Saturday, June 27, 2015

SFTRU's Muni Challenge - "Gunderson Gold" Winners!

Pay no attention to the people at the top.  The real winners are the supervisors who day in and day out say, "It's just easier to drive my personal car around this 50 square mile city."
image courtesy of SF (Transit Riders Union(of jerks)
The SF Transit Rider's Union came up with a deplorable challenge for our city supervisors, to take Muniserable Transit! (See what I did there?!)  The challenge ran from Monday, June 1st to Monday, June 22nd, one day for each of the years since 1993 when San Francisco voters passed Proposition AA which stated that the mayor, members of the board of supervisors and other city officials, to ride Muni at least two workdays per week.  Absurd, right?!

Thankfully, about half our supervisors barely took it at all, and a few labored to put in a pity ride at the very end to lose out on the "Gunderson Gold: Zero Muni Rides" challenge.  Fortunately there were a few well deserved awards waiting in the wings.  Supervisor Tang won out with the least Muni rides.  More people accidentally trip and fall into Muni more than Supervisor Tang took it.  Well done, Tang!
Supervisor Tang squeaked by Cohen in the final days. Malia Cohen decided to take Muni that she had "given up on years ago".  
It was a tough call on which of the six would receive the Gunderson Gold for best excuse not to "eat their own dog food" and ride Muni, but Mark Farrell won out!  Farrell's excuse was that often times he has to drive his kids to school and it's the only time he can spend quality time with them.  Because the best times in your car, driving through a pedestrian rich environment should be spent interacting with your kids!

Two Muni trips at the last minute.  Why even try riding muni with your children when you can simply spend quality time with them driving! 
And honorable mention goes to London Breed, who took three pity Muni rides, and never once took the 21 Hayes, which she recently decided to make the SFMTA keep 2 stops on the same block.

Well done London Breed!  Good thing you avoided both these stops on the same block!  Your lack of experience and attention to Muni will pay off greatly for all us motorists!
Other supervisors gave their constituents the impression that there are alternatives to the glory of driving a vehicle in a dense pedestrian rich environment.  A special boo-out goes to John Avalos, David CamposJulie Christensen, Eric Mar & Jane Kim.  You are quite simply, the. worst.

And last but certainly last, I'd like to mention Scott Wiener and his deplorably high amount of Muni Rides.  Children are going to look at this alternative transit lifestyle and think it's social acceptable.  Please, children, let Mayor Lee be your compass, and only take a politically viable amount of transit rides if you absolutely have to.
Scott Wiener giving people the impression that Muni isn't just a shame cab for poor people.
Image found here.
And to make matters worse those SFTRU gave me a mock award!  Can you believe anyone would do such a thing?

Eric Mar & SFTRU and my mock award - "You Loath me, you really loath me!"
Image courtesy of Thomas Rogers & the SFTRU
Here's to next year when we can hopefully boot out all the supervisors who have shamelessly promoted public transit in our city.  Let's ensure that San Suburbscisco stays a car first city!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Engineers Mandated to Run Famili ® Simulations on Street Designs

Street engineers have long been found to tip the scale in favor of cars over pedestrians, public transit and biking. In an effort to create more human friendly streets, cities have been forcing them to run simulations using family ® technology. 

Street engineers upload pictures of their loved ones into the Famili ® simulator to watch them navigate the streets they've created.
image found here  
"The software takes into account how many motorists text, speed and ignore stop signs & lights. It also takes into account maybe your child makes a mistake and assume the car is going to stop for them. All the data is in there," said -found the Jason Stakes. The engineer will spend hours watching cars weave in and around theire loved ones. The simulation will slow down to show them when, statistically, one of their loved ones will be mowed down because of the street design and the stark reality of motorist behavior.

DOT engineer watches a simulation of his father and three daughters crossing the street he recently designed. "It's really scary when you know 10-40% of  those motorists aren't paying attention "
Image found here
Because of Family ® technology, cities have seen a more holistic "Complete Streets" concept that incorporates more biking, public transit and road diets. Some of the engineers have left the workforce altogether claiming the Famili ® simulator is too stressful and impedes their ability to build stroads.  One Vision Zero championing mayor proclaimed,"When an engineer can come out of the simulation with dry eyes, we know we have a good design."

