Restoring the Embarcadero Freeway

My dear car loving friends, some of you may not remember the glorious times automobiles had in San Francisco.  There was actually a time when a beautiful chunk of concrete separated the city from the waterfront and allowed a breathtaking view of asphalt and metal.  People even flocked to it when other methods of transit were available.  The Freeway was said to actually have bottlenecked, jammed up traffic and people crashed all over that bitch, but damn was it popular!

It's like two sublime grey snakes mating like gangbusters.
Image found here.  

Right after the freeway opened in 1958 it caused quite an uproar that the supervisors decided to never allow a masterpiece like this to ever be erected in San Francisco again.  I can only assume it was akin to having da Vinci create a work of art, only to reproduce it again.

Welcome to the raised progress hole!
image found here. 

In 1989, in what some people considered mother nature's attempt to shake the fuck out of the eyesore of the city, the Loma Prieta earthquake damaged parts of the Freeway.   Once it was torn down and a boulevard was put in it's place, 100,000 drivers were forced to either walk, bike, or take public transit.  Retail and merchants flocked to the area.  Huge commercial development have cropped up and increased by 51%.  Jobs have also shot up by 23%.  Other redevelopments like the old Ferry Building and Pier 1 have continued to change the waterfront.  But at what cost?!  Can we truly say that removing this monstrous concrete speedway was the right decision?  I, for one, can wholeheartedly say absolutely not, you idiot.  

The removal of the Embarcadero freeway was an obvious disaster, and current projects like redesigning the Masonic Freeway, will have similar effects.  Let's stop spending our money on bullshit projects that supposebly save people's lives and create an economic boon.  Let's continue to use city funds it to make sure that people can get from point A to point B in their private cars as quick as humanly possible. Restore the Embacardero Freeway!

Oh Embarcadero Freeway, you may be gone from San Francisco, but you're still in my dreams.
Image found here.  

Save Masonic Group Missed Six Years of Community Meetings - Claims "We Thought it was a Freeway"

"It looks so much like a freeway we didn't think to attend a meeting about an Avenue."  
picture on the left here. picture on the right found here.  

The folks at Save(Parking and Speeding on)Masonic  are outraged over the recent approved plans to redesign Masonic Avenue.  Even though in the last five years, 122 people have been injured and two people killed, just on 2/3 of a mile of Masonic, the group fervently believe this safety claim is bogus.  But their biggest issue is that they were not notified about the changes over the last six years, somehow.

Many of them simply didn't believe Masonic was a Avenue.  Glenda Delli exclaimed, "I always thought Masonic was a freeway with tons of free parking.  They should have done a better job of letting us know about this.  Keep this Freeway, I mean Avenue, alone!!!"

"We thought this speed limit sign was a joke"
Image found here. 

Save (Parking and Speeding) on Masonic feel they were bamboozled and the SFMTA owes them an explanation.  Matt Thomas said, "Look at all those cars going above 40 miles an hour, some even hitting 60.  Why would anyone in the neighborhood think this was an Avenue?"

SPASOM spokesman said, "tons of people speed through this corridor every day and they weren't given any way to vote on this.  Democracy is the only way to ever change a corridor.  Why should the SFMTA have the right to make these changes?"  When thousands of Masonic commuters were asked for comment, they just blasted by honking their horns encouraging others to go faster.

"Three lanes of car traffic in both directions going 50 miles an hour is NOT an Avenue.  SAVE IT!!!"

When SPASOM was asked why they thought an important corridor with tons of rushing cars would have parking on both sides, they stopped for a moment and replied, "go to hell."

Eight Year Olds Against Fix Masonic Plans





Linguist determined the note was written by Eight year olds - "What was really puzzling is why 8 year old children would be against the Fix Masonic plan to begin with, since none of them can even drive a car."

