Anyone who drives around NYC in a 2-ton metal box knows the sheer terror bicyclists brings to a dense city core. Not a day goes by without hearing about some victim who needed to go to the emergency room for “nearly hit” injuries.
Doctor looking over “nearly hit” patient’s x-ray, filled with unbroken bones and non-contusions.
With their small, light, nimble bikes propelled by their human bodies and sense of entitlement, bicyclists are a force to be reckoned with. Hospitals are filling up with “nearly missed” and “almost killed” victims by the minute. There aren’t enough hospital beds to hold everyone with theoretical injuries.
After hearing complaint after complaint from unscathed victims, NYC finally had enough and came up with an innovative approach to curing this hypothetical catastrophe.
Glen Sandstone, NYCDOT safety think tank leader explained, “We had to think to ourselves, what’s going to stop these reckless bicyclists from hitting people, falling over, getting up, mending their bones, fixing their bikes, and leaving?! That’s when we had an ‘eureka’ moment. Get these reckless bicyclists into cars!”
“Read the news and you won’t find much about motorists causing injury and death to people. If a motorists is even mentioned, usually it’s just an ‘accident’ anyway. So why not get these reckless bicyclists into cars where they’ll magically turn into patient, safety conscious, law abiding motorists?” said Glen.
The program is a simple yet a powerful tool in preventing bad bicyclist behavior by removing the source; eight pounds of aluminum and rubber. “We give bicyclists an option, you either pay the fine for rolling through a stop sign, or we exchange your bike for a 2-ton, 350 horsepower metal box. The results have been nothing short of extraordinary.”
Reckless, helmetless bicyclist gives up bike for SUV.
Model behavior exhibited once they’re put in a tinted 4-ton entertainment system.
“It’s like night and day. Once they connect with their fellow motoring community, they pick up all their responsible behaviors quickly. Former bicyclists now come to a complete stop at every single stop sign and always allow pedestrians the right of way. Don’t even get me started on stop lights! It’s as if there’s an invisible force field preventing their car from even entering a yellow light.
“The real reward is just that look in an ex-bicyclist’s face when they’re able to reconnect with humanity through the windshield of an extended cab truck”, Glen said with a tear in his eye.