Bikesore of the Week - Golden Gate Park

Disgusting bike orgy, courtesy of Golden Gate Park

Golden Gate Park hosted the "Hardly Strictly" event over the weekend, and rather than allow people to drive cars to the event like real Americans, they only allowed bikes and walking in the park.  The bikenuts parked them on a half mile stretch of asphalt that could have housed a few dozen cars.  What a total waste of space!
 

Fix Masonic, Yes! By Changing it? No!

Fix it, hell yes!  But change it in any way? Efff no!

Bike and walk nuts have been complaining about the Masonic Freeway for years, as it provides a gratuitous single vehicle drive that the likes of San Francisco has never seen.  With its luxurious 3 lane roadways and lack of pedestrian amenities, you can blast through this corridor in seconds flat!  So now, of course, Fix Masonic people want to remove this Freeway from their neighborhood.  Well, the good people at "Save Masonic" have a better way of fixing the freeway and avoiding certain doom, without even changing it!    

They suggest the following to remedy any issues anyone has been having with this freeway.  

"More trees can be planted along the sidewalk, lighting can be improved and bus shelters added"

This kind of solution would only cost about 500 dollars.  All road scientists know that more trees on the sidewalk make everything more better.

This crash involving two speeding cars would have been averted had there been more trees on Masonic's sidewalk. 

Lights also make things way better on a residential freeway.  It allows people to see when a car is speeding at you through a red light, taking an immediate U-turn, or taking a right turn at 20 miles an hour.  Pedestrians would have a much easier time getting the hell out of the way and seeking shelter behind a tree.

Where are all the lights?  This could have been avoided!  

Since the Masonic Freeway sends a ton of single rider vehicles through every day, it makes sense to dedicate a lane for residents who don't want to park in their garages.  With real estate soaring as fast as a Masonic commuter, these garages serve a critical need for storage lockers.   People can then park in front of their garage with ease.  Leave street car lockers alone, Fix Masonic!  

Vehicles on the left will have to stop blocking their garages and actually park in them.  Also, ignore that crash it will be fixed with lighting and trees.  

Clean this shit up and park in here? Are you kidding me Fix Masonic?!

It makes sense to allow this arterial connection for speeding cars, but not at all for bike nuts.  Instead of removing car lockers and adding a cycle track to help slow down traffic, there's an brilliant alternative route for people on bikes to take. Sure, some may argue it's a little confusing, but everyone knows bikers like a challenge, and after a couple dozen times you'll get used to the ups and downs, rights and lefts, turn where the old oak tree used to be,  take a right where the school burned down.  You wouldn't get this kind of adventure  with a straight shot to your destination through Masonic.  Have fun, bikers!

It's so simple! It's like Rube Goldberg created a route just for you!

So there you have it, a complete fix without having to do much changing at all!  Sure, maybe a couple people have been maimed and killed on this freeway, but if someone was on top of a building plucking off a couple people each year, would anyone really try to find the cause and stop it? Of course not, you idiot.  Hats off, Save Masonic folks, you nailed it!

I Love You Dorothy Rabinowitz!

Hates bicycles, the fascist car hating government, and quick to jump to conclusions... who needs Viagra when Dorothy's around!  

Opinion: Death by Bicycle Editorial board member Dorothy Rabinowitz on New York City’s new bike-share program.  Mmm mmm mmm....

Save Polk Street Car Domination - Road for Billionaires

While the SFMTA is claiming that only 15% of people that live and shop on Polk Street do it by cars. The rest got there by Transit, fool walking, or taking their idiotcycle. They reported that people that walk and bike actually spending more money on Polk Street on a weekly basis than any other transportation mode. They are trying to use this lie to encourage more bike friendly accommodations on a car-centered dream.

Bullshit Courtesy of SFMTA

Friends, this is absolute NONSENSE!!! The SFMTA is hiding the fact that every year Oprah, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Martha Stewart and countless other billionaires saddle into their cars and blast through the easy and convenient Polk speedway and bestow the residence and merchants with gifts while purchasing hundreds of millions of dollars in merchandise each year.  

"Speed trek through Polk Street?  Fuck, yes!

Gin Mansten, who owns a restaurant in the Polk, exclaimed. "I just love seeing these billionaires tear through our neighborhood!  Sure, over 130 pedestrians and bike riders have been hurt on our streets in the last several years, but when you have Martha Stewart stopping by and saying your chilled gazpacho is 'above adequate' it really brightens your day."  She also went on to say, "the real terrors here are the bikers.  If a bike lane is built here there will be nothing to stop them from their reckless and selfish ways.  Children and the elderly will cower in fear and we'll be asking ourselves. 'why did we ever choose these green painted abominations?!?'"

"When you can get through a half a mile in seconds and slam into a parking spot, it's a good thing" 

The SFMTA also doesn't disclose that bikers actually bring the Polk Street economy down because there's a direct correlation between biking and kleptomania.  Sometimes they ransack a business and bike away with all their stolen loot.  Emma Norman, Polk Street resident, exclaimed, "These bikers are worse than the Hell's Angels! They just stroll on in and act like they own the place!  If bike lanes are installed they'll just continue to loot and pillage this community!  Save the space for faster lanes and parking spaces for billionaires."

Some cop checking for cyclist prints, probably. 

Polk Street is such a wonderful place currently, that it even got the attention of billionaire Oprah Winfrey.  She even had one of her "Oprah Winfrey's Greatest Giveaways" on Polk Street which brought in more than 150 million dollars to the street in one day.  It was featured as one of the top 10 greatest moments on television.

