Citing Indefinite Safety Issues - Car Companies Recall Every Vehicle Ever Made

They're just too unsafe to be put in the hands of people.  Have you met people before?
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2014 has been a record setting year for cars, recalling them that is.  Automakers have recalled 56 million cars this year.  The issues range from ignition switches, hood latches, to acceleration issues. This is more than three times the amount of cars Americans will actually buy this year.

GM currently faces a slew of lawsuits from an ignition-switch recall. So far they have received applications from 165 families claiming they have lost a loved one caused by the malfunctioning switches.  But when the car company dug deeper, they found something even more shocking.  One industry official stated, "Look even if everyone stopped driving drunk and didn't text there would still be a ton of accidents.  People operating vehicles just isn't safe.  We figured if 165 families is a big deal, then the fact that 110 people in the Unites States die each day is enough to just stop this car thing altogether."

"You seriously use these cars in pedestrian rich areas?  Are you insane? Have you seen what these things can do?" - Automotive Representative
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Automotive companies then looked at how vehicles are used in cities.  An auto representative commented, "Have you seen how people drive around a major city? Motorists drive way too fast in cities, blow through red lights, and even when they're parked they're a major safety issue.   If the public is worried about a few hood latches and windshield wiper issues, they must be screaming to do something about all the death and injury directly caused by cars."

"Every Five days an entire plane worth of people gets wiped out because of cars.  We just can't stand for that anymore"
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Starting today all the major automotive agencies are recalling each and every car ever made in the interest of public safety. "Look if the airline had a Jumbo Jet falling out of the sky every five days they would shut down the company. We can't in good conscience keep selling these products that destroy so many lives every year."  Automotive companies are now scrambling to find relevance and profitability by investing in shoes, bikes, and mass transit vehicles.  

Save Polk Street Crowd Still OK With Murderous Street Design

"Accidents happen.  If only there was something we could do.  Oh, we can?  No thanks. " - Save Polk Street
image courtesy of Folks for Polk

With its slog of parking spaces and wide speed lanes, Polk Street has been a Detroit dream for decades. It's enough to make the Michelin Man weep with joy. An average of 2-3 ped/cyclist are struck per month, making it one of the 6% of SF corridors classified as "high-injury". Some people like Folks for Polks argue that since 85% of people get to Polk Street through transit, walking, or biking that they shouldn't have to suffer the wrath of the 15% of motorists that blow through it.

A group crowds around an injured person to explain why parking is so critical to Polk Street's 15%
image courtesy of Folks for Polk

The Save Polk Street Crowd has been fuming at the idea of losing 18% of parking spots on Polk Street, but perfectly comfortable losing human life.  The livid crowd would discuss revenue losses that have yet to happen on more equitable streets.  People like Folks for Polk have argued that revenue increases on streets that actually cater to people's safety and well-being.  They have also argued that building a bike lane not only promotes safe biking but it also slows down cars which also saves pedestrians from injury and death.  The Save Polk crowd said logic has no place when it comes to parking a car.

Dawn Trennert looking insanely receptive to the safety concerns of the 85% of people who get to Polk by mass transit, walking or biking
Image courtesy of  Folks for Polk https://twitter.com/FolksForPolk

During a Final final final final Polk Street redesign project, a SFMTA representative broke down and allegedly (*wink *wink) asked the "Save Polk Street" group, "So are you all just comfortable with a street that WILL eventually kill people?"

Save Polk Crowd - *silence*

SFMTA - "Come on we're all trying to skirt around this question.  Now do you want a design that is safe for everyone?"

S.P.C. - "Yes, of course do"

SFMTA - "ok so we remove about 18% of the parking only along Polk.  You'll still have ALL the parking on every side street, adjacent street, and in the underutilized parking garages"

S.P.C. - "Noooooooo!!!  We need that parking!"

SFMTA - "You JUST said you want safe streets."

S.F.C. - "Absolutely, but don't remove this parking"

SFMTA - "We're not magicians.  You can't have a complete street where everyone is safe with this level of parking."

S.F.C. - *dead silence* *cough* *mumbling*  "Well we don't really know if someone will die, right?"

SFMTA - "I can assure you that it's a statistical certainty.  It happens every year or more."

S.F.C - "but we don't know who it would be or when, right?"

SFMTA - "Is that comforting to you?"

S.F.C. - *silence*

SFMTA - "Well this has been a shitshow.  I hope to never see you harbingers of death again."

The SFMTA representative left along with their faith in humanity.

Save Polk Street skirting around safety issues and focusing on more pressing factors of driving your car to your business and parking right in front of it.

Video courtesy of  folks@folksforpolk.org

Folks for Polk continues to try to draw attention to the deaths and injuries on this corridor that will undoubtedly happen again.  They will continue to be met with dead eyes, blank stares and angry chants from the Save Polk Street crowd that refuse to acknowledge simple statistics, physics and geometry.  Save Polk recently focused their attention on the Van Ness BRT in hopes to keep that a car clogged nightmare to promote business as well.  So far the city of SF has been very receptive to the parking wishes of the Save Polk street even if it collides with their Vision Zero campaign.

"Save a sliver of parking for a few broken pedestrians and cyclists every year so we can park in front of our business?  I guess that's just the price we have to pay" - Save Polk Street
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City of San Francisco Finally Acknowledges THE STUDY!!!

