Wednesday, November 12, 2014

City of San Francisco Finally Acknowledges THE STUDY!!!

The enthusiasm of Prop A and B passing and the defeat of Prop L quickly died away this week when San Franciscans opened their eyes to THE STUDY TO END ALL STUDIES.  Not the study about cycling increasing economic prosperity on streets with bike lanes.  It's not the study about bike infrastructure and bike shares improving safety.  It was the UC STUDY that links cycling to DOOM!!! RAGE CAPS!!!  The study found from 2000 to 2009, 2,504 people got hurt on their bikes over a ten year period.   Considering that 43,000 commute by bike a day in the Bay Area it was obviously a big deal.  The city hasn't been this shocked since Fox News brought attention to the Ebola Non-pandemic in the US.

San Franciscans meticulously read this study that showed there's a .0015% chance that someone riding a bike could get hurt enough to warrant a trip to the ER.  Screams reverberated throughout SF as each person came to the exact same conclusion again and again.  Vowing to never stand astride a bicycle again, people flocked in droves back into cars.  San Franciscans have been seen taking bikes to recycling centers hoping to get what few pennies on the dollar they can as the worth of a bicycle nears zero. "I'm just hoping I can get enough money for this death machine to fuel my safe SUV for a few miles" said one ex-biker.
It'll be 1956 all over again!" Bikes are left out on the curb and gutters"  Vans are collecting these incredibly dangerous contraptions to throw into the nearest gorge
image found here.  
Police made five arrests and placed a total of seven children with Child Protective Services because their parents had them on bicycles either on their way to school or running errands near their homes. SF police chief Greg Suhr said "We are not going to tolerate this sort of wild and reckless endangerment any longer. It's time to send a strong message that the only safe transport for children is in speeding autos."

"After reading that UC study we just realized how unsafe it is to walk or bike your kid to work"
The 2% of dedicated bicycle track was ripped up in mere weeks, offering all city residents and visitors two, three and even four personal parking spots. Many are oversized to accommodate the large SUV's and lifted trucks that are all the rage in SF. Plans to knock down failed bike shops and replace them with FREE PARKING lots are already in the works, The city's EIR requirements have been waived in the interest of public safety.
Citing "The Study" the city of San Francisco plans to install more wide streets like this to ensure no one ever tries to ride a dangerous bicycle in the condensed, heavily populated city of SF.
image found here
Meanwhile, work crews begun removing the metal bike racks around town that were formerly used to lock bicycles.  The city deemed them a symbol of a "dangerous past we cannot tolerate" and requested all the steel be recycled into large-format works of public art.  They are scheduled to be displayed at Crissy Field next year.  "Those bike assholes won't be needing those anymore," one workman quipped to the raucous cheers of motorists gathered around the crew.  Ex-cyclists gathered around and collectively burned their SFBC membership cards while singing Kumbaya.

A Bay Area shut-in blogger pronounced it a "sound move' and added 'for the children".  "People will look back and wonder what they ever found attractive about their idiotcycles as they rush their cars down Masonic Ave. with its fresh new bikelane-free margins at highway speeds.  All I can say is thank God for that UC study!"


  1. Hey I ride a bike, and I don't like bikers and I think we're a bunch of crazy dangerous nutjobs! Someone please help me stop my reckless addiction.

  2. Finally! We can get back to the peace and quiet that tens of thousands of motorized engines provide as they speed through the city on their new non-bike-laned roads.

    1. We were such fools to think that we could have safe streets with peds and cyclists. I mean, where has that ever worked?!?!