pedestrians and cyclists every year so we can park in front of our business?  I guess that's just the price we have to pay" - Save Polk Street
Image found here

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

City of San Francisco Finally Acknowledges THE STUDY!!!

The enthusiasm of Prop A and B passing and the defeat of Prop L quickly died away this week when San Franciscans opened their eyes to THE STUDY TO END ALL STUDIES.  Not the study about cycling increasing economic prosperity on streets with bike lanes.  It's not the study about bike infrastructure and bike shares improving safety.  It was the UC STUDY that links cycling to DOOM!!! RAGE CAPS!!!  The study found from 2000 to 2009, 2,504 people got hurt on their bikes over a ten year period.   Considering that 43,000 commute by bike a day in the Bay Area it was obviously a big deal.  The city hasn't been this shocked since Fox News brought attention to the Ebola Non-pandemic in the US.

San Franciscans meticulously read this study that showed there's a .0015% chance that someone riding a bike could get hurt enough to warrant a trip to the ER.  Screams reverberated throughout SF as each person came to the exact same conclusion again and again.  Vowing to never stand astride a bicycle again, people flocked in droves back into cars.  San Franciscans have been seen taking bikes to recycling centers hoping to get what few pennies on the dollar they can as the worth of a bicycle nears zero. "I'm just hoping I can get enough money for this death machine to fuel my safe SUV for a few miles" said one ex-biker.
It'll be 1956 all over again!" Bikes are left out on the curb and gutters"  Vans are collecting these incredibly dangerous contraptions to throw into the nearest gorge
image found here.  
Police made five arrests and placed a total of seven children with Child Protective Services because their parents had them on bicycles either on their way to school or running errands near their homes. SF police chief Greg Suhr said "We are not going to tolerate this sort of wild and reckless endangerment any longer. It's time to send a strong message that the only safe transport for children is in speeding autos."

"After reading that UC study we just realized how unsafe it is to walk or bike your kid to work"
The 2% of dedicated bicycle track was ripped up in mere weeks, offering all city residents and visitors two, three and even four personal parking spots. Many are oversized to accommodate the large SUV's and lifted trucks that are all the rage in SF. Plans to knock down failed bike shops and replace them with FREE PARKING lots are already in the works, The city's EIR requirements have been waived in the interest of public safety.
Citing "The Study" the city of San Francisco plans to install more wide streets like this to ensure no one ever tries to ride a dangerous bicycle in the condensed, heavily populated city of SF.
image found here
Meanwhile, work crews begun removing the metal bike racks around town that were formerly used to lock bicycles.  The city deemed them a symbol of a "dangerous past we cannot tolerate" and requested all the steel be recycled into large-format works of public art.  They are scheduled to be displayed at Crissy Field next year.  "Those bike assholes won't be needing those anymore," one workman quipped to the raucous cheers of motorists gathered around the crew.  Ex-cyclists gathered around and collectively burned their SFBC membership cards while singing Kumbaya.

A Bay Area shut-in blogger pronounced it a "sound move' and added 'for the children".  "People will look back and wonder what they ever found attractive about their idiotcycles as they rush their cars down Masonic Ave. with its fresh new bikelane-free margins at highway speeds.  All I can say is thank God for that UC study!"

Monday, November 10, 2014

Prop L Defeated - Officials Wonder if They Should Keep SF a Dangerous Car Dependent Shit-hole

With the recent overwhelming defeat of Prop L (62.42% opposed) and the resounding support of Prop A (71.30%) and B (61.23%), SF officials are wondering if they should actually start making the city less of a car dependent shit-hole. They've been scratching their heads and wondering if they should really start trying to stop all the tragedy and death on the streets of San Francisco, which is already at 28 people this year and climbing.

"It's enough of a resounding scream from the public to actually do something." said one official as they walked to their city provisioned car and backed out of their free parking spot.
"Honestly, we were all shocked at how easily Prop A and B passed.  Prop A gives the city a bond for $500 million for transit, road, and safety improvements.  Prop B ties Muni funding to population growth which could mean another 20 million or so a year. We're thinking maybe it's time to start putting less emphasis on cars" one city official exclaimed.  Officials are also mulling the possibility of putting the newly acquired funds to fix the things they claimed it would fix.   "Maybe we'll actually implement the TEP (Transit Effectiveness Project), or create a ped/bike friendly, death-free Polk Street.  We might build the Geary and Van Ness BRT.  Maybe we'll dedicate more than 3% of the street to modes of traffic other than cars.  Hell we might even remove a parking spot or two! The possibilities are definitely limited!"

"With the overwhelming passage of Prop A & B and shutdown of Prop L, do you think we should make San Francisco look less like Detroit?"
image found here
The SFPD has been debating whether or not to actually start making city streets safer by enforcing all the traffic laws intended to keep pedestrians and cyclists safe.  The city is calling this "Vision Zero" while everyone else calls it 'doing your F*cking jobs'. "You know, we might even start preventing people from speeding around here.  I know that's pretty crazy, but the public spoke and maybe we'll listen this time around." said one officer. The SFPD has been thinking about ticketing motorists that clog up the crosswalks, since they do it every single day, at every single light change. "We're really thinking about getting out of our cars and doing something."