After years of community outreach, organizing and planning, dating all the way back to 2005 when the Masonic street redesign was incorporated into the foolish SF bicycle plan, some flyers started cropping up on the Masonic Freeway, which prompted some parents to find out which child of theirs whipped up the grammatically challenged, rage cap laden tirade. Eventually, with the help of a linguist who specializes in primitive texts, they realized this was undoubtedly written by a group of eight year old children.   After this discovery, she commented, "One can only guess why they never received any word of corridor improvement plans. The little tykes probably never knew about the community outreach because they were either in school, or they weren't even born."

One of the parents, Vanessa Buyers, said,  "Once I saw the last 'sentence' reading 'Let them know they'll be uneployed come next election' I knew it was Billy.  We've been trying to get him to spell that word correctly for months now." Eventually they discovered it was the work of Billy and five of his "Besties". 

 

Parents of these scrappy little NIMBYs were outraged to find out their kids were maniacally invoking their civic rights, and so poorly.   Mainly the parents were upset because their children were not allowed to go out of the house after dark to post flyers or "Go anywhere near that Masonic death hole".  Three of the "Masonic Gang of Six" were grounded for a month and the others lost their iPad privileges for a week. 



The "Masonic Gange of Six" vows to "Don't Giveup Withowt a Fite"

But the kids are more determined than ever to ensure that this corridor stick to 1950's standards.  When asked why there were so vehemently against creating a corridor that everyone could enjoy and feel safe, the group replied, "SHUT UP THAT'S WHY!!! JUST SHUT UP YOU IDIOT!!!"

 

Fix Masonic, Yes! By Changing it? No!

Fix it, hell yes!  But change it in any way? Efff no!

Bike and walk nuts have been complaining about the Masonic Freeway for years, as it provides a gratuitous single vehicle drive that the likes of San Francisco has never seen.  With its luxurious 3 lane roadways and lack of pedestrian amenities, you can blast through this corridor in seconds flat!  So now, of course, Fix Masonic people want to remove this Freeway from their neighborhood.  Well, the good people at "Save Masonic" have a better way of fixing the freeway and avoiding certain doom, without even changing it!    

They suggest the following to remedy any issues anyone has been having with this freeway.  

"More trees can be planted along the sidewalk, lighting can be improved and bus shelters added"

This kind of solution would only cost about 500 dollars.  All road scientists know that more trees on the sidewalk make everything more better.

This crash involving two speeding cars would have been averted had there been more trees on Masonic's sidewalk. 

Lights also make things way better on a residential freeway.  It allows people to see when a car is speeding at you through a red light, taking an immediate U-turn, or taking a right turn at 20 miles an hour.  Pedestrians would have a much easier time getting the hell out of the way and seeking shelter behind a tree.

Where are all the lights?  This could have been avoided!  

Since the Masonic Freeway sends a ton of single rider vehicles through every day, it makes sense to dedicate a lane for residents who don't want to park in their garages.  With real estate soaring as fast as a Masonic commuter, these garages serve a critical need for storage lockers.   People can then park in front of their garage with ease.  Leave street car lockers alone, Fix Masonic!  

Vehicles on the left will have to stop blocking their garages and actually park in them.  Also, ignore that crash it will be fixed with lighting and trees.  

Clean this shit up and park in here? Are you kidding me Fix Masonic?!

It makes sense to allow this arterial connection for speeding cars, but not at all for bike nuts.  Instead of removing car lockers and adding a cycle track to help slow down traffic, there's an brilliant alternative route for people on bikes to take. Sure, some may argue it's a little confusing, but everyone knows bikers like a challenge, and after a couple dozen times you'll get used to the ups and downs, rights and lefts, turn where the old oak tree used to be,  take a right where the school burned down.  You wouldn't get this kind of adventure  with a straight shot to your destination through Masonic.  Have fun, bikers!

It's so simple! It's like Rube Goldberg created a route just for you!

So there you have it, a complete fix without having to do much changing at all!  Sure, maybe a couple people have been maimed and killed on this freeway, but if someone was on top of a building plucking off a couple people each year, would anyone really try to find the cause and stop it? Of course not, you idiot.  Hats off, Save Masonic folks, you nailed it!