Thursday, August 28, 2014

Seattle's New Bike Share Immediately Screws up Traffic for Motorists

Seattle's Bike Share Program immediately jams up traffic for motorists
Bike Share Stations (Left) - Traffic Congestion (Right)
No more than 2 days into their start, the Seattle Bike Share Program already ruined traffic, say some pro- motorist groups.  Opponents of the program are throwing their hands up and screaming "we told you so!" They also pointed the finger to dedicated bike lanes and the various pedestrian and cyclist safety measures implemented over the last couple of years.  Eric Dicker, longtime resident of Seattle said, "We always said traffic was going to get worse and here's definitive proof that bike share is ruinous.  Now the sky is, indeed, falling." Eric explained the hardship he faced when driving a half mile to the store to get a loaf of bread.

Bikes were already clogging the shit out of Seattle - Bike Share just tipped the scale and ruined traffic for motorists.
image found here.
Seattle's Bike Share advocates have pointed the finger to the state's Department of Transportation, citing that all the extra traffic lanes built to accommodate more cars just created more congestion.  They also said recent cuts to public transit also contributed to more cars on the roads.  This has fallen on motorist deaf ears and many conveniently insist this is due to bikes. Motorists, jammed  up in traffic, say the blame falls solely on these bikers and their far reaching efforts to provide quick bicycle trips in and around the city.  "I mean just look at them taking up 2 feet on side roads, going 15 miles an hour. Is it any wonder our highways and freeways are so screwed up now?"
"We always knew these small, nimble machines would just obliterate motorist traffic"
image found here

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Backers of Prop L Look to Connect to Transit Riders, Pedestrians and Cyclists

Now that the people of "Restore Car Dominated Balance" have Proposition L on the ballot, they're looking for support from the people they are trying to marginalize.  Paul Aster, backer of Prop L said, "when we looked at the demographics we realized that the amount of people who solely drive isn't large enough to pass this through.  We need to connect to the other half of the city that doesn't drive a personal vehicle.  We want to relate to them and show that our wants and needs really aren't all that different."
"See, our concerns are not all that different"
Proposition L supporters want to make sure citizens understand how difficult it can be to sit in a vehicle and drive from point A to B in the least amount of time possible.  "We want to make sure someone in a bus realized that we're only parked in their bus stop because of bad city policy, somehow.  We want pedestrians to think twice when the crosswalk is blocked or we blew through a red light. Maybe it was due to a newly added bike lane, or some pedestrian safety initiative?  It certainly wasn't OUR fault."  Prop L supporters want everyone to put themselves in the lead shoes of drivers and contemplate the sheer horror of being unable to find a super convenient free parking space out of the 441,541 spaces available in SF.

Save these "Car Buffets" (Van Ness - Left, Masonic - Right) are perfect examples of balanced street-freeways 
Proposition L supporters also want to highlight some of San Francisco's wonderful "Car Buffets" that work amazingly well for drivers who can't handle excruciatingly slow speeds of 25 miles an hour.  Paul said, "These 'Car Buffets' are perfectly safe when pedestrians are in constant fear of bodily injury."  And while it's pretty clear that speeding doesn't save much time at all, Paul says that doesn't mean drivers shouldn't feel the satisfaction of getting somewhere faster.  "Some people feel the satisfaction of cycling to and from work, or carrying a load of groceries home from the store.  Drivers only feel this satisfaction when they're ripping through a neighborhood to get home just in time before The Big Bang Theory starts."

Prop L to make "San Francisco's streets safe and inclusive for EVERYONE".
Photo: Bryan Goebel
Paul concluded, "Once public transit riders, cyclists and pedestrians see that we're just another sharp, wildly spinning cog in the SF transportation machine, they'll be more receptive to this car dominated balance proposition."

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Oh Come on Why Won't Anyone Pay Attention to That UC Study About Bicycle Doom!?!

