Reckless Bicyclists Offered Chance at Redemption With Car Exchange Program

https://bobgunderson.tumblr.com/post/161703640248/reckless-bicyclists-offered-chance-at-redemption

Anecdata like this cannot be ignored any longer  https://twitter.com/bkerogers/status/873717223117946880

Anyone who drives around NYC in a 2-ton metal box knows the sheer terror bicyclists brings to a dense city core.  Not a day goes by without hearing about some victim who needed to go to the emergency room for “nearly hit” injuries. 

Doctor looking over “nearly hit” patient’s x-ray, filled with unbroken bones and non-contusions.

With their small, light, nimble bikes propelled by their human bodies and sense of entitlement, bicyclists are a force to be reckoned with.  Hospitals are filling up with “nearly missed” and “almost killed” victims by the minute.  There aren’t enough hospital beds to hold everyone with theoretical injuries.

After hearing complaint after complaint from unscathed victims, NYC finally had enough and came up with an innovative approach to curing this hypothetical catastrophe. 

Glen Sandstone, NYCDOT safety think tank leader explained, “We had to think to ourselves, what’s going to stop these reckless bicyclists from hitting people, falling over, getting up, mending their bones, fixing their bikes, and leaving?!  That’s when we had an ‘eureka’ moment.  Get these reckless bicyclists into cars!” 

“Read the news and you won’t find much about motorists causing injury and death to people.  If a motorists is even mentioned, usually it’s just an ‘accident’ anyway.  So why not get these reckless bicyclists into cars where they’ll magically turn into patient, safety conscious, law abiding motorists?” said Glen.

The program is a simple yet a powerful tool in preventing bad bicyclist behavior by removing the source; eight pounds of aluminum and rubber.  “We give bicyclists an option, you either pay the fine for rolling through a stop sign, or we exchange your bike for a 2-ton, 350 horsepower metal box.  The results have been nothing short of extraordinary.”  

Reckless, helmetless bicyclist gives up bike for SUV.

Model behavior exhibited once they’re put in a tinted 4-ton entertainment system. 

“It’s like night and day.  Once they connect with their fellow motoring community, they pick up all their responsible behaviors quickly.  Former bicyclists now come to a complete stop at every single stop sign and always allow pedestrians the right of way.  Don’t even get me started on stop lights! It’s as if there’s an invisible force field preventing their car from even entering a yellow light.

“The real reward is just that look in an ex-bicyclist’s face when they’re able to reconnect with humanity through the windshield of an extended cab truck”, Glen said with a tear in his eye. 

Wigg Party Plans "Wiggle Stop-In" to do What Most Vehicles Cannot: Obey All Traffic Laws

These vehicles are bound to the same traffic laws, for, you know, "safety".

Despite the study that suggests bicyclists and motorists ignore traffic laws at the same rate, the Wigg Party wants to gather a large group of bikers on Wednesday for a "Wiggle Stop-In".  The party plans to ride back and forth on the Wiggle/Lower Haight and accomplish what most people driving vehicles largely cannot, obey all traffic laws.

The Wigg Party wrote on their Facebook event page,“We want to make the point that, in fact, requiring cyclists to come to full stops at every stop sign is a really terrible idea for everyone on the road.”  They intend to prove a point that bikers do what is in their best interest as well as the interest of moving traffic.  By riding their bikes single file, coming to a complete stop any time a pedestrian has stepped one foot into the crosswalk, they believe they'll show the absurdity of the law and jam up traffic.  This will undoubtedly anger motorists who value their time and sometimes follow the laws themselves.

The Wigg Party also plans to avoid other vehicle behavior:

• Scream honking noises when a biker in front of them does something they object to.
• Leave their bike in a bus lane or middle of the street while they stop into a cafe for a coffee.
• State that pedestrians deserve to be struck if they're not in the crosswalk.
• Demand the city provide 153 square feet of on-street space for each bicycle.
• Demand that bike lanes are engineered as a priority on every street throughout San Francisco. 
• Block crosswalks/intersections to shave a few seconds off a commute.
• Flaunt the speed limit.

Wigg Party wont ask to "Get rid of those other racks and GIVE US OUR GOD-GIVEN SPACE!!!
image found here.

Bikers obeying traffic laws that were meticulously thought out for both high velocity, 2-ton vehicles as well as 15 pound non-motorized vehicles, is sure to please the SFPD Park Station Police Department, which has begun complaint driven cracking down on "reckless" cyclists.

The event is set to take place Wednesday, July 29th, from 5:30 pm - 6:30 pm.  The bicycle inflicted injury and death count is expected to plummet from "extremely rare", to,"extremely rare".