"Everyone Plays a Part in Chainsaw Safety"

"Everyone plays a part in chainsaw safety, from the people wielding chainsaws, to the people scurrying in fear around chainsaws."
image found here

A century honored tradition of wielding chainsaws in the city may soon come to an end if an anti-chainsaw measure passes in San Francisco, which bans chainsaws in the city altogether.  The move has chainsaw enthusiasts and merchants alike fuming over such a measure.  

Penny Southerland, longtime chainsaw aficianado, screamed, "The streets of San Francisco were made for chainsaws.  They were here ever since I can remember!  I can't believe someone would have the audacity to tell me I can't run around with my chainsaw in the city anymore.  If people just watch where they're going, wear helmets & high-viz clothing, there won't be a problem.  It's unfair to blame everyone with chainsaws for chainsaw injuries.  Everyone plays a part in chainsaw safety."

Chainsaw merchants say it's only coincidence that people running through the city with chainsaws contributed to the uptick in chainsaw injuries & deaths. 

But "anti-chainsaw" advocates see things differently and blame the increase in chainsaw deaths and injuries squarely on the people who have chainsaws.  Teddy Wilshire exclaimed, "It's nuts that you would allow a dangerous piece of metal around the city.  It's not just the danger posed by the swift moving blades.  It's also the fumes that spew out from those metal death machines.  Take your chainsaw into an area where there aren't a lot of people around.  Why is it that crazy to think we can move through the city without chainsaws?"

Randy has been wielding a chainsaw on Market Street ever since he can remember, and he's not about to stop "just because some idiot hurts themself on my chainsaw."
image found here

Randy Smith, head of the "San Francisco City Chainsaw League" said,"It's my God given right to juggle chainsaws while running through downtown.  It's my preferred method of travel.  People just need to make sure to educate themselves and their children to watch for people with chainsaws.  It's about mutual respect.  Besides, if you don't want someone coming at you with a chainsaw, travel around with a chainsaw, for safety."

City officials have been reluctant to ban chainsaws in the city outright, and opted for signs and paint to help designate chainsaw and non-chainsaw zones.  They've also started campaigns to educate people about the importance of safety near people who are operating chainsaws.  SF's chainsaw safety czar said, "it's really about how to place legal blame on people who hurt others with a chainsaw, and the people who hurt themselves on someone's chainsaw.  The city also started a "Vision Zero" campaign to end all chainsaw deaths by 2024.

Signs, paint and lights will help delineate between someone 'accidentally' being struck by a chainsaw, and those who were distracted and simply "asking for it".
image found here

Thanks to SharrowsDC for the inspiration. 

Mayor Lee Finally Announces More Vision Zero Talk Without Action

San Francisco, CA — There have been seven deaths this year compared with just one during the first 10 weeks of 2015, and seven during the same period in 2014.  After months and months of street carnage, Mayor Lee finally reiterated the City of San Francisco’s commitment to only talk about ending traffic fatalities and begged the public to be nicer to vulnerable road users.

“Our community is committed to look like we’re achieving Vision Zero by placing signs, painting lines, and begging the hordes of SF drivers to follow laws with few real penalties,” said Mayor Lee, who oversees the San Francisco Police Department. “The slew of tragedies remind us that we have no rules in place to prevent these fatalities from happening, or substantially penalizing motorists when they do happen, and that we’re perfectly okay with that. We’ll put up bigger signs, more infrastructure that relies on enforcement and motorists to behave, and that will suffice.” 

Market Street where red lights are simply no-no's.

The City of San Francisco has pretended to be committed to Vision Zero, adopting the goal of ending traffic fatalities and serious injuries. Our unique Vision Zero approach says that if we add signs, paint lines around San Francisco's street freeways, it's all going to work out. We’ll also continue to enshrine free & cheap parking as we continue to feel like we’re doing something great without sabotaging our political relationships with merchants and religious organizations.

