SF Firefighters Union Against Bulb-outs & Leaner Streets for... Safety!

Bulbouts and wide sidewalks, probably behind this massive firetruck wedged between parked cars, are the biggest obstacles to public safety.
Image: KTVU

A contentious meeting took place in North Beach yesterday as crusty residents and firefighter unions opposed "basic street safety measures" and asserted that that sidewalk bulb-outs are dangerous. To appease Skeksis skeptics, the SFMTA will instead install painted "safety zones" on intersections along Columbus avenue.  Construction of concrete versions could begin next year, but undoubtedly won't, due to the screams of car loving opponents.

You would be a stone-cold idiot if you were to try and ignore the thousands of years of experience bestowed to us by the firefighter's union - on-street car storage is 1000% safer than bulb-outs and bike lanes.

At first glance the average person may think that bulb-outs, with their six inch raised curbs, are benign and wouldn't cause any issues to firetrucks moving about the city.  Bulb-outs typically replace on-street stored cars and supposedly have been shown to decrease the number of injuries between vehicles and pedestrians.   But Zero Vision derived requests like bulb-outs, bike lanes and 12 foot streets are a non-starter for the centuries old quorum of firefighters, which referred back to ancient fire codes created in the suburbs of Texas for guidance.

Ancient firefighter's union halfheartedly listening to the pleas for slimmer streets and bulbouts from pedestrians & bikers
Image found here.

The bulb-outs “being proposed for Columbus Avenue are not that scary,” said D3 Supervisor Julie Christensen, who got the SFMTA to install trial painted lanes to pacify the squawking SFFD Union & car loving neighborhood associations.  The San Francisco Firefighter's union still reserves the right to redesign any pedestrian and bike "friendly" street design.   On-street parking & hordes of vehicles on the streets has never been mentioned as problem for the firefighter's union.

Bike lanes like this can seriously delay a firetruck, whereas the left on-street car storage side is a fireman's safety dream come true.
image found here.

The Firefighter's Union not only blames bulb-outs, but insist that bike lanes and extended crosswalks hurt response times, so on-street car parking up to the curbs of crosswalks should remain the standard.  This sentiment was echoed by North Beach Neighbors President Trish Herman who believes the rising tide of bike lanes and wide sidewalks can clearly impinge upon the ability for firefighters to do their jobs.  Not only that, Trish bellowed that removing on-street car storage is not "considering the vehicle public."

North Beach Neighbors President Trish Herman screaming her case against more sidewalk space, and for more on-street car storage for the "vehicle public".
image found here

Not everyone shares the views of the firefighters union and other members of the vehicle loving public. Some people like Tony Wessling, a street safety advocate in North Beach said, “It makes no sense to design the city around the fire equipment. It makes better sense to design the fire equipment around the city.” At that point the ancient firefighter's union swarmed around Tony and devoured him, for safety.

Why use small, nimble vehicles like other countries to navigate smaller streets when you can simply maintain archaic street configurations with plenty of on-street car storage?
image found here.

SFTRU's Muni Challenge - "Gunderson Gold" Winners!

Pay no attention to the people at the top.  The real winners are the supervisors who day in and day out say, "It's just easier to drive my personal car around this 50 square mile city."
image courtesy of SF (Transit Riders Union(of jerks)

The SF Transit Rider's Union came up with a deplorable challenge for our city supervisors, to take Muniserable Transit! (See what I did there?!)  The challenge ran from Monday, June 1st to Monday, June 22nd, one day for each of the years since 1993 when San Francisco voters passed Proposition AA which stated that the mayor, members of the board of supervisors and other city officials, to ride Muni at least two workdays per week.  Absurd, right?!

Thankfully, about half our supervisors barely took it at all, and a few labored to put in a pity ride at the very end to lose out on the "Gunderson Gold: Zero Muni Rides" challenge.  Fortunately there were a few well deserved awards waiting in the wings.  Supervisor Tang won out with the least Muni rides.  More people accidentally trip and fall into Muni more than Supervisor Tang took it.  Well done, Tang!

Supervisor Tang squeaked by Cohen in the final days. Malia Cohen decided to take Muni that she had "given up on years ago".  

It was a tough call on which of the six would receive the Gunderson Gold for best excuse not to "eat their own dog food" and ride Muni, but Mark Farrell won out!  Farrell's excuse was that often times he has to drive his kids to school and it's the only time he can spend quality time with them.  Because the best times in your car, driving through a pedestrian rich environment should be spent interacting with your kids!