"Look under your seats everyone, it's a key to your new Polk Street car!"

Warren Buffet stopped by a few months ago and explained, "I just love this street! The lack of pedestrian safety combined with tons of parking just make this a billionaire's dream come true.  If I see that they've taken away even one parking spot, or install a bike sharrow, that'll be the last you see my SUV and millions on Polk Street."

"I want to see a drive-thru on every block of Polk Street"

If we want to see less billionaires and more thieving bicyclists, then go ahead and install a bike lane, and improve so-called "pedestrian safety" and watch Polk Street go down the cyclist toilet.

Bike Punks at it again...

Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day

DYFA Day in full swing!

It's that time of year again!  No, I'm not talking about "Take Your Idiotcycle to Work Day".  It's only a week away from "Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day" where the city devotes an entire day to encouraging exclusive single vehicle ridership to work on the streets of San Francisco.

Getting ready for the Annual Drive!

On Thursday, May 16th the annual DYFA begins! San Franciscans are encourages to ditch their walking shoes, throw away their bikes, abandon public transit, and partake in the glory of personal vehicle dominance that has been enjoyed for over a century.  Everyone is welcome, from easily distracted and inexperienced youth, multiple DUI motorists, fender benders, speed demons, to unchecked elderly drivers!  Some sidewalks and the .5% of bicycle infrastructure in the city will be removed and modified to accommodate faster driving speeds and to more free subsidized lockers for cars.

Useless sidewalks become car lockers and extra drive-able space to allow a smooth commute to work.  

Gary Rigmore, advocate for DYFA, said, "People need to be reminded that motorists aren't like walkers or bikers.  We're not mildly annoying where we could bump into you, cause some minor scuffs, or suffer some collateral damage to ourselves in the process.  We are bigger, faster, indestructible  and can KILL you."  Gary's goal is to instill the kind of fear back into the minds of pedestrians and walkers that has been chipped away with bicycle lane and pedestrian safety improvements.

The SFPD will help to block off sidewalk traffic and has sent fliers to SF residents to purchase, lease, rent or  borrow cars while the celebration takes place.  Carpooling is strongly discouraged and BART and MUNI will shut down entirely to encourage the combined million passengers to seek more independent modes of transportation.  SFPD has also been asked to be lax with speed limit enforcement, distracted drivers, and parking in bike lanes.  They assured the city that they're experts at this, with decades of topnotch experience uninforcing vehicle laws.

Sidewalks will be closed off to discourage walking and other pathetic modes of commuting. 

Fellow car advocate, blogger, and EIR molester, Bob Gunderson expressed elation. "Everyone knows I don't have to commute to a workplace, and I haven't driven a vehicle in decades, but this kind of car celebration reminds me of the way things used to be, and therefore always should be".  With tear-stained eyes,  Bob then scurried back into his house to resume his lifelong work as blogging shut-in.

Local merchants, who typically rely on foot traffic for a size-able chuck of their income, will join in by offering donuts, 60 oz. drinks and hamburgers on the urban freeways.  Many of the them plan to wear brightly colored shirts to avoid a city mandated "don't stand your ground" law passed for the celebration. The ordinance fines walkers and cyclists if they get in the way of vehicles.  Fines will also double for pedestrians that are struck by a vehicle.

Donuts will be offered to motorists, and peds will be corralled in the background so motorists can enjoy eating and driving  to work with little pedestrian distraction.  

Gary Rigmore is looking forward to the day's events.  "We really need to get the word out about car dominance.  One day a year is just not enough for this kind of celebration.  We should have one every month, or week  We also need to make sure people don't get this day confused with, say, every day."

New York - City in Ruin

Everyone knows that New York was known for its fast moving traffic and generous roadways that allowed vehicles to move swiftly around to any part of the city.  In recent years, however, the biketards in New York have made it their mission to fuck up traffic for everyone!  The city currently uses 2% of it's pavement for bike lanes, which is 100% more than it should be using.  The city has been reduced from a thriving cartopia to a bike-lane dominated nightmare.  

Welcome to your fresh hell, morons.

Most New Yorkers support bike lanes and think they're good for the city.  They also think that it's "greener", reduces CO2 emissions and makes the city more livable.  Other idiots may argue that bike lanes may actually reduce congestion in the long run, anyone with half a brain knows better.    

Longtime resident, Frank Murphy, recalls, “Oh a few years ago anyone could speed around New York in minutes flat. Cars just moved through the city like a hot knife through butter.  Now it takes hours to get around, especially in rush hour.  It’s just a shame these bike lanes had to clog up traffic for our city.”

Time Square, once known for easy and speedy traffic, has turned into a congested nightmare thanks to the new green strips of bike lane.  Even walk nuts have joined this greedy and selfish act of stealing precious car lanes for urban parks and walkways.  

Traffic Hell, brought to you by pedestrians and bikers.

Tammy Nickson, one of the few owners of a car in the city anymore, said, “do you know how long it takes to drive 10 blocks to work in the morning?  I can barely text my friends and post status updates with all these pedestrians getting in the way.  Something needs to be done.”

Some New Yorkers want to bring back the good old days, and not only rescind the bike lanes, but also removed major areas of the sidewalks, so that more lanes can be added to reduce congestion. Others have toyed with the idea of turning Central Park into Central Park Freeway, where thousands upon thousands of motorists can reclaim what is rightfully theirs.  

New York's currently underutilized Central Park

Proposed Central Park Freeway

In the meantime, New Yorkers will have to endure the heart-wrenching pain of sitting in traffic while walk and bike nutjobs move around with ease.