Saturday & Sunday "Vision Zero" double parking.

Lee had no further comment before scurrying back into his office away from the public, only stating, “It’s getting tougher to fool the city into thinking we actually care about Vision Zero when the fatality count continues to climb and we turn a blind eye to things like Sunday (and now Saturday) double parking, but we have a few more tricks up our sleeves and we’ll be getting to work on that soon.”

Special thanks to Fake Mayor Harlie Cales for the "press release".

Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Market Street Edition

For anyone who's foolishly walked down San Francisco's "iconic" Market street, they know it wasn't meant for pedestrians.  It was designed for hordes of combustible speeding metal boxes.  With the wide 3-5 car lanes intersecting at nearly every block, it's easy to realize if you're traversing by foot, you simply don't matter.

Fear not, pedestrian weirdo! Here are some simple tips to navigating Market street while using your legs like a sucker. 

Market Street wasn't designed for bipedal movement, silly.
image found here.

Step 1:  Wait until the space is de-criminalized to pedestrians.  

Wondering where this particular street is?  Let's just say it's at the cross street of Market & Everywhere Ave, or Market & Always Ave.  This is a minutely occurrence that you will just have to deal with, because the SFMTA sure as hell isn't.  You'll get your chance to legally cross for a few seconds just be patient.

Remember to wait your turn, pedestrians!  This space will be de-criminalized for a few seconds to let you scurry through in fear.

Step 2: You have the right-of-way, but does that really matter?  Of course not!  

The space might legally be yours now, but tell that to math and geometry.  The city was designed for these contraptions, not for legs.  You would be foolish to try and cross.  How about you just wait until the next rotation, buddy.

Downtown SF was designed for metal beasts, not squishy bipedal humans.  Just wait longer.

Step 3: Don't chance it.  Wait until the next signal.  

Another horde of motorists will blast through this luxurious autobahn yet again, so just wait a bit longer.  You might want to look around for a police officer, but most likely they're in a speeding metal box as well.  After all, this is a "Traffic first city."

Covering your nose and mouth won't save you from the daily exhaust and pollution created in our fair city.  

Step 4. Give up!

Your ability to cross Market street won't get any better.  Do you really want to risk crossing?  Why not just pack it up and go home?  Let that be a lesson to you.  You and your legs aren't wanted in downtown SF.

Hug your loved ones and watch the beautiful sea of cars on what is every cross street of Market.   Discuss what a foolish endeavor it was to try and navigate the downtown core by foot.  Then go home.

Don't worry though, there are traffic cops paid to sit by and watch you flirt with danger.

Biking on Market Street to be Featured on American Ninja Warrior

Are you ready to have an exciting bike ride down Market Street?  Keep your eyes peeled you might see a bike sharrow somewhere along the path!
Image found here, here, and here.

Thousands of people take to Market Street by bike every day, despite the fact that it has every conceivable pitfall a biker could ever face.  Some do it purposefully since every mode of transit is slow as hell and it's the "lesser of the evils".  Other people simply don't know any better and assume a market street that caters to over 100,000 people a day would be bike friendly.  Tourist Kent Wentson said, "Yeah so our family came to San Francisco and we saw all these Bike Share bikes everywhere and so we thought we would give them a spin and go down the city's quiet, pedestrian and bike friendly market street.  Boy were we ever wrong!"

The television show American Ninja Warrior heard about a heavily biked street with absolutely no dedicated lanes for a mile and a half, they quickly realized it would make their most daunting course to date.

Contestants will run over to grab their Bike Share bikes, conveniently located between car parking and double parked cabs.

They will then try and avoid the dreaded cable car tracks.   If you make it past, get ready for cars that might, or might not, swing left!  If it's a cab just assume they are going to cut you off, or worse.

