Monday, June 1, 2015

Benevolent Cavemen Found in Park - Struggle to Understand 'DMV Bible'

Cavemen found near Lake Merced tucked away between the 9-hole golf course and the boat house.  The cavement were found to be highly intelligent and humane, which made traffic laws difficult to comprehend.
image found here.
An amazing discovery was made a few months ago in San Francisco.  Scientists found a group of cavemen that have been living in the 600 acre woods of Lake Merced park for years  After some tests, the scientists eventually brought the band of cavemen to the city who were then fostered by San Francisco missionaries.  The group was found to be highly intelligent, benevolent and quickly picked up on the language as well as the customs of the city.  There was one troublesome area though that they could not understand: traffic laws.  Because of their basic decency and humanity they were often found struck by cars.

DMV clerk Jerry Tullos sets the Merced tribe on the right path to relative safety
image found here.
The missionaries just couldn't get the Merced tribe to comply with traffic laws, and they worked with the Department of Motor Vehicles to set them on the right path to relative safety.  The cavemen asked the DMV questions about these "metal beasts" and "why they do not stop for people and allow safe passage?"  The DMV had a difficult time trying to explain that they couldn't walk anywhere they liked as they did in the woods.  Te explained that the cavemen had to wait for blinking lights and walk in special painted areas to cross.  Eventually, tired of trying to convey rules neither they nore nor the cavement could comprehend, the DMV told them in order to escape the wrath of  the "car gods" they must obey all the rules in the magical DMV book in order to live in peace. 

The Merced cavemen learn from experts about all the wonderful safety paint and blinking lights that are sure to save them from certain doom.
image found here.
It took a lot of time for the cavemen to acclimate to life on city streets.  Slowly but surely, the cavemen began following the rules of the road to the exact letter of the law, and found that they were subjected to the wrath of cars on city streets.  The cavemen asked the DMV a liteny of questions, such as "Why car god not nice to us if we follow the rules. Why car gods still honk all the time?  We stop at red light, but when green light turn car god still go? The DMV then had to explain to them that the car god's ways are often mysterious and don't always make sense, and that they have to be extra careful and follow unwritten rules that only the car god's know.  The tribe was taught that in order to thrive on the street they must be afraid and in constant fear of the car gods. 

"These car gods are angry, cruel and don't follow the rules in the DMV Bible"
This angered the Merced tribe and they started to fight back.  They were found chucking boulders and other heavy objects at cars that did not obey the rules they learned in the great DMV bible.  Eventually the police intervened and many were thrown in jail for their acts of violence.  One of the cavemen asked, "if car gods can hurt us by speeding why can't we hurt car gods?  The DMV tried to explain that when a car does something wrong it's called "an accident" and you cannot retaliate against them.  The cavemen then asked, "why so many car in city if they cause so much destruction?"  The DMV had to tell them that "cars were always here and that's just the way it is."  They also asked, "who made rules up" and questioned the rationale that "hurts our people." 

The Merced cavmen learned tough facts from the "DMV Bible":  If a car does something bad to you, you are not allowed to retaliate with equal severity.
image found here
Eventually the cavemen realized that the DMV bible was nothing but make-believe, and to make the best of the situation and surrender any recourse when a car wronged them.  Since the cavemen's IQ's were nigher than most motorists (an aggregate of 60), and they had $34 dollars they were highly qualified to receive a driver's license.  So they took a quick 10 minute driving test, answered a couple dozen questions and earned a license to operate a motor vehicle.  The tribe was now entitled to drive the beasts they once hated.  Having tried the "speeding metal cage with radio" for all of a few days, the tribe decided they wouldn't take part in "murder car" and decided they would bike and walk everywhere instead.

The cavemen find there is more safety in numbers and love it when "bicycles drive angry car out of the street"
image found here

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