Here's a picture of a trauma room - Scary Right?  Don't even think of getting near a bike now!
Remember when I harped about that UC Study that irrefutably concludes that cycling is the most dangerous thing ever?  No, no not this UC bike study.  And I told you that the city is covering up the fact that you have a 0015% chance of getting hurt while biking in San Francisco?  Well here it is again!  I figure since no one is recognizing this as a beacon of doom, I'll just keep ranting on and on about it like any sensible person would do.  Here is some more Q&A on this important study on bicycle ruin.

Question 1: Does the city really do anything right?  How is this statistically insignificant amount of crashes any more or less important than car crashes, or pedestrians accidents?  Are you just trying to scare people into not biking?

B-Boy's Answer:  You just don't get it!  It's all part of the massive conspiracy with the all powerful SF bike coalition that dates back all the way to the Kennedy assassination.  Also, have I ever told you about how much I hate muslins.  Those cotton delicate sheers really grind my gears!

Question 2: Wait, the study says that there's more AVB (Automobile Vs. Bicycle) accidents than CO (Cyclist Only) accidents.  Doesn't that suggest that many of these accidents could be prevented by simply having motorists behave better on the roads and design better, safer, streets?

Bobbert's Answer:  Don't distract yourself from the real conclusion of this study.  People got hurt biking so it would be better if we simply create more barriers to stop cyclists from ever setting ass on a bike.  Do you really think that motorists are going to behave any better, ever?

Question 3: Don't the authors of this study come to the following conclusion: "Access to bicycling and other non-motorized modes of transportation is a significant need, especially in light of the public health issues resulting from inactivity. To encourage bicycling, improved roadways and management of risk and risk perception is key."

Bobby's Answer: They're a bunch of brain washed dicks!  The point is that even if you touch a bike you run the risk of winding up in the emergency room.

Have I shown Michael Helquist's  picture before?  He hurt his arm 5 years ago biking when he hit a pothole.  He's fine how but that won't stop me from using it every single chance I get!
image found here.
Question 4: This report really doesn't mesh with the latest article about Citi bikes. "After 23 million rides, no deaths in U.S. bike share programs" and only 40 people have been injured.  Doesn't this suggest that the more people bike the safer they are in numbers?  Isn't that cause enough to conclude that we need better infrastructure and more people out on bikes?  Haven't you seen other cities and countries where the crash rate is incredibly low?  Could this suggest there's different kinds of biking that contribute to injury (eg. cyclo-cross, long distance, daredevils?:

Bababui's Answer: Those are in different cities and countries, so I absolutely and conveniently cannot comment on them.  It has nothing to do with my inability to see outside of my own bias and weigh evidence from various points of view.

Question 5: The study also mentions "Surveillance data from both police records and hospital records will enable a better understanding of the needs for cycling infrastructure and public health education through evidence based research on both national and international scales." Are you suggesting that they're intelligent when it comes to uncovering the facts, but they're terrible interpreting the facts and making recommendations?

Bobboy's Answer: Shut up!  The government should be scaring the shit out of anyone who bikes in the city! They should actively discourage people from foolishly attempting to travel a densely packed 50 square mile city by bike.  Here's a picture of a mangled bike.  Put on your "Everything was Amazing in the 50s" glasses and read that study again!
DOOOOOM!!!  I show it because I ~care~ about you all very much. xoxo

Monday, August 18, 2014

Start-up Takes Advantage of Absurdly Free Parking in SF, Again!

"Where else would you find free real estate in a dense, expensive city?"
image found here.
Not since the gold rush era have we seen wealth created virtually overnight, and from exploring the untapped resources of California.  Now we're seeing venture capitalists looking for the next gold mine, whether it's renting out your house, driving people around in your private car, or the quasi-selling of free public parking spaces.  A start-up cutely named "Monkey Parking" tried, and failed at capitalizing on cheap parking space in San Francisco. And while selling information about people leaving parking spots doesn't fly with SF officials, that's not stopping another start-up from mining some gold from those sweet, sweet free parking spots around the city.
You'll be creating dynamic synergies in the comfort of a creepy van in no time!
image found here 
Jeff Fender, co-founder of "Wheeled Business Gold" wants to start cashing in on the cheapest resource in San Francisco.  He explains, "We realized that cars in the city aren't utilized around 97% of the time and pay virtually nothing to be there.  So why not start putting these spaces to use?"  Jeff and his team have equipped cars with wifi, LCD's, smartphone chargers, coffee machines and a honey bucket.  They'll only charge the customers three dollars an hour for the service.  "Parking your car in San Francisco is free, and at most is $200 annually for a parking permit in the city.  We can conceivably make $43,800 a year just from bad parking policy."