The show's producer said, "We couldn't believe that so many people would bike down a market street given that it's pretty much a huge F U to anyone who needs to bike to work.  And what's with all the cars on it?  This couldn't be much worse if the city intentionally made it that way.  It literally has all the markings of one hell of a Ninja Warrior course"

Weaving around buses, avoiding speeding cars, and fun little landmines like these cheese-grater things
that are sure to take out an American Ninja Warrior.

"It's all so exciting and you never know what it's going to be like.  Maybe there will be a slew of delivery trucks in your way, or a cab doing a u-turn.  No matter what you will find yourself choosing between a variety of pitfalls.  I mean seriously, who came up with this street design and why do they hate bicyclists so much!?!"

Do they choose between bus exhaust or getting squished?

If contestants assume cars are going to stop when they're legally required to, they'll lose big-time.

Once they get to around 6th and Market Street you're almost in the clear!  Eventually there's green paint and almost enough room to feel safe around speeding cars.
image found here.

The producers of America Ninja Warrior haven't gotten a lot of people to sign up because of the extensive legal wavers.  "The fact that we're legally required to call it the 'Urban Death Hole Course' certainly didn't help matters." Producers have expressed other frustrations. "There aren't a lot of people who are going to bike down Market Street just to win $500,000."

Restore Car Balance Billionaires Also "Restoring Art Balance"

What's missing from all this art in San Francisco's iconic areas?  #RestoreArtBalance
Left Image found here. Middle: here.  Right: here.

The wonderful people at Restore Car Balance have been jumping for joy in their vehicles as of late, as they received all the signatures they need to get "Restore Balance" on the initiative. The initiative will help car owners, especially billionaires, drive around San Francisco easier and find free, plentiful, parking everywhere in the city.  The measure will also help make single vehicle ownership more appealing to San Franciscans as well, which in turn will somehow all work out in the best interests of motorists, pedestrians, cyclists, and public transit.

The Restore Car Balance does understand though that there's a definite image problem with cars.  Some people might look at vehicles as a barrier in tight-knit cities with a finite supply of land.  Others look at vehicles as a danger on pedestrian/cyclists rich streets, and a blight on the city's landscape.  This is very apparent in the art that we see in many of the iconic areas of San Francisco, and why the same group will "Restore Art Balance".

"Vehicles can add to the beauty and charm of San Francisco's well known streets"
original image found here

Greg Winkle, spokesman for the group, had this to say, "It's very clear to us when you look at pictures of the Golden Gate, Lombard Street, and other well known pathways in San Francisco, is that they are sorely missing vehicles.  It's almost as if they're not wanted. We want to re-energize the public and build a hearty appetite for vehicles in the city."

"Is there anything more breathtaking than a family weaving through a horde of cars on Lombard Street?"
original image found here.

Greg says he's had no issues recruiting talent for this initiative, since he's backed by a slew of billionaires that really "have a boner for private cars and free public parking".  He hopes that once the public sees cars in a more positive, artistic light, they will warm up to having them more than just everywhere.

"We want 'cArt' to make SF citizens, and visitors, to think 'how amazing it would be to be part of that traffic'"

original image found here.

Greg says even though the art isn't selling, at all, it wont stop them for commissioning a second batch since the tech money will continue to flow.  Their second commission will feature the Ocean Beach parking lot, 280 Freeway stub, and pictures of Mayor Lee's Chevy Volt in bus stops, traffic lanes and crosswalks.  The paintings are currently valued at less than $10, but there is some speculation those prices may double over the next few years."

Dustin White: SF Transportation Planner - Biker Dirtbag of the Month

Dustin White - Popping a Wheelie while thinking of ways to ruin traffic in San Francisco.
Photography: Ted Ketai // Website: Scout Studio

Did you know that Dustin White, one of the transportation planners for the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency... wait for it... owns a bike?!? (and a car)  Did you know this chump only has multiple degrees in city planning, transportation engineering, and civil engineering?!?  He doesn't even have the decades of experience in dish washing and blogging that you've come to expect from a legitimate authority in urban street design!  In a shocking revelation, Dustin actually admitted on the Internet that, "In 2004 I bike toured with my mom from Montreal to the coast of Maine. Thanks mom!" was one of his most memorable moments.  Do you need any more proof that he's deranged cyclist with a radical agenda to change a fraction of the 2600 streets in San Francisco?