Two Muni trips at the last minute.  Why even try riding muni with your children when you can simply spend quality time with them driving! 

And honorable mention goes to London Breed, who took three pity Muni rides, and never once took the 21 Hayes, which she recently decided to make the SFMTA keep 2 stops on the same block.

Well done London Breed!  Good thing you avoided both these stops on the same block!  Your lack of experience and attention to Muni will pay off greatly for all us motorists!

Other supervisors gave their constituents the impression that there are alternatives to the glory of driving a vehicle in a dense pedestrian rich environment.  A special boo-out goes to John Avalos, David Campos, Julie Christensen, Eric Mar & Jane Kim.  You are quite simply, the. worst.

And last but certainly last, I'd like to mention Scott Wiener and his deplorably high amount of Muni Rides.  Children are going to look at this alternative transit lifestyle and think it's social acceptable.  Please, children, let Mayor Lee be your compass, and only take a politically viable amount of transit rides if you absolutely have to.

Scott Wiener giving people the impression that Muni isn't just a shame cab for poor people.
Image found here.

And to make matters worse those SFTRU gave me a mock award!  Can you believe anyone would do such a thing?

Eric Mar & SFTRU and my mock award - "You Loath me, you really loath me!"
Image courtesy of Thomas Rogers & the SFTRU

Here's to next year when we can hopefully boot out all the supervisors who have shamelessly promoted public transit in our city.  Let's ensure that San Suburbscisco stays a car first city!

Engineers Mandated to Run Famili ® Simulations on Street Designs

Street engineers have long been found to tip the scale in favor of cars over pedestrians, public transit and biking. In an effort to create more human friendly streets, cities have been forcing them to run simulations using family ® technology. 

Street engineers upload pictures of their loved ones into the Famili ® simulator to watch them navigate the streets they've created.
image found here  

"The software takes into account how many motorists text, speed and ignore stop signs & lights. It also takes into account maybe your child makes a mistake and assume the car is going to stop for them. All the data is in there," said -found the Jason Stakes. The engineer will spend hours watching cars weave in and around theire loved ones. The simulation will slow down to show them when, statistically, one of their loved ones will be mowed down because of the street design and the stark reality of motorist behavior.




DOT engineer watches a simulation of his father and three daughters crossing the street he recently designed. "It's really scary when you know 10-40% of  those motorists aren't paying attention "
Image found here

Because of Family ® technology, cities have seen a more holistic "Complete Streets" concept that incorporates more biking, public transit and road diets. Some of the engineers have left the workforce altogether claiming the Famili ® simulator is too stressful and impedes their ability to build stroads.  One Vision Zero championing mayor proclaimed,"When an engineer can come out of the simulation with dry eyes, we know we have a good design."




Cities are seeing more "complete streets" using famili ® technology
image found her and

Benevolent Cavemen Found in Park - Struggle to Understand 'DMV Bible'

Cavemen found near Lake Merced tucked away between the 9-hole golf course and the boat house.  The cavement were found to be highly intelligent and humane, which made traffic laws difficult to comprehend.
image found here.

An amazing discovery was made a few months ago in San Francisco.  Scientists found a group of cavemen that have been living in the 600 acre woods of Lake Merced park for years  After some tests, the scientists eventually brought the band of cavemen to the city who were then fostered by San Francisco missionaries.  The group was found to be highly intelligent, benevolent and quickly picked up on the language as well as the customs of the city.  There was one troublesome area though that they could not understand: traffic laws.  Because of their basic decency and humanity they were often found struck by cars.

DMV clerk Jerry Tullos sets the Merced tribe on the right path to relative safety
image found here.

The missionaries just couldn't get the Merced tribe to comply with traffic laws, and they worked with the Department of Motor Vehicles to set them on the right path to relative safety.  The cavemen asked the DMV questions about these "metal beasts" and "why they do not stop for people and allow safe passage?"  The DMV had a difficult time trying to explain that they couldn't walk anywhere they liked as they did in the woods.  Te explained that the cavemen had to wait for blinking lights and walk in special painted areas to cross.  Eventually, tired of trying to convey rules neither they nore nor the cavement could comprehend, the DMV told them in order to escape the wrath of  the "car gods" they must obey all the rules in the magical DMV book in order to live in peace. 

The Merced cavemen learn from experts about all the wonderful safety paint and blinking lights that are sure to save them from certain doom.
image found here.