"We might actually get out of these beasts and start implementing Vision Zero."
image found here 
The abysmal defeat of Prop L has motorists waiting for the impending Carpocalypse if the city actually does what it's been funded and directed to do.  City officials have been debating whether or not to find the list of people who voted for Prop L and simply take away all of their car privileges in order to make the streets safer.  "I mean, look, no decent motorist would ever vote in favor of Prop L. You have to be one sadistic *@#$# in order to vote for that piece of @#$% proposition.  They're seriously the worst drivers out there and we have all their names" said one official.  Whether or not San Francisco will become safer and less car dependent as a result of this overwhelming support and money is still anyone's guess.

City Officials debate whether or not to take away drivers licenses from everyone who voted for Prop L.  "Good god did you read that thing?  Anyone who voted for that is clearly a menace to society"
image found here.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

In Effort to Make Streets Safer And Equitable, City Pilots 'Crosswalk Karma'

Endangered a pedestrian's safety?  Get ready to walk through that same intersection 100 times.
image found here.
Motorists that blow through red lights, stop signs, and otherwise endanger pedestrians during their grueling race against time are in for a rude awaking.  San Francisco officials understand that ticketing a small number of offenders isn't going to do much to stem the rash of injury and deaths in the city. They've come up with a pilot program that doesn't affect a driver's pocketbook.  Instead it forces the offender to cross the same intersection 100 times or more by foot, depending on the offense.  It's called "Crosswalk Karma" and it aims to even out the disparity between people walking and people driving.

Jeff might actually yield to peds in this dangerous crosswalk next time in his car
image found here
Jeff Linger, caught running a red light in a heavily pedestrian area, was sentenced to cross the intersection 156 times during rush hour.  Jeff argued, "this is cruel and unusual punishment" and followed with, "and I will never run though a red light again... those drivers out here are insane!" A few offenders have offered ten to twenty times the normal fine just to get out of this program.  Cheryl Gardner, in tears, said, "I'll be sure to just wait until the pedestrians pass through the crosswalk the next time around.  This area is scary."

Cheryl, agitated, crosses the same street she blew through with her car a month ago.  56 more times to go, Cheryl!
Image found here.
San Francisco projects traffic related injuries and fatalities to drop 100% in one year, but it's not without its opponents.  Amnesty International expressed their "grave concern" this barbaric punishment that puts motorists "at extreme risk of death or permanently disabling injury".  The United Nations is also deciding on whether or not to charge SF with crimes against humanity.   

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Marina Bike/Ped Path Project: "Is The Safety of Thousands of People Every Day Worth Removing 51 Underused Parking Spots?"

Remove underused parking that will undoubtedly lead to some sort of tragedy in the future?  Decisions, decisions...
Photo: SFDPW
The group deciding the future of the Marina bike path project have a difficult decision on their hands. Should they eliminate a scant amount of parking to dramatically increase safety and comfort for the 98% of non-motorized users who use the path every day?  It's certainly not an easy answer if you're contending with a bunch of rich angry yacht owners screaming for free parking.

The only part of the 500 mile trail that has cars weaving around peds, cyclists, children, and the elderly.
image found here
If they remove these 91 parking spots, they only have parking everywhere else. There's nearby parking in four separate lots (the Marina Green lot, the Yacht Club East lot, the St. Francis Yacht Club lot, and the Yacht Club West lot) as well as parallel parking on Yacht Road and other proximate surface streets. 

Cars use the space 2% of the time but get nearly 50% of the space.  The decision to remove parking is difficult indeed.
image found here.
The one year project has been looking for other sensible solutions like somehow teleporting cyclists and pedestrians through the area where 2000 pound machines lumber around and sleep.  They've also looked to putting parking on the arterial street but found cars would face a "dooring hazard".  This is an issue that cyclists and pedestrians currently have on the path, which is perfectly acceptable.  

Some options, like putting car parking on arterial streets (like they do everywhere else in the city) are not suggested.  They put drivers who park their cars in risk of "dooring hazards", a problem that only cyclists are allowed to endure.
image found here.
Tuesday’s meeting of mostly angry rich yacht owners who want free parking handouts will start at 6 p.m. at Moscone Recreation Center at 1800 Chestnut Street, San Francisco.  Stop on by if you somehow think a 500 mile ped/bike path is better if it's unimpeded by car parking.

Comments can also be sent to Mary Hobson and Sarah Ballard of Rec and Parks. The SFBC has posted a template for letters of support for the parking removal on its website.

Stay strong and avoid reason at the meeting, rich yacht owners!  You're more important than the safety of thousands!
Photo: Aaron Bialick