SFMTA to Angry Motorists: "Screw it! You Can't Have Nice Things!"

"Does this look like a problem caused by pedestrian safety improvments, public transit and bike lanes, morons? "- SFMTA
Image found here

The San Francisco Metro Transit Association has been under a lot of fire recently from angry, math impared individuals and their poorly written websites, blaming them for everything under the sun.  Finally, after years of taking this abuse, they've finally released an open letter to the angry motorists of San Francisco:

Dear Angry SF Motorists, 

Screw it.  You can't have nice things.  You can't be trusted to drive safely or sanely on a big wide street with multiple lanes.  Is there ever a signal rotation that goes by without one of you jackasses speeding through it?  We have to tell cops to patrol you every single hour of every single day because we know you're doing stupid shit out there.  You treat pedestrians and cyclists like they're obstacles in a game and not real people.  You can't be relied upon to actually move your car after the allotted time so we have to babysit and ticket you.  You can't handle even the slightest traffic jam without losing your shit.  We have to send out traffic babysitters anytime something takes a few seconds away from your precious speedy commute.  

You can't share, you can't be safe, and you can't be trusted for anything.  You don't deserve to have anything nice.

"Does this look like the kind of thing we should have to prevent you from doing?  Can you at least attempt to hold onto one shred of decency when you're in your car?
image found here.

You complain that you don't have enough parking?  We put parking everywhere, even on busy arterial streets like a lunatic, but you still want more.  Are you serious that the ENTIRE LENGTH of the California Coast isn't enough for you?  Why are you being such selfish jerks?  You live in a city that was meant for, at most, 4,000 cars per square mile and now we're at 10,000. We're terribly sorry if you have a problem with simple math and geometry.  We'll gladly pay for a semester so you can relearn grade school math.  

Seriously?  This isn't enough?  This is more than TWICE the mount SF was every supposed to have?  And you wonder why there's car congestion?
image found here

Why are you blaming us for the parking issue?  Why don't you blame your neighbor that hasn't actually used his cars in over a month?  Or that family that NEVER parks in their garage because they don't want to move their pingpong table or clear the garbage out of it?  Why don't you blame your neighbor that has that big "Do Not Park" sign in front of his garage?  You know they never use it.  Quit blaming us you morons.  

We gave unfettered access to the street but you continue to stop in pedestrian areas and blast through stop signs.  Is this what you do with every single street that's designed for you?  You can't even signal properly half the time - Seriously, look at yourselves, you're like children out there with the honking horns and skidding brakes and a complete disregard for anyone but yourselves. What kind of adult acts like this?  

"Has a pedestrian or cyclist ever come even close to creating this kind of carnage?  And you want us to make it easier for you to drive in the city?  Are you insane?
image found here

And for your people who have turned to the internet with statements like "Fix the MTA", do you have any idea what you're even talking about?  Have you even noticed any of the improvements we've made in the past few years?  We're even getting good Yelp Reviews!  Do you even take MUNI?  That's right, you don't.  You've gotten in our way, every step of the way to improve any of the bus lines.  You don't even know what we've done, and you're determined to prevent us from continuing on our successes.  Guess what, we need money to do it and we don't have it and you guys say to fix things before we have the money?  What kind of planet are you from?  You guys seriously are THE. WORST.

Do you even have any idea of what the MTA and Muni is?  The Muni's job isn't to tell you how to get there?  Muni gets you there by public transportation, you idiots.  This is why you don't deserve anything nice.
image found here.

So guess what, we're taking away a lot of your car lanes, we're taking away some of your precious parking spots, and we're going to give the more responsible groups a chance.  You'll be seeing more road diets, pedestrian safety improvements, dedicated bus lanes and bike lanes.  We'll gladly exchange the kind of fresh hell you motorists unleash for the potential of some cyclists rolling through stop signs and more jaywalkers.  So look out transit riders, pedestrians, and pedestrians that cycle, your time has come.  Time to let the people who haven't abused their privilege have reign of the streets.  

Suck it, Angry Motorists.

-SFMTA 

In Effort to Make Street Sewers Safer - Traffic Engineers Hire Snake Handlers

How do you make insanely dangerous things safer?   It's as easy as 1,2, a 3c(b) + d(b) < a 2k + b
picture on the left here. picture on the right found here.  

Traffic Engineers have long wondered how to make huge six lane highway-like streets within their cities safer. They've been baffled at how to make motorists obey the posted speed limits and abide by traffic lights, without going on a "road diet", installing bike lanes, or making the area less car dominant.  "My team and I thought about what other kinds of incredibly dangerous and avoidable activities were out there, and how people apply try to apply safety measures", said Kevin Wright, local traffic engineer.  "It seems all but impossible", he admitted. "Then one of our teammates shouted 'Snake handlers!'"  We couldn't believe how long it took us to realize they could definitely help us out.

Snakes and cars are dangerous, but there's a proper way to handle them.  (he's dead.)
Image on left found here.  image on right found here.

Kevin commented, "while talking to the snake handlers we saw a lot of commonality.  There's a lot that can go wrong on a street-freeway, and believe me it does. As soon as their group got back from the emergency room, they gave us a lot of great safety tips that we can apply to our city's street-sewers."

Snake Handling <Street Sewer Safety> Tips 

1.  <Pedestrians> Avoid “big” movements. Be as subtle as possible.

2. <Pedestrians> Remember snakes<cars> don’t have human emotions so when it strikes at you it is trying to defend itself not <and to>teach you a lesson.

3. <Pedestrians> Keep a Safe Distance.  Move slowly and deliberately.

4. When you get bit <struck>, seek medical attention immediately.  

5. Tell your family you love them anytime you handle a snake <walk to the store>

With proper safety procedures, only a lots of people die instead of tons.
images found here 

Kevin added, "With the help of the survived snake handlers, I think we can make a lot of remarkably modest changes to our streets, by focusing on forcing as many cars through as we possibly can and THEN applying safety.  "I mean you could just remove a few lanes of traffic or prohibit cars entirely, but this isn't Amsterdam for Christ's sake."