It took a lot of time for the cavemen to acclimate to life on city streets.  Slowly but surely, the cavemen began following the rules of the road to the exact letter of the law, and found that they were subjected to the wrath of cars on city streets.  The cavemen asked the DMV a liteny of questions, such as "Why car god not nice to us if we follow the rules. Why car gods still honk all the time?  We stop at red light, but when green light turn car god still go? The DMV then had to explain to them that the car god's ways are often mysterious and don't always make sense, and that they have to be extra careful and follow unwritten rules that only the car god's know.  The tribe was taught that in order to thrive on the street they must be afraid and in constant fear of the car gods. 

"These car gods are angry, cruel and don't follow the rules in the DMV Bible"

This angered the Merced tribe and they started to fight back.  They were found chucking boulders and other heavy objects at cars that did not obey the rules they learned in the great DMV bible.  Eventually the police intervened and many were thrown in jail for their acts of violence.  One of the cavemen asked, "if car gods can hurt us by speeding why can't we hurt car gods?  The DMV tried to explain that when a car does something wrong it's called "an accident" and you cannot retaliate against them.  The cavemen then asked, "why so many car in city if they cause so much destruction?"  The DMV had to tell them that "cars were always here and that's just the way it is."  They also asked, "who made rules up" and questioned the rationale that "hurts our people." 

The Merced cavmen learned tough facts from the "DMV Bible":  If a car does something bad to you, you are not allowed to retaliate with equal severity.
image found here

Eventually the cavemen realized that the DMV bible was nothing but make-believe, and to make the best of the situation and surrender any recourse when a car wronged them.  Since the cavemen's IQ's were nigher than most motorists (an aggregate of 60), and they had $34 dollars they were highly qualified to receive a driver's license.  So they took a quick 10 minute driving test, answered a couple dozen questions and earned a license to operate a motor vehicle.  The tribe was now entitled to drive the beasts they once hated.  Having tried the "speeding metal cage with radio" for all of a few days, the tribe decided they wouldn't take part in "murder car" and decided they would bike and walk everywhere instead.




The cavemen find there is more safety in numbers and love it when "bicycles drive angry car out of the street"
image found here. 

Wiggle Safety Upgrades Delayed Because Cars Can't be Everywhere

Car traffic wouldn't be allowed to go through one half of one street in all of San Francisco?  This is absolutely insane!
image found here.

The Wiggle, a patchwork of bike sharrows on pavement weaving through fast car traffic & parked cars has been around for quite some time.  The only reason why someone on a bike would take this route is because it's geographically convenient, and not because the city makes it any easier to ride through it safely. In an effort to remedy this issue, the SFMTA started the long arduous process of making some changes to the street to accomodate the thousands of people that walk and bike through the area every day.

According to Streetsblog, "A major feature of the planned Wiggle upgrades is a large sidewalk bulb-out which would physically block drivers from entering southbound Scott at Fell Street. That would reduce the car traffic on Scott, which runs one block parallel to Divisadero, that degrades the livability of the neighborhood and congests the intersection at Haight." The other part of the plan would divert traffic on Divisidero Street from taking a left turns onto Haigh Street.  After two years of planning, community input, the project was halted because a few merchants who weren't paying attention started screaming at the 11th hour.

Stop a car from doing a car thing?  Are you insane?  Leave the deterring to pedestrians and cyclists thankyouverymuch.
Image found here.

SFMTA's timeline is very similar to other projects that have gone through copeous amounts of community input, engineering and planning, then squelched by a few car loving merchants.  The Polk Street bike plan was changed at the 11th hour to accommodate the Mayor's Optometrist's desire for side car storage.  The Oak/Fell bike lanes were delayed to add more magical free parking on SF Streets.  Removing 57 parking spaces from a pedestrian and bike path in the Marina was also delayed so the Parks & Rec department could fullfill their clear duty to preserve as much car storage as possible.  This even works for coffee shop owners who want to keep two bus stops on the same block for their own personal gain. 

The SFMTA claims this was part of their timeline all along and part of the natural SF process:

Tuesday, June 11, 2013, 5:00 pm to 8:30 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor Community Open house

Wednesday, August 28, 2013, 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm

Scott Street Traffic Calming Meeting

Tuesday, September 24, 2013, 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor Community Open House #2

Wednesday, January 22, 2014, 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor Community Open House #3

Friday, January 17, 2014, 5:59 pm

View the proposals for the Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor

Friday, March 20, 2015, 6:06 pm

Show your support for the Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor!

