Nanny State Laws Enacted for Cyclists and Basketball Players

In Steve Rubenstein's punny article "Some bicyclists are hardheaded about mandatory-helmet law" (did you get that part, hardheaded?! Hahahaha *wipes tear)  he goes to great lengths to show how foolish someone would be if they didn't wear a helmet leisurely riding a bicycle in a city.   He doesn't address ~probably~ fictional places like "Malmö" where there are allegedly 310 miles of dedicated bike lanes that are separated by a divider and up a level from car traffic. In the 10 years from 2003 to 2012, the city has seen only 16 cyclists killed in an accident involving a car.

Where are your bike helmets Malmo?  You don't even really exist!
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Steve' and his group Citizens Advocating Reasonable Suggestions ('C.A.R.S') say, "Getting a helmet onto a grown-up bicyclist’s head isn’t a no-brainer, even though the saving of brains is the idea." Oh god did he just say that?!  Brilliant!  Read the entire article for a whole slew of zingers like this.  Steve gleefully avoids discussing other weird countries that don't have the same kinds of problems that the United States has with cyclists for some unknown reason.

I don't care if bikers have an incredibly low injury and fatality rate Amsterdam!  You should go to jail for not wearing a helmet!!!
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Officials began to realize that it's a lot easier to enact nanny state laws and blame everything on helmets than to build infrastructure.  "Helmets are an inexpensive way of putting the onus on the person who got struck by a 2 ton vehicle traveling at high speeds" said Sergent Gary Walker, as he sped off in his tank-like cop car.  

Bicycle advocates, and anyone who understands simple statistics, warned that helmets could actually have an adverse affect on cycling safety.  They cited several articles that showed the more bikers who were out on the streets, the safer they became, so helmets could actually reduce the amount of people biking on the streets and make everyone less safe. They also said that if we're going to make cyclists wear helmets then why not make basketball players, since the sport is the most dangerous in the country.

Just put a helmet on it, duh.

Concerned mothers and aunts soon began asking "why are WE THE TAXPAYERS paying for this special interest groups private playgrounds? The basketball courts put in public parks take away parking AND have to be paid for by funds that the BASKETBALL PLAYERS won't chip in for!?! The basketball lobby clearly has infiltrated parks & rec departments all across the county! How many basketball injuries go unreported each year? ITS THE NUMBER THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!"

As soon as officials heard this information, they immediately called for helmets to be worn by every basketball player.  Anyone found not wearing a helmet would be a charged $200 fine.  Basketball players have not taken these suggestions very well and said that it would make people less inclined to play basketball.  Some basketball fans have cried out that they don't want to see their favorite player in a helmet.

Oh enjoy the novelty now, but these will be mandatory soon!
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News of this reached all the way up to the NBA, which then issued a statement in retaliation. Hey, did you know"35,200 people died in US traffic accidents, plus there were about 3.8 million crash injuries requiring medical attention."  If you think that basketball or even cycling injuries is a big deal, how are you even allowing people to drive, much less without helmets?"

The best way to prevent a fraction of the 35,000 deaths in the United States? More like nanny state bullshit!
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"C.A.R.S" lashed out saying, "this ridiculous burden on motorists would be difficult to enforce and would lead to a lot of unnecessary citations."  They also claimed that this might turn more people off to driving if they're forced to wear a helmet, and what would they do then?!  C.A.R.S. made more reasonable suggestions, like mandatory helmets for pedestrians and banning them from most city "stroads".  

Officials Send Strong Message to Motorists: 'Don't be Drunk When You Drive Like a Drunk'

Driver who sped and killed was checked for drugs and alcohol, then sent on her merry way.  This sends a clear message: Don't be drunk, because you could have done the thing you just did, drunk.
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Over 30,000 people in the United States perish as a result of auto crashes, and one third of those accidents are the result of drunk driving.  The other two-thirds are the result of behaving drunk while driving.  Police all over the country test people after they've been involved in crashes to send a strong message,"if you recklessly speed, run through a red light, or otherwise endanger pedestrians, you better not be drunk when you do it."

Driver jumps a curb and hits five children near Queens School, gets a breathalyzer.  He didn't have any alcohol in his system when he disregarded the safety of others.  No charges.
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San Francisco makes certain their reckless drivers are sober.  Evidence supported that Muzaffar was completely sober when he was checking his phone and making a fast right turn in his SUV, failing to yield to 3 people, killing 1 and seriously injuring the others. Investigators found there was no cause for charging Muzaffar with gross negligence as a felony, because he wasn't intoxicated.   So the lesson is clear, don't be drunk when you behave drunk or you'll pay dearly.

Muzaffar is very lucky to have been driving recklessly and without any care to the personal well-being of others, sober, or he could have gotten a worse sentence.
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All over the country, Police, District Attorneys and Judges are working tirelessly to make the streets free of impaired motorists.  They hope that some day we'll live in a world where we're only struck and killed by impatient and distracted drivers who are fully aware of what they're doing, and get away scot-free.  

Bob Gunderson's Street Breakdown

Everything you wanted to know about streets but were too dumb to ask.

