National Crisis - Hospitals Filled With Bicyclist inflicted "Near Misses"

There's a crisis brewing across the nation.   It affects people in cities, suburbs and even rural America. They're struggling to deal with the staggering amount of "near misses" caused by people on bikes every day.  These tragedies usually happen when a biker rides a few feet near a person, only to be screamed at due to the obvious death and injury they might cause.  The results of such an altercation can be catastrophic.

One of many hospitals across the U.S. filled with bicycle "near misses"
image found here.

No one really knows how often these tragedies strike, but most likely over of 30,000 a year.  The National Journal of Anecdata speculates that it's even more lethal than terrorists, sharks and serial killers.  Doctors have been overwhelmed with the sheer number of patients walking into the hospitals. They're also dumbfounded as how to deal with these debilitating "nearly hit" injuries. Some have called into question whether bicycling should be outlawed to stop the spread of near misses.

Doctor looking over "nearly hit" patient's x-ray, filled with unbroken bones and non-contusions.
image found here. 

While doctors across the country search for a cure to "near misses", police are hitting the streets to stop this scourge before it even happens.  The San Francisco Park Station Police Department has ramped up enforcement of laws that logically apply to nimble, lightweight non-motorized "vehicles".  The SFPD Park Station said at a recent meeting, "The damage that a car inflicts is far worse than what a bike can do, but we get the most complaints about bicyclists," undoubtedly the result of debilitating bicycle "near misses".  One resident, Meg Rosenfeld, suggested they should "Shoot the bicyclists" in order to right these cyclist wrongs.

While there's currently no way to tally, prevent and predict all the near misses around the country, city governments will continue to crack down on the behavior.  This troubling epidemics has made some people even question seemingly benign events like "Sunday Streets" where bicyclists mix with and undoubtedly terrorize pedestrians.  Statistics on the bloodshed and terror haven't been disclosed, as if they don't even exist.  The police department won't let statistics deter them and plan on cracking down on the event in the near future.  "If we can get even one reckless bicyclist off the street and into an SUV, we've done our job", said one officer.

Sunday Streets: Bikers wreaking havoc in SF, ignoring stop signs and lights which are undoubtedly the leading causes of "near miss" casualties.
image found here.

Behold - The Unparalleled Beauty of Car Ownership!

*tear

SFPD Citing Bikers - "Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel"

Ticketing a biker is just this easy.
Image found here

The San Francisco Police Department has a limited amount of time and resources, and they're using it to tackle some of the big issues in the city; issues like Chess players on Market Street, enforcing dog bans in parks, and most importantly, busting bikers.

Deputy Kent exclaimed, "We're tired of trying to catch motorists speeding, illegal U-turns, running red lights, and endangering pedestrians and cyclists.  We heard that some bikes are strolling through stop signs at a couple miles an hour and we thought to ourselves, 'this is going to be easy!'"

Cop nestled into a bike lane to easily ticket a biker.
Image found here.

SFPD started the FIAB campaign when they realized they could catch bikers by walking, a light run, or in some cases, driving a block to ticket them.  "These people are pretty much endangering themselves, and that's just unacceptable to the SFPD for, reasons."

We also need to enforce the idea that these mechanical pedestrian extensions are a danger to society.  "I know people get this idea from Denmark and The Panhandle that bikers and pedestrians can coexist without stop signs and stop lights, but this is America!" said Kent.

Cop Ticketing Jaywalker for endangering his life because, "We care? *wink*  and it's super easy"
Image found here.

If the "Fish In A Barrel" program is a success, the SFPD hopes to completely abandon the little time they spend enforcing motorist laws and focus on Jaywalkers, texting pedestrians, and ticketing old and handicapped people who can't make it through the crosswalk in time.  "Even though motorists kill, maim, and destroy, it's just so much easier for my crew to catch people endangering themselves instead."

The Netherlands' bullshit idea that bikes and people can coexist in peace, rainbows. and unicorns