Monday, March 23, 2015, 7:00 pm

Wiggle Neighborhood Green Corridor at Alamo Square Neighborhood Association Meeting

Friday, April 3, 2015, 10:00 am

Engineering Public Hearing, April 3, 2015

May - 11th Hour
Merchant Anger, Screaming & Delay 

June - TBD
Water down and negate project scope to appease merchants
  

The LoHaMNA (Lower Haight Neighbors and Merchants Association) sounded the 11th hour alarm after they heard that a vehicle wouldn't have unfettered access to all the streets of San Francisco.  A few equally important and long winded acryonym groups then followed suit. 

The PfCoESoSF (People for Cars on Every Street of San Francisco) and MWaAfSbKECT(Merchants Who are All for Safety but Keep Every Car Thing) all have voiced their concern and distain over this safety project that's been years in the making.

It's pefectly fine to limit pedestrians and bikers, but by no means can you limit a motorist's right to drive on any street, ever.

One MWaAfSbKECT member said, "Look, it's ok to demolish entire communities for city stroads like Geary Boulevard, place parking on every street in the city, but you can't ever divert traffic off any of them.  It's just assinine."  When asked about the safety benefits of having fewer cars on the roads near pedestrians and bikers, they just stared blankly for a few seconds and then proceeded to discuss much needed parking and traffic lanes.  He also went on to say, "and just think what could happen if people get this ridiculous idea that a car doesn't belong everywhere?"

Building areas like Masonic & Geary that cater exclusively to cars is fine.  Diverting traffic off one street in SF is absolutely forbidden.  Ask any merchant aka "traffic engineer".

The SFMTA expects to come back with a watered down, visionless Wiggle design sometime in June. 

Golden Gate Park(ing) - Refuge for the Weary Motorist

Don't let all the green fool you.  Golden Gate was built for cars, not stupid pedestrians & bikers.

Have you ever been in San Francisco and found yourself tired of pedestrians having the right of way with clearly marked crosswalks?  Have you thought to yourself, "why can't there be a place for me and my car without all those stupid bike lanes?"  Well boy do I have a place you will love.  It's called Golden Gate Park and once you step wheel into it you'll immediately realize it's built on a cartopian dream that takes nature and collides it with the convenience of vehicles.  It was meticulously designed to make anyone who walks or bikes in it feel like a Grade A loser. Here are a few highlights:

#1 - Pedestrians Don't Matter!

Secret pedestrian crossings are everywhere in GG Park. They may be in the form of faded paint, obstructed signs, or simply unmarked crossings with none in sight! 

Sure, there are some trails through Golden Gate Parking, but you'll notice bipetal movement of any kind simply does not matter and is often shunned by the street design.  Golden Gate Park has gone to great lengths to hide pedestrian crossings to the point where you could walk thousands of yards and wonder where you should cross!  It's just another way of saying, "get in a car, dummy."

Other pedestrian crossing areas are nestled in between lush obstructed landscapes around cars going at least 25 miles per hour.  What better way to say "why aren't you in a car like a normal person?"

#2 - Bikes Have Plenty of Places to Not Belong

Don't let Google fool you dear motorist, I highlighted the areas where there are bike lanes. Google foolishly assumes you can bike on some of the trails but you'll see the park signeage says otherwise. 

There was so much frustration and pushback on any kind of bike lanes on even a small amount of the stroads in an the urban park, that bikers will be hard pressed to find any coherent bike path of any kind.

 Don't worry about bike lanes.  They are either wedged between parked cars or near speeding traffic!  Yay Cars!

And if it's not amazing enough that there are barely any noteable bike lanes in Golden Gate Park my dear motorists, it gets even better!  There are literally dozens of places that bikes DON'T belong in Golden Gate Park! You were wrong about those bike paths, Google, so very wrong.

Golden Gate Park knows that, for some stupid reason, some people actually want to bike in a park.  Fear not!  They know enough to ban bikers, but not build bike lanes. 

A few idiot bikers trying to get through glorious cross park motor traffic.  

Anyone who bikes around Golden Gate Park will soon understand they are not welcomed.  Every now and then you'll see a pesky faded bike sharrow or two, but don't let that dissuade you my friends. As you motor your way thru you'll understand that you're the king of this urban park.  When street lanes get wide enough you'll be able to store your car on them, I guarantee.

Every now and then you'll see a faded bike sharrow between a speeding & parked car.  

#3 - You can Park Virtually Anywhere!

There are so many places to park your car!  You may find a little gem of a parking lot here and there, but rest assured if there's a side of  something, you're allowed to park there, even if it's in the middle of two crosswalks!

In the magical motor land of Golden Gate Park, asphalt is practically begging you to stop on it.  All throughout the park you'll find varying species of parking, from the marked signs, unmarked areas, down to little nooks and crannies stuffed with hordes of cars.  And the best part about it is that you'll never have to pay a dime to park there.  Unlike other urban parks, the streets are free to store your car on for hours on end.

