Mayor Lee Finally Announces More Vision Zero Talk Without Action

San Francisco, CA — There have been seven deaths this year compared with just one during the first 10 weeks of 2015, and seven during the same period in 2014.  After months and months of street carnage, Mayor Lee finally reiterated the City of San Francisco’s commitment to only talk about ending traffic fatalities and begged the public to be nicer to vulnerable road users.

“Our community is committed to look like we’re achieving Vision Zero by placing signs, painting lines, and begging the hordes of SF drivers to follow laws with few real penalties,” said Mayor Lee, who oversees the San Francisco Police Department. “The slew of tragedies remind us that we have no rules in place to prevent these fatalities from happening, or substantially penalizing motorists when they do happen, and that we’re perfectly okay with that. We’ll put up bigger signs, more infrastructure that relies on enforcement and motorists to behave, and that will suffice.” 

Market Street where red lights are simply no-no's.

The City of San Francisco has pretended to be committed to Vision Zero, adopting the goal of ending traffic fatalities and serious injuries. Our unique Vision Zero approach says that if we add signs, paint lines around San Francisco's street freeways, it's all going to work out. We’ll also continue to enshrine free & cheap parking as we continue to feel like we’re doing something great without sabotaging our political relationships with merchants and religious organizations.

Saturday & Sunday "Vision Zero" double parking.

Lee had no further comment before scurrying back into his office away from the public, only stating, “It’s getting tougher to fool the city into thinking we actually care about Vision Zero when the fatality count continues to climb and we turn a blind eye to things like Sunday (and now Saturday) double parking, but we have a few more tricks up our sleeves and we’ll be getting to work on that soon.”

Special thanks to Fake Mayor Harlie Cales for the "press release".

#1 SF Issue is Homelessness, Next to Parking, of Course

A recent SF Gate article, "Homelessness soars to No. 1 concern in SF" showed that residents of the city have come to grips with an issue that has plagued San Francisco for decades.  Some city officials have been quick to react and try to find a way to quickly build six new Navigation Centers to help people in need.   City supervisor, David Campos,  identified 36 parcels, none near his neighborhood of Bernal Heights, which included some parking garages and surface lots.  Even the mere suggestion of parking removal sent some residents into a tailspin.

"West Portal neighborhood leaders are irate that Campos suggested a parking lot next to the beloved Ambassador Toys and another parking lot nearby on Claremont Boulevard as possible sites for new homeless centers." said the Chronicle.   One resident said a Navigation Center "wouldn’t fit" on a corridor with lots of children, and that removing a surface parking lot would make it tough on shoppers to find cheap parking. "When we said it was our #1 concern, we never thought we had to clarify our inalienable right to store private property on public land for pennies a day or less.  Oh and children safety something something..." said one resident.

"Large lots dedicated to not move vehicles for most of the day outweighs the benefits of serving the homeless community."
Right Photo: Leah Millis, The Chronicle

Homeless advocates like Jerry Mandrake see things differently.  He explains, "First of all, let's dispel this notion that homeless people are more likely perpetrators of violence.  There's plenty of evidence to suggest that homeless people commit less crime than people with homes.  These groups of people, sadly are more likely to be the recipients of violence.  We can't allow neighborhoods to spread these biases and untruths.   The supervisors of San Francisco should be educating their constituents instead of allowing them to propagate these ideas that harm our most vulnerable people living in our communities."

Although there's zero evidence to suggest that homeless people pose any hazard to children, city leaders like Norman Yee prefer their district's parking lots over homeless centers.

Jerry went on to say, "...and if neighborhoods really cared about children they wouldn't be putting them in or anywhere near motorized vehicles.  Parking increases air pollution, the chances of leaving your child in a car to get heatstroke, or getting backed over in a parking lot.  Do they have any idea that the rates of traffic-related injuries and death are highest for children from age 5–19 years?  But you never hear anyone advocating less car use?  Don't even get me started on how detrimental a sedentary life is for a child, or what we're doing to their future environment."

Oddly enough, vulnerable people without homes did not make the list of injuries or deaths among children.
image found here

In the recent Chronicle article, a resident was asked if cars should take a backseat to the well-being of vulnerable homeless people.  They exclaimed “It’s insane...It’s people pushing their own agendas for something that’s reckless and irresponsible.”  When asked about the inherent dangers of cars and parking in and around children she said, "oh yeah, that's cool. "

Agitated neighbors formed a new coalition, NIMPS, which stands for "Not in my Parking Space".  One of the NIMPS member explained, "San Francisco has serious challenges, and one of them is protecting our most vulnerable and often mistreated residents of our city, that's right, cars."

Homeless advocates still hold out hope that one day the mayor and all the supervisors of San Francisco will declare a homeless emergency and actually support it in their district by swapping car storage for people storage.  Jerry said, "we just hope that one day the city has as much respect and compassion for a human being as they do for a parking spot."

Division Street - where homeless people were forced to leave because they weren't unused combustible metal boxes.

Turning Screams & Streets Into Parking Lots - SFMTA's Cramologists in Action

Parking abounds in San Francisco, and each clod of parking is like a beautiful snowflake, unique and beautiful in its own way.  As you meander around all these idling metal beasts, you may ask yourself, "who crammed all this beautiful parking, everywhere?"  Well, wonder no more, my friends. The SFMTA actually has a team of Cramologists who design all the on-street parking you see today. Car storage isn't placed willy nilly.  It's based on a science that analyzes the blood curdling motorist screams for parking and blends it with the geometry of San Francisco's extra wide streets.

Cramologists painstakingly calculate the tantrums of adults and turn it into parking 

San Francisco goes to great lengths to ensure just the right amount of cramming happens on our streets.  "Our employees can't just slather cars all over the urban landscape without proper training.  A person has to go through 8 years of study to earn a PhD in Cramology before they can even put one car on the street.  They have to spend years observing child tantrums and constant whining before they truly get a sense of where to place cars.  Once graduated, they'll be ready to jam as many metal boxes on the streets as possible.  Sometimes it's almost enough to pacify the average asphalt hungry motorist."

Seasoned Cramologists develop all kinds of craming techniques, from on-street parking on arterial streets,  90 degree, back angled parking, all the way to the parking right up to the corner of 4 way stop signs!  "When we stop hearing a few screams and threats, we know we've done our job well." said one teary eyed Junior Cramologist.

Don't worry everyone, there's a "Vision Zero" logo in the corner so you know the parking they cram all over this neighborhood will be super safe! ~Cramology in Action~
image found here.

Cramology is a body science that's constantly evolving.  They're always finding new ways to jam more combustible boxes onto the streets.  The L Taraval Project takes Cramology to an entirely new level, due to the screams of neighborhood motorists who have absolutely no regard for human life.  One Senior Cramologist created what he considers a "bus island" made out of parked cars, crosshatch paint, and a little hope and prayer.  "It's sure to be a hit!" he exclaimed, then looked down at the floor, and started to sob.

Cramology - the science of blending car storage & screams.