Friday, May 31, 2013

Save Polk Street Car Domination - Road for Billionaires

While the SFMTA is claiming that only 15% of people that live and shop on Polk Street do it by cars. The rest got there by Transit, fool walking, or taking their idiotcycle. They reported that people that walk and bike actually spending more money on Polk Street on a weekly basis than any other transportation mode. They are trying to use this lie to encourage more bike friendly accommodations on a car-centered dream.

Bullshit Courtesy of SFMTA
Friends, this is absolute NONSENSE!!! The SFMTA is hiding the fact that every year Oprah, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Martha Stewart and countless other billionaires saddle into their cars and blast through the easy and convenient Polk speedway and bestow the residence and merchants with gifts while purchasing hundreds of millions of dollars in merchandise each year.  

"Speed trek through Polk Street?  Fuck, yes!
Gin Mansten, who owns a restaurant in the Polk, exclaimed. "I just love seeing these billionaires tear through our neighborhood!  Sure, over 130 pedestrians and bike riders have been hurt on our streets in the last several years, but when you have Martha Stewart stopping by and saying your chilled gazpacho is 'above adequate' it really brightens your day."  She also went on to say, "the real terrors here are the bikers.  If a bike lane is built here there will be nothing to stop them from their reckless and selfish ways.  Children and the elderly will cower in fear and we'll be asking ourselves. 'why did we ever choose these green painted abominations?!?'"

"When you can get through a half a mile in seconds and slam into a parking spot, it's a good thing" 
The SFMTA also doesn't disclose that bikers actually bring the Polk Street economy down because there's a direct correlation between biking and kleptomania.  Sometimes they ransack a business and bike away with all their stolen loot.  Emma Norman, Polk Street resident, exclaimed, "These bikers are worse than the Hell's Angels! They just stroll on in and act like they own the place!  If bike lanes are installed they'll just continue to loot and pillage this community!  Save the space for faster lanes and parking spaces for billionaires."

Some cop checking for cyclist prints, probably. 
Polk Street is such a wonderful place currently, that it even got the attention of billionaire Oprah Winfrey.  She even had one of her "Oprah Winfrey's Greatest Giveaways" on Polk Street which brought in more than 150 million dollars to the street in one day.  It was featured as one of the top 10 greatest moments on television.

"Look under your seats everyone, it's a key to your new Polk Street car!"
Warren Buffet stopped by a few months ago and explained, "I just love this street! The lack of pedestrian safety combined with tons of parking just make this a billionaire's dream come true.  If I see that they've taken away even one parking spot, or install a bike sharrow, that'll be the last you see my SUV and millions on Polk Street."

"I want to see a drive-thru on every block of Polk Street"
If we want to see less billionaires and more thieving bicyclists, then go ahead and install a bike lane, and improve so-called "pedestrian safety" and watch Polk Street go down the cyclist toilet.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day

DYFA Day in full swing!
It's that time of year again!  No, I'm not talking about "Take Your Idiotcycle to Work Day".  It's only a week away from "Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day" where the city devotes an entire day to encouraging exclusive single vehicle ridership to work on the streets of San Francisco.

Getting ready for the Annual Drive!

On Thursday, May 16th the annual DYFA begins! San Franciscans are encourages to ditch their walking shoes, throw away their bikes, abandon public transit, and partake in the glory of personal vehicle dominance that has been enjoyed for over a century.  Everyone is welcome, from easily distracted and inexperienced youth, multiple DUI motorists, fender benders, speed demons, to unchecked elderly drivers!  Some sidewalks and the .5% of bicycle infrastructure in the city will be removed and modified to accommodate faster driving speeds and to more free subsidized lockers for cars.

Useless sidewalks become car lockers and extra drive-able space to allow a smooth commute to work.  
Gary Rigmore, advocate for DYFA, said, "People need to be reminded that motorists aren't like walkers or bikers.  We're not mildly annoying where we could bump into you, cause some minor scuffs, or suffer some collateral damage to ourselves in the process.  We are bigger, faster, indestructible  and can KILL you."  Gary's goal is to instill the kind of fear back into the minds of pedestrians and walkers that has been chipped away with bicycle lane and pedestrian safety improvements.

The SFPD will help to block off sidewalk traffic and has sent fliers to SF residents to purchase, lease, rent or  borrow cars while the celebration takes place.  Carpooling is strongly discouraged and BART and MUNI will shut down entirely to encourage the combined million passengers to seek more independent modes of transportation.  SFPD has also been asked to be lax with speed limit enforcement, distracted drivers, and parking in bike lanes.  They assured the city that they're experts at this, with decades of topnotch experience uninforcing vehicle laws.
Sidewalks will be closed off to discourage walking and other pathetic modes of commuting. 
Fellow car advocate, blogger, and EIR molester, Bob Gunderson expressed elation. "Everyone knows I don't have to commute to a workplace, and I haven't driven a vehicle in decades, but this kind of car celebration reminds me of the way things used to be, and therefore always should be".  With tear-stained eyes,  Bob then scurried back into his house to resume his lifelong work as blogging shut-in.

Local merchants, who typically rely on foot traffic for a size-able chuck of their income, will join in by offering donuts, 60 oz. drinks and hamburgers on the urban freeways.  Many of the them plan to wear brightly colored shirts to avoid a city mandated "don't stand your ground" law passed for the celebration. The ordinance fines walkers and cyclists if they get in the way of vehicles.  Fines will also double for pedestrians that are struck by a vehicle.

Donuts will be offered to motorists, and peds will be corralled in the background so motorists can enjoy eating and driving  to work with little pedestrian distraction.  
Gary Rigmore is looking forward to the day's events.  "We really need to get the word out about car dominance.  One day a year is just not enough for this kind of celebration.  We should have one every month, or week  We also need to make sure people don't get this day confused with, say, every day."