UC Study Irrefutably Concludes: Cycling = DOOM

You might be surprised to know which one of these things is the most dangerous
 (*hint* It's biking with your family)
Images found here, here, and here.

For anyone who rides a bicycle in the city of San Francisco, I have some shocking news for you.  Did you know that you can get hurt by riding a bicycle?!?  It's true, even though the city and the Bicycle Coalition touts that it's perfectly 100% safe, probably.  Well this UC study proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that cycling is the WORST. THING. EVER.  The study found from 2000 to 2009 / 2,504 people got hurt on their bikes over a ten year period.  Considering that 43,000 commute by bike a day in the Bay Area, I'm sure that number is super scary.

You might be asking yourself a few questions about this data and I'm here to help guide you to the logical conclusion that biking is absolutely the most asinine thing you can do.

Question 1: There's a lot of different kinds of cycling: racing, recreational, long distance, commuting.  Does the study say what these cyclists were doing?  Maybe there's a correlation between things like age, type of biking and injury?

Answer: Shut up it doesn't matter all biking is the same to me and it should be the same to you!

This is really the only way biking could be any more dangerous.
image found here 

Question 2: If an average of 43,000 people are cycling each day, and you multiplied that by 365 days for 10 years, doesn't that mean one person was injured about every 1.5 days?  Doesn't that mean one person is injured out of every 64,500 bike trips, and bikers have .a 0015% chance of getting injured enough to warrant a trip to the ER?

Answer: You're a crazy bike-nut.  I don't let facts get in the way of my righteous indignation.

Question 3:  I saw an article about the New York City Bike Share and they've had very little injury and zero deaths.  Out of 8.75 million trips, they've had about 100 crashes reported, and about 25 of them required a trip to the ER.  How do you explain that?

Answer: Don't try and change the subject!!! This is about San Francisco and it's only ok for me to reference other cities when I'm discussing how ruinous biking is.

Think biking is safe?  Think again.  All these bikers are now DEAD.
image found here. 

Question 4: Couldn't you argue that walking and driving a car could also be dangerous?  Can you compare all the modes of transportation?

Answer: No and don't ever tell me what to do again.

Conclusion from the UC study: "trauma centers can play a key role in future collaborations to define issues and develop prevention strategies for CO (Cyclist Only) crashes."

Bob's Conclusion: Biking is simply the most atrocious thing you can do for yourself because some people get hurt doing it.  Think of biking as eating a plate of radioactive lard while being shot out of a cannon into a tank of starving sharks.  It's just that hazardous. Now throw away that pesky bike of yours and get yourself into a sweet sweet automobile.  I just saved your life, my friend.

Now doesn't this look a lot safer and healthier?
image found here.

Lombard Street "Closed"? SFMTA Plan Failed? Chaos? Are These Question Marks Misleading?

The traffic on Lombard Street is completely screwed up?!  Well if that first sentence is any indication, the answer is a resounding, yes?  According to the hard working, unbiased folks at CBS, it was a major shitshow and immediately failed.  The crooked part of Lombard Street street was closed to most vehicle traffic (except for people who live on that street).   It only applies to Saturday and Sunday between noon and 6 p.m. and is part of a 3 week pilot program, which you can find buried at the end of most articles.  CBS was the first to crack this story with their irrefutable scientific evidence?

"Closed" Lombard Street.  This is Absolute Chaos?  Is the man fleeing for his life with his kid?
Image found here.

When CBS interviewed a ton of people in the area they inevitably found someone who wasn't happy about it.  Some lady said that she was shocked, so it is, indeed, shocking and newsworthy.  People are now forced to actually walk or bike through this "closed" corridor for 12 hours out of the week for the entirety of 4 weeks.

Lombard Street is far less chaotic when there's a steady stream of cars idling,speeding, and blocking the entrance to a crooked street?

Image found here.  

There's no telling what kind of fresh hell that will be unleashed from closing a street to cars 48 of out of 672 hours during the month, but you'll be sure to find out through the unbiased view of our media outlets.  The SFMTA board approved the program claiming it would to increase safety and reduce congestion, which is complete bullshit... I mean, complete bullshit?

