Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Wiggle is a MAJOR DEATHTRAP, Probably

Welcome to Fresh Cycle Hell
Everyone knows that bikes are like plutonium, there's NO LEVEL of safe exposure.  Bike and bike lanes should be treated with the same care, and thrown into a cave deep below Utah.  Because people are driving around San Francisco in their idiotcycle more and more, the "Wiggle" has been gaining popularity over the years.  It provides a smooth terrain and a path that's less traveled by glorious vehicles.  But now hearsay and conjecture is starting to mount for this destructive wiggle, and people are beginning to realize that has turned into a pedestrian death trap, allegedly, and is murdering people every single day, probably.  This Bike Accident Tracker shows all the accidents that were ultimately caused by a bike. most likely.   
That green zigzag is the bike murder area... even if the amount of accidents happened in those big red dots around it, and even if there haven't been any fatalities... allegedly

Some people have expressed concern about all the bike traffic coming into the area. Sandy Deirch, explains, "Back in the good old days, you could hear the cars tearing through the neighborhood at 30 miles an hour rolling through a stop sign and you could easily scurry away.  Now you'll see some bicyclist coming at a 15 mile clip, slowing down and looking at you with their soulless eyes.  I'm not sure which 2 feet to move to get out of their way! It's scary as hell I tell you!"

Ed Nelson, long time resident, said that he's absolutely terrified of these two wheeled menaces and thinks the amount of hit and runs are going to skyrocket.  "What's to stop these cycle terrorists from wiping out a ton of people?  All they have to do is hit someone, fall down, get back up, make sure their bike is ok, make sure they are fine, and then drive away Scott Free!"

Bicyclist that probably blew through that stop sign and also ran over 15 people on the previous block and somehow managed to stay upright on his bike.

The tragedy that has most likely taken place on the Wiggle is incalculable, mostly because the evidence has been buried to the point that someone would question if it's really even there.  People walk along the panhandle along with fast moving bikes and are murdered on a regular basis I think.  The SFPD even monitors the Wiggle from time to time, on foot, and issues out tickets, which they should focus on exclusively due to all the presumed injury and death along this path, which I'm sure is 100% of all bikers there never obey any traffic signs.  Everyone knows that the Panhandle is plausibly an urban death hole thanks to the merging of pedestrian and cycle traffic.  It's time to fix the Wiggle before it theoretically claims even more lives!!!

A crash map of the Panhandle where thousands of bikers and pedestrians share the same space every day.  The red dot indicates all the cars that have collided with... wait, scratch that.

A recent accident by a bus and vehicle.  Some may claim the car was taking speedy left on Masonic Freeway to get on Oak street, but everyone with a brain knows it was caused by those two bikes in the picture.

If we really want to see anecdotal evidence of biker fatalities and injuries drop, we're going to need to tear up the massively expensive bike sharrows and put in wider lanes for car traffic. If this doesn't happen we're going to continue to hear gossip about awful bike driving that would never happen by the likes of the courteous, pedestrian conscious, law-abiding vehicles dominating the roads of San Francisco.


  1. I love this more than oxygen. Rob Anderson can put this in his pipe and smoke it!

  2. Goddamn whoever wrote this is a massive fuckhead. As if you need an actual accident to measure the obnoxiousness of Wiggle riders or the countless near-misses they cause pedestrians and cars along that route.

    Perhaps the reason there are less accidents along the Wiggle is because those of us who traffic it frequently are so used to dealing with asshole cycles that we've been trained to watch out for your stupid asses.

    1. And why should you have to do something like that? Even if you're the one driving a 2 ton vehicle that's capable of high speeds? How awful!.

  3. This blog is absolute genius.