Cashing in from a abundant free and natural resource - it's exactly what "Wheeled Business Gold" is all about.
image found here
Jeff said right now they're not so much worried about the city attorney as they are about the threat of parklets, bicycle parking and car share services.  "Anything that puts people ahead of automobiles will be detrimental to our business.  We need to make sure that this virtually free public land continues to be allocated to vehicles, and only vehicles." Jeff explained.  And while prices for everything in San Francisco continues to climb, from food, to transit, and parking, you can rest assured that SF parking will remain absurdly low and ripe for the picking. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Sonoma-Marin "SMART" Train... Wait for it... Wait for it... is DUMB!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now why would you want to take the 'DUMB' Train when you can take the 101 Parking Lot/Freeway?
SMART (Sonoma-Marin Area Rail Transit) will carry people, freight and parallel a new 73 mile bike/pedestrian path.   But here in lies the shocker.  Did you know that these trains cost money and that sometimes they might cost more than estimated?!?  A Sonoma County "Grand Jury" report found that out!  You can find this information on page 15, right after the "It’s 10 p.m. Do You Know Where Your Dog And Cat Are?" article.

SMART might not be like the well managed and under spent projects like the 6.5 billion Eastern Bay Bridge span, or the multi-billion dolllar 405 freeway widening project that might actually be done by now.  The SMART project relies mostly on state and county money with some moneys from the quasi-solvent Federal "Trust" Fund. Sure, the trust that ran out of money a month ago because there's too many projects and not enough money generated by a 20 year old gas tax.  The brilliant minds in congress decided they would keep it afloat by diverting funds from "Pension Smoothing" and some kind of leaky tanks fund.  I'm sure it will be back to sustainable levels again and become a magnet for pet projects and bridges to nowhere again soon.

Who would want to give this up?  It's freedom baby!!!
image found here.  
SMART officials can't even predict the future of how many people will actually take the DUMB train.  As you can see from the red on South 101 and 280, they're super popular and everyone is flocking to jam those babies up!  So why would anyone want a stupid smelly quick DUMB train anywhere?  Why would we want to go back in history to when trains got people to where they needed to go?  Should we really risk building a train that will give the public accessibility to the area between Cloverdale and Larkspur in 60 minutes when they could just sit in a car for two and a half hours and get there via america freedom fuck yeah cars?!

Freedom!!! Now double it, and add more!
Ridership has only gone up on BART, Caltrain, Amtrak, Metrolink, and AC transit, but can we really be sure this will be the case for other trains?  Do we really know it will spark land development, business, and higher home values as it's done in every other area?  We really can't be sure. Why not spend that money doubling the Freeways a few times, which is sure to work out, this time, again!

Behold, the profound loss and disappointment of taking a DUMB train.  Did you get that?  Dumb?  It's SMART but I said dumb!
image found here.  

Monday, August 11, 2014

Moveon Petitions: Anti-War, End Fracking, Preserve Parking and Neuter Public Transit in SF

MoveOn.Org - saving society from pro-bike, pro-transit, and "anti-car" initiatives in our cities.  
For those of you who don't know what is, here's their mission statement:

"We are currently focusing on what we call our Million Leaders strategy — an audacious plan to unleash progressive people power by encouraging and supporting MoveOn members and other progressives to step up as the leaders of their own campaigns for social change. This strategy includes MoveOn Petitions, our online petition tool that empowers you to lead and win your own MoveOn-style campaigns."