Cities are seeing more "complete streets" using famili ® technology
image found her and

Monday, June 1, 2015

Benevolent Cavemen Found in Park - Struggle to Understand 'DMV Bible'

Cavemen found near Lake Merced tucked away between the 9-hole golf course and the boat house.  The cavement were found to be highly intelligent and humane, which made traffic laws difficult to comprehend.
image found here.
An amazing discovery was made a few months ago in San Francisco.  Scientists found a group of cavemen that have been living in the 600 acre woods of Lake Merced park for years  After some tests, the scientists eventually brought the band of cavemen to the city who were then fostered by San Francisco missionaries.  The group was found to be highly intelligent, benevolent and quickly picked up on the language as well as the customs of the city.  There was one troublesome area though that they could not understand: traffic laws.  Because of their basic decency and humanity they were often found struck by cars.

DMV clerk Jerry Tullos sets the Merced tribe on the right path to relative safety
image found here.
The missionaries just couldn't get the Merced tribe to comply with traffic laws, and they worked with the Department of Motor Vehicles to set them on the right path to relative safety.  The cavemen asked the DMV questions about these "metal beasts" and "why they do not stop for people and allow safe passage?"  The DMV had a difficult time trying to explain that they couldn't walk anywhere they liked as they did in the woods.  Te explained that the cavemen had to wait for blinking lights and walk in special painted areas to cross.  Eventually, tired of trying to convey rules neither they nore nor the cavement could comprehend, the DMV told them in order to escape the wrath of  the "car gods" they must obey all the rules in the magical DMV book in order to live in peace. 

The Merced cavemen learn from experts about all the wonderful safety paint and blinking lights that are sure to save them from certain doom.
image found here.
It took a lot of time for the cavemen to acclimate to life on city streets.  Slowly but surely, the cavemen began following the rules of the road to the exact letter of the law, and found that they were subjected to the wrath of cars on city streets.  The cavemen asked the DMV a liteny of questions, such as "Why car god not nice to us if we follow the rules. Why car gods still honk all the time?  We stop at red light, but when green light turn car god still go? The DMV then had to explain to them that the car god's ways are often mysterious and don't always make sense, and that they have to be extra careful and follow unwritten rules that only the car god's know.  The tribe was taught that in order to thrive on the street they must be afraid and in constant fear of the car gods. 

"These car gods are angry, cruel and don't follow the rules in the DMV Bible"
This angered the Merced tribe and they started to fight back.  They were found chucking boulders and other heavy objects at cars that did not obey the rules they learned in the great DMV bible.  Eventually the police intervened and many were thrown in jail for their acts of violence.  One of the cavemen asked, "if car gods can hurt us by speeding why can't we hurt car gods?  The DMV tried to explain that when a car does something wrong it's called "an accident" and you cannot retaliate against them.  The cavemen then asked, "why so many car in city if they cause so much destruction?"  The DMV had to tell them that "cars were always here and that's just the way it is."  They also asked, "who made rules up" and questioned the rationale that "hurts our people." 

The Merced cavmen learned tough facts from the "DMV Bible":  If a car does something bad to you, you are not allowed to retaliate with equal severity.
image found here
Eventually the cavemen realized that the DMV bible was nothing but make-believe, and to make the best of the situation and surrender any recourse when a car wronged them.  Since the cavemen's IQ's were nigher than most motorists (an aggregate of 60), and they had $34 dollars they were highly qualified to receive a driver's license.  So they took a quick 10 minute driving test, answered a couple dozen questions and earned a license to operate a motor vehicle.  The tribe was now entitled to drive the beasts they once hated.  Having tried the "speeding metal cage with radio" for all of a few days, the tribe decided they wouldn't take part in "murder car" and decided they would bike and walk everywhere instead.

The cavemen find there is more safety in numbers and love it when "bicycles drive angry car out of the street"
image found here