SFMTA to Angry Motorists: "Screw it! You Can't Have Nice Things!"

"Does this look like a problem caused by pedestrian safety improvments, public transit and bike lanes, morons? "- SFMTA
Image found here

The San Francisco Metro Transit Association has been under a lot of fire recently from angry, math impared individuals and their poorly written websites, blaming them for everything under the sun.  Finally, after years of taking this abuse, they've finally released an open letter to the angry motorists of San Francisco:

Dear Angry SF Motorists, 

Screw it.  You can't have nice things.  You can't be trusted to drive safely or sanely on a big wide street with multiple lanes.  Is there ever a signal rotation that goes by without one of you jackasses speeding through it?  We have to tell cops to patrol you every single hour of every single day because we know you're doing stupid shit out there.  You treat pedestrians and cyclists like they're obstacles in a game and not real people.  You can't be relied upon to actually move your car after the allotted time so we have to babysit and ticket you.  You can't handle even the slightest traffic jam without losing your shit.  We have to send out traffic babysitters anytime something takes a few seconds away from your precious speedy commute.  

You can't share, you can't be safe, and you can't be trusted for anything.  You don't deserve to have anything nice.

"Does this look like the kind of thing we should have to prevent you from doing?  Can you at least attempt to hold onto one shred of decency when you're in your car?
image found here.

You complain that you don't have enough parking?  We put parking everywhere, even on busy arterial streets like a lunatic, but you still want more.  Are you serious that the ENTIRE LENGTH of the California Coast isn't enough for you?  Why are you being such selfish jerks?  You live in a city that was meant for, at most, 4,000 cars per square mile and now we're at 10,000. We're terribly sorry if you have a problem with simple math and geometry.  We'll gladly pay for a semester so you can relearn grade school math.  

Seriously?  This isn't enough?  This is more than TWICE the mount SF was every supposed to have?  And you wonder why there's car congestion?
image found here

Why are you blaming us for the parking issue?  Why don't you blame your neighbor that hasn't actually used his cars in over a month?  Or that family that NEVER parks in their garage because they don't want to move their pingpong table or clear the garbage out of it?  Why don't you blame your neighbor that has that big "Do Not Park" sign in front of his garage?  You know they never use it.  Quit blaming us you morons.  

We gave unfettered access to the street but you continue to stop in pedestrian areas and blast through stop signs.  Is this what you do with every single street that's designed for you?  You can't even signal properly half the time - Seriously, look at yourselves, you're like children out there with the honking horns and skidding brakes and a complete disregard for anyone but yourselves. What kind of adult acts like this?  

"Has a pedestrian or cyclist ever come even close to creating this kind of carnage?  And you want us to make it easier for you to drive in the city?  Are you insane?
image found here

And for your people who have turned to the internet with statements like "Fix the MTA", do you have any idea what you're even talking about?  Have you even noticed any of the improvements we've made in the past few years?  We're even getting good Yelp Reviews!  Do you even take MUNI?  That's right, you don't.  You've gotten in our way, every step of the way to improve any of the bus lines.  You don't even know what we've done, and you're determined to prevent us from continuing on our successes.  Guess what, we need money to do it and we don't have it and you guys say to fix things before we have the money?  What kind of planet are you from?  You guys seriously are THE. WORST.

Do you even have any idea of what the MTA and Muni is?  The Muni's job isn't to tell you how to get there?  Muni gets you there by public transportation, you idiots.  This is why you don't deserve anything nice.
image found here.

So guess what, we're taking away a lot of your car lanes, we're taking away some of your precious parking spots, and we're going to give the more responsible groups a chance.  You'll be seeing more road diets, pedestrian safety improvements, dedicated bus lanes and bike lanes.  We'll gladly exchange the kind of fresh hell you motorists unleash for the potential of some cyclists rolling through stop signs and more jaywalkers.  So look out transit riders, pedestrians, and pedestrians that cycle, your time has come.  Time to let the people who haven't abused their privilege have reign of the streets.  

Suck it, Angry Motorists.

-SFMTA 

Moveon Petitions: Anti-War, End Fracking, Preserve Parking and Neuter Public Transit in SF

MoveOn.Org - saving society from pro-bike, pro-transit, and "anti-car" initiatives in our cities.  

For those of you who don't know what MoveOn.org is, here's their mission statement:

"We are currently focusing on what we call our Million Leaders strategy — an audacious plan to unleash progressive people power by encouraging and supporting MoveOn members and other progressives to step up as the leaders of their own campaigns for social change. This strategy includes MoveOn Petitions, our online petition tool that empowers you to lead and win your own MoveOn-style campaigns."

If you scroll around the site you'll most likely see petitions to tell Obama to ban fracking on public lands, or to stop the keystone pipeline.  You'll also see local San Francisco progressive values in action with "Stop SFMTA (San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency)"  What could be more progressive than abolishing public transit and preserve the hundreds of thousands of free parking spaces in San Francisco?  That's right, nothing!

What could be more progressive than jamming a city with more cars and free parking?
image found here.

The petition reeks of grass roots progressive values you've come to expect from citizens here.  The call to end "Anti'car" policies such as:

1. Installing new parking meters and extending the hours of enforcement.
2. Enforcing Sunday parking meters
3. Increasing meter rates, fees and fines

It even gives a hearty nod to the "Restore Car Dominated Balance" ballot initiative which will put cars back in the forefront, from the forefront.  These common sense, progressive values are sure to make Muni better but not by funding it or making any substantial changes to any of the streets in San Francisco.  We can have our cake and drive over it too!

Save excessive speeding and parking on Masonic Avenue! It's just like signing a petition to save the rain forests and sea turtles!  

image found here.

ENUF's petition isn't the only well thought out, progressive petition on the site.  Moveon also gives a a shout out to save the Masonic Ave Freeway, and "No to wider sidewalks on Potrero Avenue".  The three fit nicely into a cohesive environmentally friendly and socially conscious SF narrative of  "SHUT UP I CAN DRIVE AND PARK WHERE AND WHENEVER I WANT TO YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!"

"Sue the GOP Congress", "Support Striking Walmart Workers" and "Don't you dare put a bigger sidewalk on this massive speed chute!
Image found here.

Hats off to the MoveOn.org folks for maintaining their integrity when it comes to giving voice to the undeserved and marginalized.  Keep standing up for women's reproductive rights.  And by all means ensure that people with private vehicles continue to dominate the roads of San Francisco and everyone else can suck it!