The best part is unlike most urban parks, you don't have to pay a thing to park!  You're apparently limited to 4 hours of parking in the same location, but do you think anyone checks?  Doubtful!

Even though it's a park that's heavy with pedestrians and some foolish bikers, you're still more than welcome to go the posted speed limit of 25 miles per hour (but who really goes that slow?)  There are tons of thru-fares and even a freeway like Highway 1 in this very park.  Despite the fact that people with children and elderly people stroll through this park, you'll never be forced to drive elderly center & school zone speeds. 

Doesn't matter where you're going in Golden Gate Park.  Rest assured that no matter how many pedestrians and bikers are around you're well within your rights to go 25 miles per hour.  Save the slow driving for elderly centers & schools, where you're legally obligated to restrain yourself. 

#4 Golden Gate Park has an Underutilized Underground Parking Shrine

Underneath the Science Academy lies a testament to parking.  There you can drive all around to your heart's content and look for just the right spot.  Keep in mind, though, you would actually have to pay for parking down there, and then use your legs like a sucker to get to other parts of the park.  You might want to just drive thru this glorious parking jewel and take some pictures of the hundreds of unused spaces like I did.

There is a huge underground parking structure below the Science Acadamy but don't worry you'll never have to park down there.  Since parking is ~everywhere~ in Golden Gate Park and it's free, why bother?

So if you're looking to leave the trappings of city life in your car, enjoy nature, but never use your legs like a sucker" Golden Gate Park is just the place for you.  It's truly a majestic park designed for the almighty vehicle.  Enjoy!

MTA Pilots Humaniti ® Technology on City Streets

Metro Transit Authorities have long tried to curb the tide of death and dismemberment on the roads with paint, blinking lights, and cement to no avail.  Citing over 30,000 deaths a year, mostly due to driver neglect, the MTA has looked for options that instill some form of humanity in the hearts and minds of motorists.  One Silicon Valley based startup, founded by Stan Arguile, may have just the solution to the city's Vision Zero goals.  It's called Humaniti ® and so far the results have been nothing short of remarkable.

The Humaniti ® system can cover 3 square miles and interact with over 3000 heartless motorists at any given time.

With Stan's system, motorists experience feelings of humanity while driving through the city.  For instance, when a motorists runs a red light they might see their grandmother being utterly destroyed by their very own car.  Sometimes people speeding or texting will see their children running to get a ball and find themselves utterly shaken.   The system is smart enough to even detect motorists in the crosswalks and experience the annoyance and danger they would be feeling if they were walking. Stan said it even can recognize annoyances like people on extremely loud motorcycles.  "I've seen several guys on motorcycles turn off the road screaming 'holy shit I'm a total asshole!'"

Cheryl, after taking a sharp right turn past some pedestrians, experiences what it would be like to run over her beloved puppy in such a haste.
image found here.

When asked what happens to licensed motorists completely devoid of any humanity at all , Stan replied, "motorist sociopaths typically experience feelings of their own bones cracking or being thrown across the street to the side of the road.  The Humaniti ® system will try out all sorts of scenarios until it senses the user emotionally reacts to the crime they're committing."  He also noted that, "jackwagons laying on the horn have been reduced 94%."  

Lenny McClayton, sneers at the "F*cking box that makes me feel feelings"
image found here.

Humaniti ® has been piloted in several cities with remarcable results.  Vehicle collisions have gone down 75% since their installation.  The City of San Francisco saw a huge drop in car ridership and a 250% increase in public transit, walking and cycling.  But it has not been without its critics. Motorists have expressed frustration with the new system and they've been asking for higher penalities and even jail time to avoid having to feel the anxiety of driving a two ton vehicle at high velocities in a pedestrian rich environment.  "Just give me a ticket or something I can't deal with the potential consequences of my choice to drive my car on the road " one teary eyed motorists explained.

"The Humanit ® system will find anything to distract the driver from the confines of their vehicle and convince them they're still a part of humanity."

Not only has Stan experienced some criticism, but he's also had several Humaniti ® systems destroyed by neighborhoods that just couldn't deal with the potential consequences they might have due to their own reckless behavior.  Stan said this will not stop him, but he might make some tweaks to Humaniti 2.0 ®.  "We've been toying with the idea of having the system reward people with a shot of serotonin for driving like decent human beings.  You know, the ones that put the lives of others ahead of their own time and convenience?"