If you scroll around the site you'll most likely see petitions to tell Obama to ban fracking on public lands, or to stop the keystone pipeline.  You'll also see local San Francisco progressive values in action with "Stop SFMTA (San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency)"  What could be more progressive than abolishing public transit and preserve the hundreds of thousands of free parking spaces in San Francisco?  That's right, nothing!

What could be more progressive than jamming a city with more cars and free parking?
image found here.
The petition reeks of grass roots progressive values you've come to expect from citizens here.  The call to end "Anti'car" policies such as:

1. Installing new parking meters and extending the hours of enforcement.
2. Enforcing Sunday parking meters
3. Increasing meter rates, fees and fines

It even gives a hearty nod to the "Restore Car Dominated Balance" ballot initiative which will put cars back in the forefront, from the forefront.  These common sense, progressive values are sure to make Muni better but not by funding it or making any substantial changes to any of the streets in San Francisco.  We can have our cake and drive over it too!

Save excessive speeding and parking on Masonic Avenue! It's just like signing a petition to save the rain forests and sea turtles!  
image found here.

ENUF's petition isn't the only well thought out, progressive petition on the site.  Moveon also gives a a shout out to save the Masonic Ave Freeway, and "No to wider sidewalks on Potrero Avenue".  The three fit nicely into a cohesive environmentally friendly and socially conscious SF narrative of  "SHUT UP I CAN DRIVE AND PARK WHERE AND WHENEVER I WANT TO YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!"

"Sue the GOP Congress", "Support Striking Walmart Workers" and "Don't you dare put a bigger sidewalk on this massive speed chute!
Image found here.
Hats off to the folks for maintaining their integrity when it comes to giving voice to the undeserved and marginalized.  Keep standing up for women's reproductive rights.  And by all means ensure that people with private vehicles continue to dominate the roads of San Francisco and everyone else can suck it!

Friday, August 1, 2014

Want Better Transit Options in Your City? It's Simple! Just be the Mayor!

Whenever you're stuck on a cramped bus, you're looking for a parking space, or you're bike lane is sub-par, remember it can be a lot better.  You just need to be a mayor!  Mayors get a ton of perks you may not have  considered, one of which is better transit.  Sure, you might have to bike to work once a year, or take the bus now and then for a photo-op, but fear not.  You'll probably have your own private car paid for by the city, and even your own chauffeur.  You know, because you're super important and can't operate the way regular people do in the city.  You're the major and you made a lot of crazy wild promises to get there, so treat yourself right!

As Mayor you might have to bike once a year, but the rest of the time you can text and drive.  Is anyone going to indict a mayor when you own the police department?  *wink
image found here and here.  
But the perks don't stop there!  You'll also have the opportunity to park wherever the hell you want!  Park in crosswalks, bus stops, and even in traffic lanes!  Worried you'll get a ticket?  Well even if you do just use your mayoral might and have the ticket person reprimanded and also as an added bonus, have the tickets magically whisked away with your mayoral wand!

Crosswalks are for little people, and mayoral parking.  Going to do something about it?  Didn't think so!
image found here.
Even if you don't live in the Bay Area you're sure to enjoy many of these perks.  Some deputy members even enjoy the perks of drunk driving on occasion.  You can even yell at bikers and tell them to get the hell off your road.  If you're up in Toronto you can even pantomime drunk driving when you're at your job like Rob Ford.  Be free to mix and match, be creative.  After all, you're the goddamn mayor!

Mayor Lee leaving a photo-op and jumping out of the Gross People's Cab for dear life!
image found here.  
Best of all, you're removed from all the headaches of plebeian transport.  Your car-centric view of transportation will make city transit decisions far easier.  You can repeal parking fees on Sundays since you empathize with motorists.  You can also rescind support for a local VLF tax to support transportation funding your own task-force approved.  How about punish any Supervisor that tries to increase funding using general funds.  Sure, maybe this will lead to some horrible transportation choices for idiots that don't own a private vehicle.  Don't worry though, since you're the mayor you'll never be forced to eat your own dog food.

"Bicycles are pain in my fat car driving ass"