♫ The Twelve Lanes of Grinchmas ♫

♫ On the 12th lane of Grinchmas Bob Grincherson sent to me ♫

♫ Twelve bumpers bumping ♫

♫ Eleven pedestrians passing ♫

♫ Ten tracks a tripping ♫

♫ Nine Taxis swerving ♫

♫ Eight maids a metering ♫

♫ Seven turns sans signal ♫

♫ Six obese a parking ♫

♫ Five drivers texting ♫

♫ Foooour hoooonking caaaars ♫

♫ Three potholes ♫

♫ Two doors ajar ♫

♫ And a duuuumpster in a biiiike laaaane ♫

Stockton Pedestrian Plaza Completely Ruins Holidays & Local Businesses

A teenager sneers at the AstroTurf and then tells his mom he wishes he was adopted

The Pedestrian Plaza was supposed to be all fun and games and a "relief from cars", but it's done nothing but tear apart families, ruin children's dreams, and tank the Disney, Apple and Ferrari stores.

Visitors from all parts of the world used to come to Stockton street to enjoy the three lanes of traffic forking out onto a pedestrian heavy market street.  Tourist's jaws dropped as they saw the green abomination.  One asked what happened to the "Detroitesque area near the clusterf*ck of cars around Union Square parking lot?"

"Where the hell is Stockton Street? What am I supposed to tell them huh? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM??!"

Jack, holding his two teary eyed children, exclaimed, "My two kids were so excited when I told them we would be in a car blasting down Stockton Street, and now we can't even do that?  They've been saving up their change for gas money and talked about it every day since July.  And now we come to this green AstroTurf nightmare? You ruined my children's Christmas, San Francisco."

Nothing says the holidays better than two ton machines coasting down towards Market Street!

The economic effects of the Pedestrian Plaza have rippled through downtown SF.  All the stores on Stockton never realized how much they rely on motorist pavement to sustain their businesses.  The Apple store now sees a few patrons every day.  The line of people waiting for the release of the iPhone 7 has completely dispersed. 

Apple store employees hoping to hear patrons and the rush car traffic again soon.
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The damage has been so catastrophic that Apple and Farari stock has plummeted every day since the "Winter Wonderland" was installed.  Market analysts have been panning the stock which is now at "junk" status.  With company stock now worth pennies on the dollar, company board members are hoping they can at least recoup some profit, though they might likely break even with transaction costs.

Apple's stock was humming along just fine until the "Winter Wonderland" plaza was installed.  

The parent corporations have decided to shutter these locations in favor of new stores in upscale sprawl neighborhoods in Detroit and Las Vegas and Phoenix where free storefront parking is abundant.  Mayor Lee has since responded to the criticism and vowed to "Never thrust this car-less nightmare on the good people of San Francisco again."

Mayor Lee trying to console a angry mob of motorists who just want the good old days when you could weave around pedestrians and angrily look for free parking.

Lego and Playmobil Release "Riding a Bike in the City" Play-sets - Paramedics Included!

Kids Gotsta Learn.  Until you own a car you will never be safe.

Lego and Playmobil sign on with SMAC (Speeding Motorists Against Cyclists) to bring your kids their City series of toys! Featuring "Riding a bike in the city." Yes, BOTH play-sets feature an ambulance and paramedics arriving to cart the City Cyclist off to the hospital. We spoke to the designers of the play-sets for a closer look. 

"You'll notice that the cyclist is there alone, with no car or truck toy included. That because we believe that most biking accidents are 'solo falls'", Danish toy designer Robban Andreessen told us. "We here at Lego had an anonymous tip sent in about the vast conspiracy to under-report solo falls, as the leading cause of deaths among cyclists." He went on to say "We wanted to ingrain in children the belief that cycling is not only scary, it's downright dangerous and that nobody should ever try it. That's where these play sets come in. As the child builds the toy, the child is also building within himself the realization that driving a car is the only way to avoid becoming a victim."

"Now do you see why mommy and daddy threw your bicycles into that ravine?"

Other playsets planned for the series include "Free parking places for everyone right outside their favorite stores" and "Yelling loudly over others at public meetings to get your way." Andreessen told us that all three sets will be available in time for this holiday shopping season. 

Prop L Losers Seek Street Compromise: "Dig Pedestrian Tunnels Throughout SF"

How can we make pedestrians safer with two ton steel demons clogging the roads?  Prop T has a solution!
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Former supporters of Prop L have been looking for areas to compromise with the large, overwhelming majority of people who want better transit and safer biking and walking in SF. Recently the group came up with an "innovative proposition" similar to Prop L that should appeal to everyone.  After a 30 minute discussion, the group came up with "Prop T: Tunnels for Pedestrians". Supporters claim it 'will help create a "network of pedestrian tunnels to scurry safely under the glut of angry motorist traffic in the city."

Motorist group proposes tunnels like this all around the city to "kindly get the hell out of our way"
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One Prop T supporter said he understands the issues pedestrians have and that it's best if they get "swept under the rug of the city".  When asked about the high costs involved with pedestrian tunnels he cheerfully replied, "We can find considerable cost savings if we make the tunnels three feet high and barely lit.  The whole thing could cost a couple million dollars, or even less.  And isn't that a small price to pay for getting the hell out of motorist's way?" The group also thinks that "natural selection will work out the kinks" and pedestrian's spines, skin and eyes will eventually adapt to tunnels.  "Eventually they come to enjoy these tunnels, especially when we make it illegal for pedestrians to cross all above ground 'motorways'".

Eventually Pedestrian's spines, eyes and skin will adapt to the tunnels, allowing for future generations of pedestrian troglodytes to enjoy their new  found place in society.
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When asked if pedestrians would accept this "compromise" one supporter said that Prop T was built on the same "brilliant and solid scientific methods that Prop L was built upon."   He went on to say, "Look, despite how motorists say we want Public Transit to get better, we're never actually going to take it. And all this striping of paint, bulb-outs and blinking lights?  We're still going to be assholes, so how about we just start digging tunnels for 'Non-motorists' and it will work out for everyone?"