Turning Screams & Streets Into Parking Lots - SFMTA's Cramologists in Action

Parking abounds in San Francisco, and each clod of parking is like a beautiful snowflake, unique and beautiful in its own way.  As you meander around all these idling metal beasts, you may ask yourself, "who crammed all this beautiful parking, everywhere?"  Well, wonder no more, my friends. The SFMTA actually has a team of Cramologists who design all the on-street parking you see today. Car storage isn't placed willy nilly.  It's based on a science that analyzes the blood curdling motorist screams for parking and blends it with the geometry of San Francisco's extra wide streets.

Cramologists painstakingly calculate the tantrums of adults and turn it into parking 

San Francisco goes to great lengths to ensure just the right amount of cramming happens on our streets.  "Our employees can't just slather cars all over the urban landscape without proper training.  A person has to go through 8 years of study to earn a PhD in Cramology before they can even put one car on the street.  They have to spend years observing child tantrums and constant whining before they truly get a sense of where to place cars.  Once graduated, they'll be ready to jam as many metal boxes on the streets as possible.  Sometimes it's almost enough to pacify the average asphalt hungry motorist."

Seasoned Cramologists develop all kinds of craming techniques, from on-street parking on arterial streets,  90 degree, back angled parking, all the way to the parking right up to the corner of 4 way stop signs!  "When we stop hearing a few screams and threats, we know we've done our job well." said one teary eyed Junior Cramologist.

Don't worry everyone, there's a "Vision Zero" logo in the corner so you know the parking they cram all over this neighborhood will be super safe! ~Cramology in Action~
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Cramology is a body science that's constantly evolving.  They're always finding new ways to jam more combustible boxes onto the streets.  The L Taraval Project takes Cramology to an entirely new level, due to the screams of neighborhood motorists who have absolutely no regard for human life.  One Senior Cramologist created what he considers a "bus island" made out of parked cars, crosshatch paint, and a little hope and prayer.  "It's sure to be a hit!" he exclaimed, then looked down at the floor, and started to sob.

Cramology - the science of blending car storage & screams.

L Taraval Project: "Vision: Zero Loss of Parking"

Based on community screams, the SFMTA managed to save all the parking and create "bus shelters" out of paint, parked cars, and the broken promise of enforcement along the L Taraval corridor.
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The SFMTA presented on the L Taraval project, a plan to address the needs of 29,000 daily riders with bus bulb-outs, transit lanes, and all other kinds of things that were booed and hissed by a parking obsessed audience.  One SFMTA representative told the fiery group that Taraval Street is one of San Francisco’s most dangerous corridors, which the audience promptly replied with eye-rolls, indignant looks, and a single muffled cough.

SFMTA representative, wet from rain, tears, or fright.
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Even though the SFMTA told them the project adds 13 to 40 parking spaces, a ravenous audience member screamed “You’re still ruining it for those merchants!” noting that parking has to be right in front of the business because no one should be forced the indignity of walking. When the SFMTA representative tried to explain that 22 people were hit while walking to the trains, the audience screamed “doesn’t seem like that many!"

Supervisor Katy Tang introduces herself to the group before she sits down and listens to her constituents devalue human life and demand space to store their personal property. 
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Despite all the screams from a few merchants and residents who abhor safe bipedal movement, the project will move forward as a pilot.  The SFMTA said they would look into the ideas presented by people who value the immobility of their car above human life.   None of the precious parking will be moved at four of the five business-located stops.  Instead, the SFMTA will paint white cross-hatches and pray to whatever deity they believe in in the hopes that no train riders will perish.


Every "Vision Zero" project should result in a net gain to parking!
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