The enthusiasm of Prop A and B passing and the defeat of Prop L quickly died away this week when San Franciscans opened their eyes to THE STUDY TO END ALL STUDIES.  Not the study about cycling increasing economic prosperity on streets with bike lanes.  It's not the study about bike infrastructure and bike shares improving safety.  It was the UC STUDY that links cycling to DOOM!!! RAGE CAPS!!!  The study found from 2000 to 2009, 2,504 people got hurt on their bikes over a ten year period.   Considering that 43,000 commute by bike a day in the Bay Area it was obviously a big deal.  The city hasn't been this shocked since Fox News brought attention to the Ebola Non-pandemic in the US.

San Franciscans meticulously read this study that showed there's a .0015% chance that someone riding a bike could get hurt enough to warrant a trip to the ER.  Screams reverberated throughout SF as each person came to the exact same conclusion again and again.  Vowing to never stand astride a bicycle again, people flocked in droves back into cars.  San Franciscans have been seen taking bikes to recycling centers hoping to get what few pennies on the dollar they can as the worth of a bicycle nears zero. "I'm just hoping I can get enough money for this death machine to fuel my safe SUV for a few miles" said one ex-biker.

It'll be 1956 all over again!" Bikes are left out on the curb and gutters"  Vans are collecting these incredibly dangerous contraptions to throw into the nearest gorge
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Police made five arrests and placed a total of seven children with Child Protective Services because their parents had them on bicycles either on their way to school or running errands near their homes. SF police chief Greg Suhr said "We are not going to tolerate this sort of wild and reckless endangerment any longer. It's time to send a strong message that the only safe transport for children is in speeding autos."

"After reading that UC study we just realized how unsafe it is to walk or bike your kid to work"

The 2% of dedicated bicycle track was ripped up in mere weeks, offering all city residents and visitors two, three and even four personal parking spots. Many are oversized to accommodate the large SUV's and lifted trucks that are all the rage in SF. Plans to knock down failed bike shops and replace them with FREE PARKING lots are already in the works, The city's EIR requirements have been waived in the interest of public safety.

Citing "The Study" the city of San Francisco plans to install more wide streets like this to ensure no one ever tries to ride a dangerous bicycle in the condensed, heavily populated city of SF.
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Meanwhile, work crews begun removing the metal bike racks around town that were formerly used to lock bicycles.  The city deemed them a symbol of a "dangerous past we cannot tolerate" and requested all the steel be recycled into large-format works of public art.  They are scheduled to be displayed at Crissy Field next year.  "Those bike assholes won't be needing those anymore," one workman quipped to the raucous cheers of motorists gathered around the crew.  Ex-cyclists gathered around and collectively burned their SFBC membership cards while singing Kumbaya.

A Bay Area shut-in blogger pronounced it a "sound move' and added 'for the children".  "People will look back and wonder what they ever found attractive about their idiotcycles as they rush their cars down Masonic Ave. with its fresh new bikelane-free margins at highway speeds.  All I can say is thank God for that UC study!"

Prop L Defeated - Officials Wonder if They Should Keep SF a Dangerous Car Dependent Shit-hole

With the recent overwhelming defeat of Prop L (62.42% opposed) and the resounding support of Prop A (71.30%) and B (61.23%), SF officials are wondering if they should actually start making the city less of a car dependent shit-hole. They've been scratching their heads and wondering if they should really start trying to stop all the tragedy and death on the streets of San Francisco, which is already at 28 people this year and climbing.

"It's enough of a resounding scream from the public to actually do something." said one official as they walked to their city provisioned car and backed out of their free parking spot.

"Honestly, we were all shocked at how easily Prop A and B passed.  Prop A gives the city a bond for $500 million for transit, road, and safety improvements.  Prop B ties Muni funding to population growth which could mean another 20 million or so a year. We're thinking maybe it's time to start putting less emphasis on cars" one city official exclaimed.  Officials are also mulling the possibility of putting the newly acquired funds to fix the things they claimed it would fix.   "Maybe we'll actually implement the TEP (Transit Effectiveness Project), or create a ped/bike friendly, death-free Polk Street.  We might build the Geary and Van Ness BRT.  Maybe we'll dedicate more than 3% of the street to modes of traffic other than cars.  Hell we might even remove a parking spot or two! The possibilities are definitely limited!"

"With the overwhelming passage of Prop A & B and shutdown of Prop L, do you think we should make San Francisco look less like Detroit?"
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The SFPD has been debating whether or not to actually start making city streets safer by enforcing all the traffic laws intended to keep pedestrians and cyclists safe.  The city is calling this "Vision Zero" while everyone else calls it 'doing your F*cking jobs'. "You know, we might even start preventing people from speeding around here.  I know that's pretty crazy, but the public spoke and maybe we'll listen this time around." said one officer. The SFPD has been thinking about ticketing motorists that clog up the crosswalks, since they do it every single day, at every single light change. "We're really thinking about getting out of our cars and doing something."

"We might actually get out of these beasts and start implementing Vision Zero."
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The abysmal defeat of Prop L has motorists waiting for the impending Carpocalypse if the city actually does what it's been funded and directed to do.  City officials have been debating whether or not to find the list of people who voted for Prop L and simply take away all of their car privileges in order to make the streets safer.  "I mean, look, no decent motorist would ever vote in favor of Prop L. You have to be one sadistic *@#$# in order to vote for that piece of @#$% proposition.  They're seriously the worst drivers out there and we have all their names" said one official.  Whether or not San Francisco will become safer and less car dependent as a result of this overwhelming support and money is still anyone's guess.

City Officials debate whether or not to take away drivers licenses from everyone who voted for Prop L.  "Good god did you read that thing?  Anyone who voted for that is clearly a menace to society"
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