For anyone who's foolishly walked down San Francisco's "iconic" Market street, they know it wasn't meant for pedestrians. It was designed for hordes of combustible speeding metal boxes. With the wide 3-5 car lanes intersecting at nearly every block, it's easy to realize if you're traversing by foot, you simply don't matter.
Fear not, pedestrian weirdo! Here are some simple tips to navigating Market street while using your legs like a sucker.
Fear not, pedestrian weirdo! Here are some simple tips to navigating Market street while using your legs like a sucker.
 |
| Market Street wasn't designed for bipedal movement, silly. image found here. |
Step 1: Wait until the space is de-criminalized to pedestrians.
Wondering where this particular street is? Let's just say it's at the cross street of Market & Everywhere Ave, or Market & Always Ave. This is a minutely occurrence that you will just have to deal with, because the SFMTA sure as hell isn't. You'll get your chance to legally cross for a few seconds just be patient.
Wondering where this particular street is? Let's just say it's at the cross street of Market & Everywhere Ave, or Market & Always Ave. This is a minutely occurrence that you will just have to deal with, because the SFMTA sure as hell isn't. You'll get your chance to legally cross for a few seconds just be patient.
 |
| Remember to wait your turn, pedestrians! This space will be de-criminalized for a few seconds to let you scurry through in fear. |
Step 2: You have the right-of-way, but does that really matter? Of course not!
The space might legally be yours now, but tell that to math and geometry. The city was designed for these contraptions, not for legs. You would be foolish to try and cross. How about you just wait until the next rotation, buddy.
The space might legally be yours now, but tell that to math and geometry. The city was designed for these contraptions, not for legs. You would be foolish to try and cross. How about you just wait until the next rotation, buddy.
 |
| Downtown SF was designed for metal beasts, not squishy bipedal humans. Just wait longer. |
Step 3: Don't chance it. Wait until the next signal.
Another horde of motorists will blast through this luxurious autobahn yet again, so just wait a bit longer. You might want to look around for a police officer, but most likely they're in a speeding metal box as well. After all, this is a "Traffic first city."
 |
| Covering your nose and mouth won't save you from the daily exhaust and pollution created in our fair city. |
Step 4. Give up!
Your ability to cross Market street won't get any better. Do you really want to risk crossing? Why not just pack it up and go home? Let that be a lesson to you. You and your legs aren't wanted in downtown SF.
 |
| Hug your loved ones and watch the beautiful sea of cars on what is every cross street of Market. Discuss what a foolish endeavor it was to try and navigate the downtown core by foot. Then go home. |
 |
| Don't worry though, there are traffic cops paid to sit by and watch you flirt with danger. |
