Mayor Lee Finally Announces More Vision Zero Talk Without Action

San Francisco, CA — There have been seven deaths this year compared with just one during the first 10 weeks of 2015, and seven during the same period in 2014.  After months and months of street carnage, Mayor Lee finally reiterated the City of San Francisco’s commitment to only talk about ending traffic fatalities and begged the public to be nicer to vulnerable road users.

“Our community is committed to look like we’re achieving Vision Zero by placing signs, painting lines, and begging the hordes of SF drivers to follow laws with few real penalties,” said Mayor Lee, who oversees the San Francisco Police Department. “The slew of tragedies remind us that we have no rules in place to prevent these fatalities from happening, or substantially penalizing motorists when they do happen, and that we’re perfectly okay with that. We’ll put up bigger signs, more infrastructure that relies on enforcement and motorists to behave, and that will suffice.” 

Market Street where red lights are simply no-no's.

The City of San Francisco has pretended to be committed to Vision Zero, adopting the goal of ending traffic fatalities and serious injuries. Our unique Vision Zero approach says that if we add signs, paint lines around San Francisco's street freeways, it's all going to work out. We’ll also continue to enshrine free & cheap parking as we continue to feel like we’re doing something great without sabotaging our political relationships with merchants and religious organizations.

Saturday & Sunday "Vision Zero" double parking.

Lee had no further comment before scurrying back into his office away from the public, only stating, “It’s getting tougher to fool the city into thinking we actually care about Vision Zero when the fatality count continues to climb and we turn a blind eye to things like Sunday (and now Saturday) double parking, but we have a few more tricks up our sleeves and we’ll be getting to work on that soon.”

Special thanks to Fake Mayor Harlie Cales for the "press release".

SFMTA to Angry Motorists: "Screw it! You Can't Have Nice Things!"

"Does this look like a problem caused by pedestrian safety improvments, public transit and bike lanes, morons? "- SFMTA
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The San Francisco Metro Transit Association has been under a lot of fire recently from angry, math impared individuals and their poorly written websites, blaming them for everything under the sun.  Finally, after years of taking this abuse, they've finally released an open letter to the angry motorists of San Francisco:

Dear Angry SF Motorists, 

Screw it.  You can't have nice things.  You can't be trusted to drive safely or sanely on a big wide street with multiple lanes.  Is there ever a signal rotation that goes by without one of you jackasses speeding through it?  We have to tell cops to patrol you every single hour of every single day because we know you're doing stupid shit out there.  You treat pedestrians and cyclists like they're obstacles in a game and not real people.  You can't be relied upon to actually move your car after the allotted time so we have to babysit and ticket you.  You can't handle even the slightest traffic jam without losing your shit.  We have to send out traffic babysitters anytime something takes a few seconds away from your precious speedy commute.  

You can't share, you can't be safe, and you can't be trusted for anything.  You don't deserve to have anything nice.

"Does this look like the kind of thing we should have to prevent you from doing?  Can you at least attempt to hold onto one shred of decency when you're in your car?
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You complain that you don't have enough parking?  We put parking everywhere, even on busy arterial streets like a lunatic, but you still want more.  Are you serious that the ENTIRE LENGTH of the California Coast isn't enough for you?  Why are you being such selfish jerks?  You live in a city that was meant for, at most, 4,000 cars per square mile and now we're at 10,000. We're terribly sorry if you have a problem with simple math and geometry.  We'll gladly pay for a semester so you can relearn grade school math.  

Seriously?  This isn't enough?  This is more than TWICE the mount SF was every supposed to have?  And you wonder why there's car congestion?
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Why are you blaming us for the parking issue?  Why don't you blame your neighbor that hasn't actually used his cars in over a month?  Or that family that NEVER parks in their garage because they don't want to move their pingpong table or clear the garbage out of it?  Why don't you blame your neighbor that has that big "Do Not Park" sign in front of his garage?  You know they never use it.  Quit blaming us you morons.  

We gave unfettered access to the street but you continue to stop in pedestrian areas and blast through stop signs.  Is this what you do with every single street that's designed for you?  You can't even signal properly half the time - Seriously, look at yourselves, you're like children out there with the honking horns and skidding brakes and a complete disregard for anyone but yourselves. What kind of adult acts like this?  

"Has a pedestrian or cyclist ever come even close to creating this kind of carnage?  And you want us to make it easier for you to drive in the city?  Are you insane?
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And for your people who have turned to the internet with statements like "Fix the MTA", do you have any idea what you're even talking about?  Have you even noticed any of the improvements we've made in the past few years?  We're even getting good Yelp Reviews!  Do you even take MUNI?  That's right, you don't.  You've gotten in our way, every step of the way to improve any of the bus lines.  You don't even know what we've done, and you're determined to prevent us from continuing on our successes.  Guess what, we need money to do it and we don't have it and you guys say to fix things before we have the money?  What kind of planet are you from?  You guys seriously are THE. WORST.

