Friday, August 1, 2014

Want Better Transit Options in Your City? It's Simple! Just be the Mayor!

Whenever you're stuck on a cramped bus, you're looking for a parking space, or you're bike lane is sub-par, remember it can be a lot better.  You just need to be a mayor!  Mayors get a ton of perks you may not have  considered, one of which is better transit.  Sure, you might have to bike to work once a year, or take the bus now and then for a photo-op, but fear not.  You'll probably have your own private car paid for by the city, and even your own chauffeur.  You know, because you're super important and can't operate the way regular people do in the city.  You're the major and you made a lot of crazy wild promises to get there, so treat yourself right!

As Mayor you might have to bike once a year, but the rest of the time you can text and drive.  Is anyone going to indict a mayor when you own the police department?  *wink
image found here and here.  
But the perks don't stop there!  You'll also have the opportunity to park wherever the hell you want!  Park in crosswalks, bus stops, and even in traffic lanes!  Worried you'll get a ticket?  Well even if you do just use your mayoral might and have the ticket person reprimanded and also as an added bonus, have the tickets magically whisked away with your mayoral wand!

Crosswalks are for little people, and mayoral parking.  Going to do something about it?  Didn't think so!
image found here.
Even if you don't live in the Bay Area you're sure to enjoy many of these perks.  Some deputy members even enjoy the perks of drunk driving on occasion.  You can even yell at bikers and tell them to get the hell off your road.  If you're up in Toronto you can even pantomime drunk driving when you're at your job like Rob Ford.  Be free to mix and match, be creative.  After all, you're the goddamn mayor!

Mayor Lee leaving a photo-op and jumping out of the Gross People's Cab for dear life!
image found here.  
Best of all, you're removed from all the headaches of plebeian transport.  Your car-centric view of transportation will make city transit decisions far easier.  You can repeal parking fees on Sundays since you empathize with motorists.  You can also rescind support for a local VLF tax to support transportation funding your own task-force approved.  How about punish any Supervisor that tries to increase funding using general funds.  Sure, maybe this will lead to some horrible transportation choices for idiots that don't own a private vehicle.  Don't worry though, since you're the mayor you'll never be forced to eat your own dog food.

"Bicycles are pain in my fat car driving ass"

3 comments:

  1. HAHA I love it! You should write for Streetsblog!

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  2. At least Scott Wiener "eats his own dog food" and takes muni. he's griping about it on twitter

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  3. They're actually supposed to take transit twice a week and feel the pain of us regular folks. http://www.sfexaminer.com/sanfrancisco/time-to-tie-pay-to-munis-on-time-performance/Content?oid=2866417

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