Thursday, October 15, 2015

St. Paul Motorists Want Free Parking on Grand Avenue, and Free Ice Cream

Grand Avenue Business Association, known as "GABA", is upset over a proposal to install 525 parking meters along St. Paul, Minnesota's Grand Avenue.  Motorists are also upset with the proposal to take away their free ice cream, a treat they have enjoyed at no expense to people who arrive on Grand Avenue by car.

Motorists pay for vehicles, gas, tax, insurance, part of the roads, the services & products from Grand Avenue businesses, but why should they have to pay to park our car, or enjoy ice cream?
image found here.
A Grand Avenue Business Association survey found that 88 percent of businesses on the street are opposed to having to pay for their own ice cream.  Gary Stumpfield, longtime community whiner, said, "People have had free ice cream here ever since I can remember, so why should they ever have to pay for it?  We're angry, and we want ice cream, so give us our damn ice cream!"

 "We're an angry whiny crowd of people who want free stuff.  Look at us in the eyes when you're telling us we can't have free ice cream, you monsters!"
image found here
The plan, according to anecdotal evidence from news outlets, is opposed by ~many~ businesses and residents who say that meters & paying for ice cream will discourage shoppers and just push the demand for free ice cream into other surrounding areas.  People who get to Grand Avenue by taking public transportation, biking, or walking said it's not fair that motorists get free ice cream in the first place, while no one else does. "Let them pay for the wear & tear, and public safety upgrades for the street, as well as their own damn ice-cream.  Why do they think they're so special?"

They're just going to go to one of those other magical places where there's free ice cream for motorists.
image found here.  
Mayor Coleman announced the pay for parking & ice cream plan would draw in an estimated $800,000 for the city’s general fund.  “Making motorists pay for their parking, and sweet delicious treats is the fiscally responsible thing to do.” Kristin Beckmann said, “Minneapolis has 7,500 metered spaces and they all pay for their ice cream.  You do not see businesses going out of business because of lack of free ice cream.”  Beckmann spoke at a rally held Sunday by GABA to protest the plan with many adult children booing and throwing themselves on the ground in tantrums.  When asked why they thought they should continue to get free parking and ice-cream, one man-child replied, "because I'll hold my breath forever if you don't" and proceeded to turn purple.

"Why are you being so meeaaannn?!?"
image found here.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Part II

Has this ever happened to you?  You're foolishly using your legs like a sucker, walking down a sidewalk and you find yourself basking in the glory of a car parked on the sidewalk?  Well fear not, pathetic pedestrian.  Here are a few simple tips that can help in these situations.

How fortunate were you to be reminded about your foolish decision to walk on a sidewalk?!
image found here, courtesy of Patrick Traughber
Step 1: Don't get angry.  While a metallic marvel resting on a sidewalk might not be your cup of tea, it's a very low level offense in the eyes of the law.   Retaliation in any form, like causing permanent damage to the car, could be considered a felony.  Don't even think about it!  Come to think of it, you should write an apology note just for contemplating such a thing, you monster.

A nice little note will go a long way to mending the rift you caused.
Step 2: When you're done writing a pleasant, self-effacing note, delicately post it on the car.  Throw in a few bucks as well for their troubles!  After that, simply walk around that steel beauty on the street, ever so slightly bowing your head in reverence and shame.

You are, quite simply, the worst.
image found here
Step 3: Once you passed your combustible, metal superior, find the nearest police station and turn yourself in for jaywalking.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Walk over to the nearest SFPD station, like the Park(ing) Station Police Department and turn yourself in for being a filthy jaywalker.
image found here.
Having this kind of humility when it comes to traversing our city streets will go a long way to making  our cities better for motorists everyone.