Do you even have any idea of what the MTA and Muni is?  The Muni's job isn't to tell you how to get there?  Muni gets you there by public transportation, you idiots.  This is why you don't deserve anything nice.
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So guess what, we're taking away a lot of your car lanes, we're taking away some of your precious parking spots, and we're going to give the more responsible groups a chance.  You'll be seeing more road diets, pedestrian safety improvements, dedicated bus lanes and bike lanes.  We'll gladly exchange the kind of fresh hell you motorists unleash for the potential of some cyclists rolling through stop signs and more jaywalkers.  So look out transit riders, pedestrians, and pedestrians that cycle, your time has come.  Time to let the people who haven't abused their privilege have reign of the streets.  

Suck it, Angry Motorists.

-SFMTA 

Want Better Transit Options in Your City? It's Simple! Just be the Mayor!

Whenever you're stuck on a cramped bus, you're looking for a parking space, or you're bike lane is sub-par, remember it can be a lot better.  You just need to be a mayor!  Mayors get a ton of perks you may not have  considered, one of which is better transit.  Sure, you might have to bike to work once a year, or take the bus now and then for a photo-op, but fear not.  You'll probably have your own private car paid for by the city, and even your own chauffeur.  You know, because you're super important and can't operate the way regular people do in the city.  You're the major and you made a lot of crazy wild promises to get there, so treat yourself right!

As Mayor you might have to bike once a year, but the rest of the time you can text and drive.  Is anyone going to indict a mayor when you own the police department?  *wink
image found here and here.  

But the perks don't stop there!  You'll also have the opportunity to park wherever the hell you want!  Park in crosswalks, bus stops, and even in traffic lanes!  Worried you'll get a ticket?  Well even if you do just use your mayoral might and have the ticket person reprimanded and also as an added bonus, have the tickets magically whisked away with your mayoral wand!

Crosswalks are for little people, and mayoral parking.  Going to do something about it?  Didn't think so!
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Even if you don't live in the Bay Area you're sure to enjoy many of these perks.  Some deputy members even enjoy the perks of drunk driving on occasion.  You can even yell at bikers and tell them to get the hell off your road.  If you're up in Toronto you can even pantomime drunk driving when you're at your job like Rob Ford.  Be free to mix and match, be creative.  After all, you're the goddamn mayor!

Mayor Lee leaving a photo-op and jumping out of the Gross People's Cab for dear life!
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Best of all, you're removed from all the headaches of plebeian transport.  Your car-centric view of transportation will make city transit decisions far easier.  You can repeal parking fees on Sundays since you empathize with motorists.  You can also rescind support for a local VLF tax to support transportation funding your own task-force approved.  How about punish any Supervisor that tries to increase funding using general funds.  Sure, maybe this will lead to some horrible transportation choices for idiots that don't own a private vehicle.  Don't worry though, since you're the mayor you'll never be forced to eat your own dog food.

"Bicycles are pain in my fat car driving ass"

SF Motorists Rejoice While Driving Around Longer, Angrier, For FREE SUNDAY PARKING!

The motorists of San Francisco have a lot more to rejoice about on Sundays, because they'll now be able to drive around longer looking for FREE parking.  People who find parking can now leave their car parked all day as well without ever having to move it. What could possibly go wrong!?

Great news!  You can now circle around downtown SF for free parking on Sundays!
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Gloria Sanderson exclaims, "It took me over 20 minutes to find parking, but I saved a couple of bucks that I would have normally spent on transit, or treating myself to an ice cream after a bike ride into downtown.  There's no way I'm giving up this spot all day after what I went through to earn it."

Why just pay for parking when you can circle around for 10 minutes and maybe find  free parking?
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Mayor Lee's Task force came up with the idea of Sunday metering to help with congestion and also make other forms of transportation more palatable.  It would also shore up more money for the underfunded SFMTA, which needs at least 3 billion dollars to upgrade the aging infrastructure.  But then Mayor Lee pushed to remove Sunday parking, for, reasons...  He then sent a press release congratulating himself on repealing the idea that he and his team came up in the first place.  Great Job Lee!

Meanwhile, Muni will increase 25 cents to 2.25, even on Sundays.  But don't worry, parking will remain FREE to anyone who can find it!

Waiting around for free stuff always is a good idea.
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