Amsterdamned by Bikes

Recently the New York Times came out with a 100% true hyperbole that Amsterdam has been completely destroyed by bicycles.  Over 30% of all trips are taken by those wretched non-motorized jack-wagons.  Of course, Streetfilms has tried to deny this absolute fact made up by the New York Times.

Minutes later, Anita died of bike poisoning.
(Image courtesy of The New York Times)

Unfortunately the city caved into "special interest" bike fanatics long ago by giving them a third of the space that would justifiably go to uncloggable car infrastructure.  They even ENCOURAGED bicycle transit and let this bicycle plague get out of hand!  Now everywhere from the Red Light District to Centraal Station is littered with bicycles. The problem has gotten so out of control that tourists can't even recognize public landmarks anymore.

The Anne Frank Museum.
(image found here)

What's left of the Van Gogh museum after bikes reached critical mass
(Image found here)

Citizens pine for the good old days when cars took over the city and magically disappeared when they weren't needed.
 (Image found here)

Citizens in Amsterdam are asking themselves where they went wrong when they decided to start removing the cars from the streets in the 50s and 60s.  Satellite images through google maps show a sea of metal, spokes and rubber.  Directions are confusing because they'll instruct you to "turn at the cluster of pink, blue and orange bikes".  8000 tourists went missing last year alone.

Amsterdamians are fed up.  Local police chief Edmund explained, "We were all such fools to believe this was the right decision to encourage bikes over cars, and now we're stuck with this mess of bikes in the city that would cost literally hundreds of dollars to clean up".   Officials are contemplating how to clean up this mess and what weekend they could do it.

Hopefully we don't make the same kind of grave mistakes in San Francisco, where city officials want 20% of bike transit usage by 2020.  If the city gets its way you won't even be able to walk a foot without running into a bicycle.  Let's look at Amsterdam as a terrible, horrible beacon of things to come.   Friends, stick to the tried and true method of transportation, with uncluttered cars parked on every single street of San Francisco.  

The bicycle epidemic is so bad that bikes have actually formed unstoppable super bikes.  
(Image Courtesy of the City of Sydney)

AAA Approves Bike Transportation

There's been a lot of talk about American Automobile Association, and their utter disdain for anything other than vehicle dominance and lobbying for billions of miles for glorious highways and freeways.  But, friends, that's simply not true!  The AAA just wholeheartedly approved bicycles, with a few minor tweaks.

No, not this kind of bike you moron.  

AAA spokesman confirmed "We really need to start supporting this weird and useless form of transportation that doesn't take up enough space or waste enough fossil fuel.  We're working with various bike coalitions and large multinational vehicle manufacturers to come up with a viable solution to ensure that we don't lose revenue and relevance in modern society."

"Gas powered is certainly the way to go for bikes, but there aren't enough wheels"

The AAA says they have always been fans of bicycles, as an olive branch, they recently worked with a well angered bike coalition to ensure that there's one in every museum across the country.  They have even offered anywhere from $100 to $500 to reclaim used or new bikes and haul them to the local landfill.

"These beautiful useless artifacts belong indoors"

But museums aren't the only way AAA has gleefully tried to promote bikes.  They've also have offered safety tips.

• Proper helmet sizing to hide your bike shame.
• How to get out of the way of deserving motorists.
• How to properly store your bike.
• Transit tips to the nearest museum or landfill. 
• Promoting WINGAC - "When in doubt, get a car".

"This is nearly acceptable"

So, friends, you can see there's no reason to fear the AAA.  They're on your side, even if you want to peddle your bike idiocy across the car dominated streets of San Francisco.  

"Finally, a bicycle we can be proud of" - AAA Spokesman

The Wiggle is a MAJOR DEATHTRAP, Probably

Welcome to Fresh Cycle Hell

Everyone knows that bikes are like plutonium, there's NO LEVEL of safe exposure.  Bike and bike lanes should be treated with the same care, and thrown into a cave deep below Utah.  Because people are driving around San Francisco in their idiotcycle more and more, the "Wiggle" has been gaining popularity over the years.  It provides a smooth terrain and a path that's less traveled by glorious vehicles.  But now hearsay and conjecture is starting to mount for this destructive wiggle, and people are beginning to realize that has turned into a pedestrian death trap, allegedly, and is murdering people every single day, probably.  This Bike Accident Tracker shows all the accidents that were ultimately caused by a bike. most likely.   

That green zigzag is the bike murder area... even if the amount of accidents happened in those big red dots around it, and even if there haven't been any fatalities... allegedly

Some people have expressed concern about all the bike traffic coming into the area. Sandy Deirch, explains, "Back in the good old days, you could hear the cars tearing through the neighborhood at 30 miles an hour rolling through a stop sign and you could easily scurry away.  Now you'll see some bicyclist coming at a 15 mile clip, slowing down and looking at you with their soulless eyes.  I'm not sure which 2 feet to move to get out of their way! It's scary as hell I tell you!"

Ed Nelson, long time resident, said that he's absolutely terrified of these two wheeled menaces and thinks the amount of hit and runs are going to skyrocket.  "What's to stop these cycle terrorists from wiping out a ton of people?  All they have to do is hit someone, fall down, get back up, make sure their bike is ok, make sure they are fine, and then drive away Scott Free!"

Bicyclist that probably blew through that stop sign and also ran over 15 people on the previous block and somehow managed to stay upright on his bike.

The tragedy that has most likely taken place on the Wiggle is incalculable, mostly because the evidence has been buried to the point that someone would question if it's really even there.  People walk along the panhandle along with fast moving bikes and are murdered on a regular basis I think.  The SFPD even monitors the Wiggle from time to time, on foot, and issues out tickets, which they should focus on exclusively due to all the presumed injury and death along this path, which I'm sure is 100% of all bikers there never obey any traffic signs.  Everyone knows that the Panhandle is plausibly an urban death hole thanks to the merging of pedestrian and cycle traffic.  It's time to fix the Wiggle before it theoretically claims even more lives!!!

A crash map of the Panhandle where thousands of bikers and pedestrians share the same space every day.  The red dot indicates all the cars that have collided with... wait, scratch that.

A recent accident by a bus and vehicle.  Some may claim the car was taking speedy left on Masonic Freeway to get on Oak street, but everyone with a brain knows it was caused by those two bikes in the picture.

If we really want to see anecdotal evidence of biker fatalities and injuries drop, we're going to need to tear up the massively expensive bike sharrows and put in wider lanes for car traffic. If this doesn't happen we're going to continue to hear gossip about awful bike driving that would never happen by the likes of the courteous, pedestrian conscious, law-abiding vehicles dominating the roads of San Francisco.