Pedestrians  jamming up Lombard Street and ruining it?
Image found here

Netherland's NPR Guest Hosts Traffic Report - Has Nervous Breakdown

Recently KQED invited Helen Baardsson from Holland, as she has been touring the USA and discussing the various transportation modes available in her country.  Helen particularity enjoyed talking about the health benefits of biking and her favorite routes in great detail.  The regular traffic reporter was out on vacation and they asked Helen if she could cover the segment.  With great jubilation Helen said yes, and misery subsequently ensued.

Image found here.

***Begin Transcript***

Good afternoon I'm Helen Baardsson with the KQED traffic report.

Big delays on highway 280... why would there be delays look at the size of that highway with all the lanes.   How does something that monstrous slow down?  Why are most of these highways NOT moving people right now?  Shouldn't the cars be moving?

6 care pile-up on Highway 101 near Palo Alto.  What does a "pile-up" mean did they pile on top of each other? What happened to them?  Are we going to find out soon?  I should keep going?  Ok...

Highway 880 has a stalled vehicle on fire... on fire? Did they have maintenance check the vehicle before.. no one checks them?  But people check trains before they... ok ok...

The left lane of highway 82 has slowed down due to an oxygen tank in the... what?! There's an actual oxygen tank that just fell in the middle of the road?!

There's a motorcycle spill on... wait, what does "spill" mean?  It collided with a truck? Oh that can't be good at all does it say if they were ok or not?  CHP is on the way oh goodness please hurry guys.

Traffic report brought to you buy.. who the heck cares a bunch of people are seriously hurt and probably dead!  I'm not reading this book of hell anymore!

***End Transcript***

Helen refused to continue with the report, or visit the US ever again.
image found here.

The War on Cars Continues, With, Err... Cars

The SFMTA is at it again with their assault on cars, this time with, er, cars!  The plan is to utilize a whopping 0.002% (900) of the total of public parking on car sharing in San Francisco.  It's pure madness!  These precious spaces shouldn't be devoted to vehicles that are accessible to everyone, and where cars can be utilized throughout the day at a rate of 95%.  Every car owner knows that parking spots are supposed to be free to people that actually OWN cars and reserved for people to store 90% of the time.

Kiss your freedom goodbye, suckers.
image found here.

Studies suggest that car share actually helps ease parking congestion, because people are more likely to ditch their car if they have more access to them.  Other studies estimate between 9 and 32 people ditch their cars when car sharing options are available in their neighborhood. These parking spots also bring in anywhere from $50 to $225 a month to the city.  While this so called "evidence" suggests a lot of benefits, the Internet had a lot of poignant and rage filled comments on this car sharing pilot.

• BBhater: "Give away the bus stops and now parking?? What is SFMTA doing?"

• WhyMeWorry: "OK, City of SF, why not just track down all the privately owned motor vehicles and put us in jail."

• Enders_of_sf: "The war against the individual continues."

• SF_local: "What a rip. San Francisco forcing people to bend to their will. So goes freedom."

• Orange Moose: "great. that much harder to find a spot. thanks!"

• Rkeezy: "Stay out of my neighborhood! You're not as wanted as you think you are."  

First Car Share invades your neighborhood, then they take away your freedom, and then it's just a matter of time until car owners wind up in jail.
Image found here.

The SFMTA pilot program thinks this is a win for everyone; from people who don't have cars and would like access to them, car owners on the verge of getting rid of theirs, and also for people who want a better chance to store their personal car on the streets.

Based on these insightful comments above, the pilot is just another war on cars.  It's going to be even harder to find a spot when more people stop owning cars, 'individual freedoms' will be lost, and private car owners will wind up in jail, somehow.  The common sense individuals of San Francisco need to stand up and defend their free 2-3 car storage rights.  Parking spots should be publicly accessible, but not actual cars.  We finally need to end this war on cars, even with, umm... cars, once and for all!

In Response to Ongoing MUNI Issues - SFMTA Hire Raccoons

Raccoons starting their first day of training.
image found here.

The SFMTA and the public are upset over the recent "Sick out" that left many of them stranded and stuck in overcrowded buses.  With MUNI support at an all time low, the SFMTA has finally gone through with their "Plan R": hiring feral raccoons to run the buses.