This cyclist dirtbag even takes credit for working on a "low-cost" project (a percentage of the 3 million dollars allocated for city bike projects from 2011-2013) that added bike lanes to a portion of Market Street that is now one of the most heavily traveled bike routes in the US.  People now make around 6,000 cycling trips daily through Market Street; a corridor that really should only be accessible to lost and confused tourists, and motorists who want to drive in the bus only lane.  He's probably one of those nuts that wants to make city traffic "calmer" and "safer" in San Francisco for pedestrians, too.

Only 23,225 trips a day from 4:30 pm to 6:30 pm counted at 51 intersections?  Thanks for nothing, Dustin!
info and picture found here.

These kind of statistics really makes you wonder how the city can justify spending .000625% of the city's annual budget on bicycle safety and improvement projects.  It only benefits the 43% of voters who already bike, and 2/3rds of voters who want better bike lanes in San Francisco.  It's a real head scratcher.

If we want infrastructure that doesn't cater exclusively to cars, then let's continue to keep these crazed dirtbag biker planners like Dustin White, with their fancy shmancy degrees, and their multi-mode transportation experience, in City Hall.  Everyone with half a brain knows that we should rely solely on highway engineers from the 50's to build our San Francisco Streets.  I, for one, say, "Suck it, Dustin!"

Superpro Cycling Extremist and Lunatic Civil Engineer Dustin shown speeding away from his common sense.
Image found here.

Don't Bike to Work Day - May 6th!

These bad boys are staying put today for the annual "Don't Bike to Work Day"
image found here.  

Everyone by now knows that May 8th is San Francisco's official "Bike to Work Day", but people might not know that May 6th is "Don't Bike to Work Day" when over 24,000 people who would otherwise bike to work, decide to take other slower and more expensive modes of transport.  Regular cyclist commuter, Dutch Johnson, standing awkwardly in a Muni bus with a elbow in his face, commented, "this is a good day for cyclists to remember how terrible commuting can actually be".  Muni already has an overburdened system and today the extra passengers pushed it to the tipping point.  

Muni riders trying to figure out what the shit is going on today and why they can't fit into their already crammed bus.
Images found here and here.  

Muni wasn't the only overburdened transit system today.   Market street and all of the surrounding streets were heavily congested since 3000 cyclists were replaced with mostly motorists.  Cars were spilling into the bus only lanes and stopping in the crosswalks, causing headaches to pedestrians.  Sandra Miney said, "This is an absolute nightmare down here. What a stupid thing for the cyclists to do!  What were they thinking!?"   

Randy Fitzgerald drove his car through downtown and was fortunate enough to find a parking, garage with capacity.  "I nearly forgot that I could spend 20 minutes driving my car 4 miles downtown through Market Street and pay $40 dollars to park".  Other people weren't fortunate to find parking as all the parking garages filled up before 10 am.  

"Good luck, they're all taken!"
image found here.

There were Don't Bike to Work Day "Aggravation Stations" all over the city for the event.  Pedestrians were given reflective gear so they were seen by more angry frustrated drivers.  They were also given plenty of water so they were hydrated when screaming at motorists pulling dumb moves like U-turns, fast bursts of angered speed through red lights and stopping in the crosswalks.  Motorists were also given Xanax and calming teas so they could finish their commute with a few nerves left in them.  

All in all Don't Bike to Work Day was a huge success thanks to the cyclists that gave up their easy, inexpensive, and congestion free commute.  Helmets off to everyone and here's to an even bigger, more crowded, nightmare next year!

"I hate you all!!!
image found here.