Michelle Gregory, part time school teacher and regular transit rider commented, "if you asked me a few years ago if raccoons should operate the MUNI system I would have said 'hell no!' But after all the years of shoddy service, breakdowns, and strikes, I say why not give it a try.  Can't be any worse than it already is." She also commented that getting rabies was a small price to pay for actually getting to work at a reasonable time.    

"They're actually really attentive, safety conscious, and hardly ever bite."
image found here.

The SFMTA says they will save hundreds of millions of dollars per year since they only have to pay for cardboard boxes and premium garbage for the transit beasts.  Management is currently looking for "cute little hats and uniforms for the buggers".    

**Update**

After a week of being on the job the critters started a "Racoonion", and made demands for less work during daylight hours, marshmallows, and better access to trash cans.  SFMTA management immediately denied these demands, stating that it was not in the negotiated contract.  The Racoonion has since left their posts and refused to work until the SFMTA meets their fair and reasonable demands.

Not going in today - Nope nope nope
image found here.

Questions Surround Google's Self-Driving Car: "Can we Still be Impatient Assholes?"

"Will I still be able to speed and violently honk the horn?"
image found here. 

Google has a prototype for a self-driving car that doesn't have a steering wheel, gas pedal, or even brakes.  The car is automated and controlled by cameras, sensors and works alongside GPS.  Google is building this self-driving technology despite the fact that at least 50 percent of drivers would rather drive themselves in an anxiety and anger inducing car commute.  

Sharon Macao helped test drive one of the vehicles and said, "I really liked how simple the whole setup was. There's just a screen and you plunk in your coordinates and the car does the rest.  What I didn't like was that car just stopped when obstacles like bikers and pedestrians were in the way.  The car didn't even honk or encroach in their space to get them out of the way.  Am I really supposed to just sit back and relax in this car?"

People smiling and mellow during a vehicle commute, are you insane?

Vehicle testers pointed out other "design flaws":

• Where's the setting to make the car go through red lights at the last second?
• The car just goes the speed limit?  How can I make it go faster?
• I really don't feel superior to other modes of transportation anymore.
• Will I still be able to honk a horn when I get impatient and upset?

Google spokesman was asked if all these questions will put a damper on the fledgling industry.  They replied, "Until we somehow find a cheaper and more efficient way to move people around that leads to less congestion, improved health, and is less dangerous to pedestrians, we'll continue to create this technology for the consumer."

Google Engineer pondering how to make a fun, safer commute with proven health benefits.
image found here.

Kids Learn a Super Fun Game to Avoid Vehicle Carnage

Kids learning fun games and limericks that instill the ordained fear of vehicles.
Photo: Lea Suzuki, The Chronicle | Buy this photo

The city of San Francisco is ready to spend the next couple of decades trying to make streets less like the highways they were designed to be.  And while motorist behavior stays the same, it only makes sense to teach children that they shouldn't get in the way of the almighty car.  Spokesman for the 'Kids Get Out of The Damn Way' program said, "Children need to learn early the grim reality that every street of every block of their entire neighborhood is a virtual slaughter zone, but they're going to learn in a super fun and interactive way!  They even have a mascot for the occasion called "Conky: The Crazed Car of Doom".  Conky would run around the children texting and drinking while the children avoided getting 'flattened' by the beloved mascot.

Always remember what Conky says, Kids!  "Get out of my way or I will END YOU."
Image found here.  

The often trembling and teary eyed children were thrown into a "video game like" environment and told to play out real life scenarios where they pay reverence to the almighty vehicle.  In one situation, they were told to wave their hands and plead for their lives while Conky backs out of their driveway without checking his rearview mirror.  As with previous years, this year shaping up to be just as dangerous and detrimental to pedestrians in San Francisco at the hands of motorist behavior, it only makes sense to teach children the natural order of streets.

As Sandy dries her eyes she asks the instructor "Did I win the game?" to which the instructor replies, "Maybe you did Sandy... maybe..."
Photo: Lea Suzuki, The Chronicle | Buy this photo

Kids will learn to be afraid and avoid getting in the way of cars up until they get to the age where their brains become wired and prone to reckless and risky behaviors, at which time they'll be given the opportunity to operate a vehicle themselves.  The hope is that they will remember their 'Get Out of The Damn Way' training.  Teens will understand the tables are finally turned and pedestrians will need to get the hell out of their way from now on.

"Welcome to my world, bitches"
image found here.